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My girlfriend isnt bother by people invading her personal space.

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 September 2019) 16 Answers - (Newest, 7 October 2019)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend seems to not be bothered by people getting too close up in her personal space . When she looking for things or working she doesn't seem phase by people squeezing through her or their body brushing up against hers without even flinching or arching her body to avoiding body touching. It really bugs me a lot and I did talk to her about it but it seems she doesn't seem to think the way I think. She says people should know she was there first and if they are smart enough they should move around her. That I understand but still men are pigs it really bugs me she. If there is a way I con talk to her about this without sounding too insecure or jealous ?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019):

I guess you don't know me either, if you think I lack empathy for being straight-up with you. You came for advice, because you couldn't figure-out a way to control your girlfriend. I didn't specifically point out your insecurities, you put them on display by writing your posts. Then coming back with scathing rebuttals to opinions when you weren't told what you wanted to hear.

Your situation is all about trusting your girlfriend. You feel she's allowing guys to brush-up against her; because she's not respectful of you, or smart enough to know better. I think you're the one unfairly judging her. I stand by my advice, and YOU'RE the one who asked US for our opinions.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 October 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think anyone on her lacks empathy but you DO think YOU need to fix this issue FOR her, even if SHE doesn't see it as a problem.

YOU have already talked to her and she shrugged it off so what else is there really to do? You either accept it or you don't.

Her attitude isn't the problem either, to be honest. It's the MEN who thinks it's OK to rub on a woman in passing.

30+ years ago I visited Rome for the first time at 16, and I tell you my bum was black and blue from being pinched by men. Mostly OLD dudes (like 70+). And I honestly think they felt it was a compliment they were giving me. Or they just enjoyed the shocked faces. Insane. I went back to Rome, maybe 5 years later, and the same issue, but I had learned some Italian phrases and retorts and while IT made ME feel better, my bum was still black and blue from pinches. I still ENJOYED Italy, and weirdly enough it was ONLY in Rome it happened , it seemed like the rest of the male population in Italy were MUCH better behaved around younger women.

I don't really see WHAT she can do to STOP men with no manners from invading her personal space. In a sense I kind of envy her IGAF attitude to people invading her personal space.

People today lack the grace and manners of polite social interaction with strangers. Online and off.

I would also ask, WHAT is it that you think will happen with her not giving a single F? What is your "fear" for her? Or worry?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To WiseOwlE

It is lack of empathy if you guys and girls are on here to point fingers about my insecurities . Yes I did ask for people opinion but I didn't ask for people to bashing me and adding extra . I never said I was trying to control her. You guys and girls on here just assume and judging me wrongly when you don't even know me or where I am coming from.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (2 October 2019):

Your girlfriend isn’t the problem. Your jealousy and insecurity is. So no, there is no way that you can talk to her about your insecurity and jealousy without sounding insecure and jealous.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

OP, a couple of things. I can relate to your feelings. Such a gf would displease me also. That said, your anger is misplaced at the Aunts and Uncles! While I can relate to your feelings, they all gave good and truthful answers! Whether it is you, or if it were me, it is our own problem, when we are uncomfortable with our gfs not being offended at being rubbed over, by a strangers body. I mean you have talked to her, and it is just not making her uncomfortable or offending her. My gf would turn and slap a dude, if he rubbed her behind. She is no prude, but she will demand respect! You either have to accept your girlfriend, perceived faults and all, or you have the option to move on, and find a girl who thinks more like you do. It is not possible to change your gfs mind and it is pointless to get angry with her, or us, because your anger is only doing harm to your mind and your physical health, as in high blood pressure etc. If I were in your place, I would move on. Sorry for your situation. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

Typo corrections:

"Not overreact to appease your jealousy and insecurity; or make a big-deal out of nothing."

"If they overreact with the wrong lady or guy, sometimes they get a bloody nose."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

My friend, you shouldn't get angry when you sought some opinions on the matter. It's not a lack of empathy to suggest that this is bothering you more than it bothers your girlfriend. If you read your own post, isn't that what this is all about? You're the one offended?

Your girlfriend is a grown-woman, and her body and mind are hers to control and protect. I would reasonably assume that she is intelligent enough to analyze a situation; and decide what her best reaction or response should be. Not overreact to appease your jealousy and insecurity; or make a big-deal out nothing. She knows when someone is out-of-line; and she told you she won't get pushed around by anybody. Maybe that includes you as well! She's a tough and defiant female. Apparently, smart too!

You infer that she lacks the judgement and doesn't respond as you deem she should. I'm sorry, but I have to say that it's not really up to you! If she's not offended, you have no right to be. Especially, if it's based on your jealousy; and you feel she shouldn't be touched, because she's your property.

If you're implying she deliberately allows men to brush up against her; then she doesn't mind, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I did suggest getting a new girlfriend; because you have no right to control her, or tell how she should behave. I can go for months without bumping into anyone. Then there are times I can't help but squeeze by someone in crowded-spaces, or in a tight passageway. I will politely excuse myself. In a busy club or on a crowded dance floor, it happens. Only drunks or stupid people looking for trouble make a big scene; and end-up getting their asses tossed to the street over being a jerk about it. If the overreact with the wrong lady or guy, sometimes they get a bloody nose. They could have just walked-away. Your reaction depends on the situation.

Sorry that you took my advice in such a bad-way. It's just that it's up to your girlfriend to monitor and regulate her personal-space. As her boyfriend, your jealousy may take offense when it isn't justified. You're likely to get yourself into an altercation with someone who may have accidentally made contact; but you're getting worked-up over things that just happen incidentally to everyone on the planet, sooner or later.

Sorry to have offended you; but I only know how to make reasonable sense of things. I don't just tell people what they want to hear; or patronize them, as you unfairly suggested. You're entitled to your opinion.

You seem very much on the defensive; which seems to give some credence to my observation, and somewhat affirm my opinion.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (29 September 2019):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYour follow up is interesting, you agree your girlfriend isn't bothered but that you are, which makes the problem yours, not hers.

You admit you are jealous and want her to think just like you do. If that's what you want, ie a girlfriend who doesn't think or feel anything except what YOU want her to think and feel then I suggest you get a puppet or a blow up doll.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYour follow-up reply throws a lot of light on your original post and tells me what sort of a person you are. Let me break it down for you:

You guys and girl lack empathy and mostly immature replies (Disagreeing with someone is not the same as lack of empathy. Why would people feel empathy with someone with such a sense of entitlement? And insulting people because they do not agree with you? THAT, my friend, is the most immature thing on this post, not any of the replies you received.)

The problem is I am not overly exaggerating nothing. (Even without the double negative in that sentence, which creates a positive, this is purely your take on this and, judging by the answers you received, nobody else's.)

If you people can't give a opinion without patronizing me than please don't leave any comment at all (Again, disagreeing with someone is not the same as being patronizing. You need to learn the real meaning of the words you use - and no, I am not being patronizing; I am just saying it the way it is. Don't come on a public forum asking for advice if you expect to only receive the advice you WANT to receive. If you don't respect the aunts and uncles of this forum, don't ask for their advice. Simple. No skin off our noses. Honestly.)

Just because my girlfriend doesn't seem to be bothered by it and I am because of a bit jealous which I have every right too because I respect personal space and have boundary limits. (You have absolutely NO right to be offended/jealous on HER behalf. You do not own her body; SHE does. By all means, insist on your own personal boundaries. That is healthy. However, everyone has different boundaries and it is up to them to decide on what is acceptable and what is not.)

I suspect this "jealousy" is just the first step your girlfriend will witness in the sense of entitlement under which you seem to labour. Following on from this will be you not being comfortable with the clothes she wears, the make-up she wears, the job she does, who she speaks to, who she mixed with, etc. I hope she has the sense to get away from you before you try to control her life any more.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

The thing is that as a man you are most likely aware that often, when men brush up against women, it is for a sexual reason. Some of them do it for a quick thrill. As a woman I don't understand this way of thinking, I can't imagine what's thrilling about rubbing against a stranger, but I do know that a lot of men out there enjoy it.

Could you be thinking that your girlfriend is enjoying this kind of interaction in a sexual manner and that's why it bothers you? Because I can tell you that from a woman's perspective it is very unlikely that your girlfriend is getting any kind of sexual thrill from this. We really don't think or behave like men. Maybe if you understand that this is not a sexual thing for her, then you will be able to relax and take it for what it is, just getting on with her day, with others in the way.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say, this is YOUR issue 100%. I'm completely with WiseOwlE on that.

She don't GIVE a flying fart about HER personal space. IT IS after all HER personal space. (or lack there off)

So my advice would be this, get over it or end it with her if you can't handle it. You CAN NOT control how she feels or get mad at every man who gets too close (in your opinion) She isn't your property. She DOESN'T need you to "white-knight" her or "protect" her from guys brush up against her in a crowded place. Because she DON'T CARE about it. It doesn't bother her.

I absolute prefer a LARGE personal space myself, I don't like crowds, I don't like being touched by strangers (even in passing and not intentional), I avoid shaking hands as much as possible, I don't go to stores Christmas shopping due to crowds, I just can't stand it, etc. But when I AM in a situation where it happens that people brush by me or whatnot, I really don't give a flying fart if it is a man or woman that "invade" my personal space, they EQUALLY annoy me.

EVERYONE is different. You GF is indifferent to others "coming into" her personal space. Whereas for many people it would be "invading" their personal space.

SHE is who she is. And you need to accept that, RESPECT that... Or walk away.

Easy Peasy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You guys and girl lack empathy and mostly immature replies , The problem is I am not overly exaggerating nothing. If you people can't give a opinion without patronizing me than please don't leave any comment at all . Just because my girlfriend doesn't seem to be bothered by it and I am because of a bit jealous which I have every right too because I respect personal space and have boundary limits.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

It really sounds like you're just annoyed that people are touching what you consider to be your property and your property is not recoiling in horror. You have much bigger issues to contend with. This is your problem, not hers. But I have a feeling she won't be putting up with your problems for much longer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

I'm a little 50/50 here.

I'm a woman who likes her personal space. I can't stand people brushing past me and find it rude whether it's a man or woman.

If it's a man I do move because like it or not, if I don't move they see it as a sign that i'm okay with their getting too close. Nothing to do with equality etc I just like to send the message that it is not acceptable to brush a leg against me etc

The alternative is for me to come out and say 'move the hell out of my way you ignorant piece of s***' however I fear that one may land me in trouble.

Now getting back to your gf, if you were here showing concern for your gf and saying you don't like people getting too close because you worry they are leering over her and you just want her to be respected then I would say have a serious talk with her about respecting herself and her personal space *wink*! However I actually think you're concerned for the wrong reasons ie jealousy and therefore i'm going to agree with others and say that's your problem and you need to get over it.

I'm not a sheep and therefore i'm not going to stand up and say 'good on your gf for standing her ground etc' as in the real world you are right - a man should know the boundaries however many don't! Same with women ...it may be worth pointing that out to her. After all how would she feel if women were brushing up to you?!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

Your girlfriend gets to set her boundaries and measure her personal-space or parameters. How often are people brushing-up against her? Every five minutes, all day long? Surely you're exaggerating!

The issue is more your problem than hers. I think you're dealing with your own jealousy and insecurity. How are you there to notice how frequently people brush against her? If she doesn't see them coming, she can't prevent it. You're almost implying she wants it. Don't take her to so many cramped places. Stand near, to make people have to go around you both.

Is there a real problem we can help you with, my friend?

My advice. Get over it, or get a new girlfriend. Your concern really doesn't make any sense. If she isn't bothered by it, why are you making it a big-deal?

You're likely to be the one she kicks out of her personal-space. With justification, I might add.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (28 September 2019):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI grew up in an area where there were more sheep than people, my personal space is about 4 to 5 feet, but I have learnt that to effectively work and live in society I need to over come any uncomfortable feelings I experience when people get close, and even when they are about 2 feet away.

I've noticed in some countries people don't seem to have physical personal space, its more of a mental thing where instead of a little cocoon of emptiness around a person its more a lowering of eyes or a change in posture.

And you know something, your girlfriend is right when she states she was there first. Why should women have to move to accommodate men who don't recognise she was there first, why should women scrunch up on public transport because men just instinctively man spread their legs and don't consider others, and why should a woman step out of the way when a man decides to share her space anywhere in this world.

Support your girlfriend and make a change, and talk to your friends about how proud you are of her for taking a stance for equality.

Good luck.

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