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Partner spends all his money then gets nasty if I don't give him money

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 November 2021) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 November 2021)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

my partner spends half or more of his money every payday on weed and takeaways then he runs out of money and has nothing to eat. when he runs out of money he is horrible to me he expects money from me to eat when im struggling on my own paying for things never ask him for a penny. he gets more money than me he gets money from his mother and father and me. and i only have my own money to survive.

today he went mad saying hes going to cut off the electric in his flat and yet again said hes going to boot me out of his flat. i pay my way for things i pay all the gas bill too. i only have twenty pound left and need it for tomorrow yet he wants money from that too. he gets very abusive and violent if i dont comply with whatever he wants. i need some advice as im starting to get really depressed and i have nowhere to go or no one to turn too

View related questions: depressed, money, violent

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2021):

Years ago I had to get married - long story but not because of being pregnant. Then found that the guy I married was similar to this one, terrible with money, did not earn much, and then expected to work his way through mine. We soon got into debt and all sorts despite me working very long hours and spending it all on him and bills. He would get violent and physically abusive if I did not hand over my money. I realised that he would not change and he was not worth being with but I had nowhere at all to go, no support whatsoever from anyone. So I made a plan. I knuckled down to work, work and hiding away bits of money here and there. Then I paid him to sign a document that said we were separating and he would leave the house (which I had paid for) and give me a divorce asap. I knew that as soon as he heard that he could get a large sum of money in return for going he would say yes, because money or the idea of it always burnt a hole in his pocket quickly. To give you an idea of how stupid and irresponsible he was he took the money and signed the legal declaration then spent the whole lot on a camera - even though he had nowhere to live! Years later he is now living in a tatty caravan and I have five houses, a lot of investments and savings and a fantastic house I paid for cash. People can only make you miserable and hold you back if you let them. Personally I would not be with someone who smokes weed either, not only is it a waste of money and too expensive for most's pockets but it can cause lot of serious issues mentally and health wise - i.e. anger.

Unfortunately in a situation like this people online can only advise you, it is up to you to make the necessary changes.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 November 2021):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf your partner is violent, get advice and help from Refuge, who support victims of domestic abuse. They will be able to help you get out and find somewhere to live.

Alternatively, try to find a room in a shared house or similar, which will be cheaper than having a flat. If you are earning and already paying your own way, and also helping support your partner's weed habit, you can afford a place of your own.

Your partner is not going to change. YOU have to take the initiative and get away from him. If you think he will turn violent when he learns you are leaving, see if a friend can store important documents etc for you and try to leave when he is not around.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (8 November 2021):

kenny agony auntYou need to leave him and get out sooner rather than later. Nothing is going to change anytime soon, and he is certainly never going to change.

You have given it your all, you have tried your very best to support him, but he is beyond help and instead of being greatful he repay's you with abuse and violence. OP you need to start looking into alternative accomodation right now, Family, friends, a woman's shelter, but leave him you must before something serious happens.

Get out, change your number and block anything to do with him.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (7 November 2021):

It's pretty obvious that this guy sucks and you need to leave him. Start figuring out how to do that because he will never change and you'll be dealing with his abuse forever if you don't leave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021):

Honeypie says "break up"i know its not easy but its better still,since he is violent nd consider weed imp than u. °Good°

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021):

End it and leave. Do you have a friend or relative you could stay with until you find your feet? If not, could you afford a very cheap rent somewhere on your own?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 November 2021):

Honeypie agony auntOh, honey just break up!

Since you live together (which is NOT GREAT!) YOU need to find another place to live. Look for a roommate situation ASAP. Or a woman's shelter since he is violent and abusive. You don't OWE him ANYTHING. If weed is more important than him having electricity, that is HIS choice! Not your responsibility!

"he gets very abusive and violent if i dont comply with whatever he wants."

That is BAD! That is not a good, healthy loving relationship and you know it.

MAYBE the best way to get out of this relationship is to "make him think breaking up is the best idea ever and that it was HIS idea" It might be safer for you.

And as soon as that happens... CHANGE your number and if he shows up in person to your place DO NOT open the door. If he breaks up with you DO NOT give him your new address.

YOU need to get out of this ASAP.

DO you have any friends who can let you stay while you find a place? If so, pack your important/sentimental items and have the friend hold them for you, while you disentangle yourself from this man.

I would very much suggest you look into a battered woman's shelter ASAP.

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