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Should I get rid of this guy because he seems to be hiding something? I'd love to hear your interpretations of his text messages

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2014) 10 Answers - (Newest, 25 April 2014)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have had the most awful experiences with online dating, and am really skeptical about every man I meet now. I'm not sure if I'm looking for red flags because I'm so afraid of not spotting them.

I've been on three dates with this 29-year-old guy. He's my age. This guy just moved here from out west. He says he lives on his own, but it seems strange to me that he would move into a basement apartment that "lacks privacy" and expect me to open my doors to him. He keeps trying to invite himself over to my place, but I do not want to let him over because I think his behaviour is very sketchy, weird, and odd for a man his age. He must make a decent income, as a lawyer. In your opinion, what do you make of his texts? Would you suggest I get rid of him because he's to be hiding something?

I've dated many men in my day, and this is the first I've had a man be so pushy about coming over to my place. I'm saying no because something just seems very off about him. It does not make sense why he would move into a place that lacks privacy. I've been living on my own, with privacy, since my early twenties, and I'm certain he makes more than I do. He does not drive either, I do. I suspect he may be one of those dependent men types or married. Either way, I'd love to hear your interpretations of these text messages below!

"...If we're not going to the theatres, it would have to be your place since there is no privacy at mine. my walls are so thin that the family upstairs will be able to hear the movie and probably end up getting spoiled (unless we're watching a silent film, in which case they'll think we're just listening to music)..."

"...How about I plan a dinner with you, on the evening of your choice? My only stipulation is that we have it at your place because mine lacks privacy. But also, cause, as enjoyable as our phone conversations are, our dinner conversation will be even better in person that over speaker phone! ;)..."

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (25 April 2014):

Atsweet1 agony auntI think its odd to I feel like this too. I met a guy he was very forth right darn near invading me in I would lie to him about my living situation. Its was somethings I found.out about him I.dont like that will be a issue cause Its a risk to my daughters. I had another run in with him also with my friends the police. I can tell me and him are on different sheets and he is perphaps hiding.somethings. I keep telling him I dont love him after a month and that we are just friends. If he is seeking more or for someone to take care of him I cant do that. I will end when the time is right and that comes up. I dont mind friends and intimate friendship but Im not really looking to shack up or play house. I also dont want be bothered.with someone who cant handle there business. Im not looking for a host or needy.person. I will work with you though you work with me. I sense to alot of stuff he is avoiding telling me fully or mentioning but giving clues about and I dont like that plus he is older than me. I would suggest go with your gut about the issue and stay focused on yourself so you want be distracted. Alot of users and abusers are looking for a fool everyday. Its my turn now to find what I like and desire. Not just what somebody is throwing and forcing on me with pressure. Talking bout they want me to fall in love with them right with meeting me..And they was in a abusive relationship as I have been in two myself. Plus Im just getting divorce recently. Life is too short to be letting strangers come in to control and conquer.. Thats how I feel about it.

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A female reader, cattycakes United Kingdom +, writes (24 April 2014):

Tell him that you want to see where he lives as part of getting to know him better so arrange to meet at his for coffee first, on your next date. Insist. You need to know who he is and more about him. If he won't let you,don't see him again.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (24 April 2014):

You could just be straight with him and say that you just don't feel comfortable yet. And when you get to know him better then it will ok.

You have legitimate questions and good red flags, but these are flags which have answers to them and you are more than welcome to find out about it, from him. This is a part of dating, getting to know the other until you feel comfortable. Yes it is strange he has this weird apartment but there might be a legitimate reasons behind it. And he does have a point about his lack of privacy. His income and his lack of driving are all valid concerns which you should find out whilst dating.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (23 April 2014):

My two cents- if you have a gut feeling about this guy, don't date him anymore.

Us women have this thing called female intuition. We've been unfortunately trained to ignore it. Anytime I've ignored mine, I've regretted it. Trust your gut.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2014):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntHow about you keep dating him for a while and see if he hangs around when you keep the dates in public places? If not, then you know he's speeding things up so he can get laid. If not, if he stops pushing to visit yours, maybe he's an OK guy. It takes a while to get to know someone, to let them "unfold".

That said, I don't like the way he wrote "my only stipulation" - I know he's a lawyer but that's a bit of a wankery thing to write. I would be tempted to write back "my stipulation is that we continue to meet up in public places for the time being".

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 April 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI am with Cindy. He wants to come over for two reasons:

1. sex

2. that way YOU don't know where he lives, but he knows where you live.

Thin walls in a basement apartment? Is he sharing the basement?

Could be the basement apartment was the first place he could find to rent. If he does have a good job then maybe he will look for a better place to live/rent later on.

I agree with CMMP.. If you feel iffy about him, I'd drop him.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt This is just a guess , of course, but I don't think he is hiding a wife or some terrible secret, to me he just sounds like he is really anxious to get laid :). After 3 dates, he want to seal the deal , SOON.

I think he just has thin walls and / or nosy neighbours, the kind of neighbours who spy who comes and goes and the day after make bad taste jokes about " you should take some vitamins , you exherted yourself yesterday night ".

And/ or his place is small, cramped, messy ,

etc.... anyway he thinks you'd be more comfortable ( for having sex ) at your place.

Sure that he could cook dinner also in a place with no privacy, he has to, some days, does not he ?,- only I doubt that the focus of his interest is on dinner....

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (23 April 2014):

Tell him to tell his wife to mind her own business.

Anyways, it's obviously strange. I think the suggestion of stopping by isn't a bad one. It's possible he is reasonably sure you guys will be having sex and he knows the neighbors will here.

In my opinion if you get bad vibes from someone you should stop dating them. Don't ignore your conscious just because he's a lawyer. It's not like that makes him a good person, if lawyer jokes have anything to say about it.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2014):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntIt might be because he has a significant other or it might be because the place is a pigsty and he's embarrassed. You could suggest you pop over for coffee one afternoon - I'm sure his neighbours wouldn't object to that!

What also strikes me is that he seems to be pushing to be alone with you, and the reason for that is pretty easy to guess. Are you ready to get intimate with him, after 3 dates?

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (23 April 2014):

llifton agony auntI do think it's a bit odd that you can't watch a movie or even cook and eat dinner without having "privacy" in his own home. Lord, how does he even sneeze or take a shit without the neighbors hearing? I'm not saying it's for sure that something is up, but it does strike me as very odd. He can't cook dinner? Wtf.

If I had to guess, it sounds like the whole married thing. He's trying to keep you from coming over because .. well .. he can't have you over to him and his wife's house, can he? Lol.

I can't say for certain, of course. But you should always go with your gut. If it's telling you that something feels amiss, it probably is.

Good luck.

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