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My boyfriend makes fun of me, my family and my culture in front of others!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2014) 10 Answers - (Newest, 7 December 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been officially together for about 2 years now, but it seems as if we have been for 4 years when we first met. I am muslim and he is not inclined towards any one religion. I finally met his family in FL. We stayed at his parents' house for about a week and a half. I have always had insecurity issues about our relationship from the very beginning. I have always felt that I don't fall under the type of girls that he prefers. At the beginning of our relationship, I had trouble trusting him because he used to lie very frequently. While that issue has significantly improved since then, I still have trouble trusting him from time to time. After our trip to his parents' house, I feel as if he does not respect me, my religion, culture, or family. One of the best things about him that I have always liked is that he loves to talk and he is very funny. He makes both good and bad jokes about me, my religion, and family in front of me before and when I think he is being rude, I point it out to him and he stops. But, during our trip, he made a lot of rude jokes about basically every aspect of my life. I laughed along with his parents and friends because I didn't want to create a situation. I discussed the matter with him when we were alone and he apologized and said he would stop. But, the next day we went to see his sister and her friends and he did the same exact thing there. For example, we went out to eat with his parents and I was telling them about the college my sister is going to and he interrupted me and told his parents that my sister's school is "where the dummies go." Or, when I mentioned to them (during the same night/dinner) that my mom worked at the post office, he grunted loudly, making it obvious that he was trying to hold in a laugh (his parents are well off financially than mine). At another time, his mom asked me about Pakistan (where i am from) and what it's like there. I was explaining to her how i really like the cultural clothing and he interrupted me and said that "her (mine) sense of fashion is wearing all black and only so you can see the eyes." He then went on to explain how everyone in the middle east is filthy and the only sane people there are the Isrealis. I wouldn't have minded any of these jokes if he would have made them in front of me alone. But, the fact that he said these things in front of his mom, a woman who doesn't even know me well enough, was rude. I don't want him to degrade me like this in front of his parents because no matter how much he makes fun of my religion/family, at the end of the day, that is part of my life and it hurts to hear it come from him.

He has done similar things in the past when we have gone out to eat alone. One time, we went to Pizza Hut and he replied to something that the waiter said with, "don't worry, after we're done eating, I'll put her back in her cage." He laughed and so did I, but his jokes make me wonder what he really wants from me. Why does he make such degrading jokes in public? Is it because he wants to control me?

He says he wants to propose to me and marry me, but I'm not sure if I can be with a guy like him. Any advice?

View related questions: muslim

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A female reader, lolarhodes United States +, writes (7 December 2018):

Hi - I know this is a very late response but I’m in a similar situation and I would like to know how this turned out for you. Inshallah you will respond.

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A female reader, Fantasy123 United States +, writes (19 January 2017):

Fantasy123 agony auntThis guy is a racist and he's taking pot shots at you and your family. He is only hanging out with you to laugh at you and he sees you as being very desperate. If he can be around the people who are the closest to you which is basically who you are and makes fun of them, he IS making fun of you too. He has the biggest advantage over you because, guess what? You really do like him because you are being desperate (this is kindly being said to you here) and are still with him. Get rid of him NOW and forget about him. You cannot and should never love someone who hates your family. It will never turn out good especially when your family has done their very best to welcome him. Get rid of him now and cut off all communicate now. You WILL find someone much better. Don't be desperate ever. God bless you always.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (21 June 2014):

Dionee' agony auntNo no no. He is plain down rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings towards the things he says.

Who would even think to put down an entire religion, culture and place that his girlfriend is from and not stop even after she asked him to? A jerk.

You should not consider marrying this man and if I were you, I 'd break up with him like last week.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntWhy are you settling for this total ass-clown?

He doesn't respect you, treat you like crap, he is ignorant and rude- he is NOT a catch from anything you write. He acts like yo uare his verbal punching bag and when around family and friends he makes "jokes" because he is EMBARRASSED about you - at least that is HOW it comes across.

So I ask, WHY are you settling for this guy?

Is it because you want something different than what your culture expects of you? I say there i NOTHING wrong for you to DATE any man of ANY ethnic background, but to date someone like that? Honey, you can do so much better. His family might have money, so what?

Is this the kind of man you want to have children with? Who will teach YOUR kids to be as vile and ignorant as himself?

What does your family say to him?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 June 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntMARRY HIM????? The guy has been ABUSING you for a long time..... and you are considering MARRYING him????? Then, what? .... are you going to sit around and be his whipping post for the NEXT 4 years???? ... and the 4 after that?... and after that????

C'mon, this guy has "tipped his hand".... and shown that he doesn't care a whit for - or about - you. Dump him...

Good luck....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

If you are Muslim you should stay away from a man who doesn't believe in God and DEFINITELY stay away from a low-life who has zero respect for you whatever you believe. He sounds like a waste of space!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

Why not remind him that he`s from the most obese nation on earth and see how he likes it?

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2014):

bronzed adonis agony auntThis guy has no respect for you, (and as you have pointed things out to him several times already - all ignored), I doubt he ever will.

Has he ever travelled outside the USA?

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A male reader, Hnk  United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2014):

Hnk  agony auntI'm sorry to say this but I smell the stench of NO RESPECT all over. I am not sure how you can laugh to something so disrespectful and hide your real emotions! Are you desperate to be with him, I apologise for saying this but this is what it looks like!

I think he's just keeping you for time being and you don't come anywhere near "his choice of marriage material girl"

Any man who really wants to marry a girl doesn't seem to forget boundaries so often especially with a lot rude and sinister comments. And worst enough, they do not stop even in front of complete strangers !

You deserve a lot better! Coming from a certain religion or cultural background doesn't mean you forget to respect your partner or you deserve a lot less respect than others! I suppose we are all equal as we never had a choice to choose where we were born and we had no choice either about our attributes. Thus we all deserve equal respect!

I guess you should break up with him immediately and work on your insecurities first if you have any. Maybe then you look for someone who can really appreciate you regardless of your background, culture or religion!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (21 June 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI would not touch this young man with a 10 foot pole let alone consider marrying him.

How disrespectful he was about Pakistan and the national dress is particular, to me indicated a great ignorance with no indication of him trying to educate himself.

Unless you are prepared to have him denigrate you and your family, and culture all through your marriage, unless you are prepared for any children you might have with him to grow up disrespecting their mother (you) and her family (their grandparents etc) in the same way avoid marrying this uncultured, rude, bigoted individual until he changes for a period of three years rather than three days.

Personally I doubt he is capable of change, so would suggest you consider your future with him very, very carefully.

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