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My boyfriend is nasty when we argue. Does he not care?

Tagged as: Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 July 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 July 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend is loving and caring but when we argue he likes to name call, being nasty and defensive, as if trying to hurt me back for upsetting him (however unintentionally). I KNOW this is not the ideal conflict resolution scenario. I'm just wondering if this means he doesn't really care about me? Is his pride more important than me?

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (3 July 2018):

TylerSage agony auntI think your intuition is the best entity available for answering this question. You've highlighted the angelic and demonic sides of this boyfriend of yours and something inside you has lead to questioning if he sincerely cares about you.

Persons who can be very compassionate has the means to be very nasty at times. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. However, these persons also has the means to CHOOSE how they express themselves and their anger to others.

Everyone deserves second chances I believe so I'd recommend you TALK to him. Let him know that you feel he goes a bit over board with his words and expressions during your arguments making them come off more serious than they are. If he refuses to cooperate or even show concern for your worry then he doesn't seem to care that much about your emotions. He's probably only nice when you act in a way that's pleasing to him and he probably gets nasty when you go against his will? Is that right?

Again, your intuition is the best compass for this issue.

All the best.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 July 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHis nastiness when he is angry obviously doesn't sit well with you, otherwise you would not be asking for advice. Trust your gut instinct. This is NOT ok.

Others will only treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. You ALLOW him to be nasty and call you names. At best he is an immature boy who has never learned to handle conflict and lashes out to hurt his "opponent". At worst he is a nasty bully who will progress to other forms of control over you.

Do you want to waste more time on someone who is this nasty? Do you think this is all you deserve? You KNOW you deserve to be treated with respect ALL the time, not just when you do as he wishes.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntDoes he care?

I find your question odd to be honest.

You are not concerned that this is how he sees you (and probably other women)?

Do you presume that this is "just" how some people deal with arguments?

Are you really OK with this?

Like the others suggested this is a form of abuse. It also shows a lack of self control. He isn't name calling because you two disagree, he does it to HURT your feelings. And what do you do? Apologize and suck it up?

Can you imagine how he would treat your kids? How this CAN escalate into physical violence?

You might think OH NO he would never put his hands on me... but this is how it starts most often. Abusive people "train" their partners to think THEY did something wrong and somehow "deserve" this kind of shit. That it's NOT that bad to be called "names".

I don't know about your childhood and upbringing but I wouldn't say it's NORMAL in any way to call your partner "names" - unless it's endearing nickname or pet names. It's absolutely NO way to resolve ANYTHING.

Why do you allow this?

I have been with my husband for over 20 years and he has NEVER EVER called me a derogatory name when mad at me or me at him. NEVER. NONE of the guy I have dated did that kind of crap either.

YOU have to decide if this is OK or not.

Personally, I think it's disrespectful, condescending, abusive and disgusting. I would want to be wit ha guy who thought that kind of behavior is OK. Mad or not. No, it's NOT OK.

But what do you think?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018):

We say things we don't mean when we're angry. Name-calling and hitting below the belt is taking it to another level. That's verbal-abuse; and the next rung up is verbal-assault.

Op's tend to leave out details, and we give advice based on whatever information provided; but sometimes we have to speculate, or make presumptions.

When an argument escalates to the point of name-calling, sometimes there are a lot of factors we need to consider. Before jumping to the conclusion the OP is a victim; and the boyfriend is some kind of abuser, given to rage and/or a bad temper.

OP's don't indicate details regarding their own behavior, like: Provoking people by persistent nudging, and nagging over an extended period of time. Causing public scenes. Destruction of personal-property. Using social media to publicly humiliate. Bringing-up personal-issues out in public where the discussion can be heard. Constant passive-aggressive behavior and over-extended periods of pouting. Prickling at someone at the end of their workday; when they're tired and exhausted. Playing vindictive head-games that cause psychological-trauma and confusion.

He has no right to name-call under any circumstances. If he resorts to excessive use of the B-word, or the C-word; that is verbal-assault. Degrading remarks and pointing out physical imperfections is an attack on your self-esteem. That is also verbal-assault. Excessive yelling, teeth-gnashing, spitting, and shouting you down. That is violence and rage. The law prohibits this kind of male-behavior. It's now becoming less tolerant of this behavior in women. They are not excused from verbal-assault.

To put it simply, name-calling shows extreme hostility and disrespect. It shouldn't be dismissed; because it is a red-flag that there is a serious anger-management problem. I take issue with men who call women names. I put it in the same category as a coward who hits women. Don't get me started; anyone here on DC knows I'm protective of women, children, and the elderly. I don't go for men bullying and using their strength to intimidate or injure people who can't defend themselves. I just don't take such things lightly.

Sit him down. Set boundaries about what's fair and what's not in disagreements. No name-calling. EVER!!! I don't mean silly little childish things used by five year-olds; but terminology that is offensive and extremely disrespectful! Words or names that leave you surprised and aghast! Head-spinning verbal-abuse that sends ice-water through your veins. If that's the reaction you're getting; he's got a serious problem! You better consider whether you're safe with a guy like that.

Disagreements do not justify abuse or violence! Neither are verbal-attacks, nor physical-violence ever acceptable or justified. If he ever raises his hand to you, or breaks anything. Call the cops! Angry-speech is usually the precursor to violence. Consider it a warning!

Leave the room or end the argument, when he calls you a name. Don't say another word! In fact, ask him to leave until he cools off. Don't provoke people to the very threshold of their composure. That's also abuse!

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A female reader, Aunty Susie Australia +, writes (3 July 2018):

Aunty Susie agony auntIf someone loves and respects you, it doesn't matter how angry they are with you, they don't call you names. This is not a healthy relationship. And you need to move on before you get trapped. You're already making excuses for him - "however unintentionally". It's not pride or love, for him, it's all about power over you.

Take care xx

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (3 July 2018):

Tisha-1 agony auntHe’s shown you who he is. Do you not believe him? Are you hoping that he will stop being a nasty person because he is involved with you?

You sound like you are being groomed by him into accepting his nastiness. Which will then escalate from verbal abuse to emotional abuse. His “caring and loving” is when you are in line with his wishes, correct?

You are so concerned about whether he loves you, that you are forgetting the basic fact that you need to love yourself and ditch nasties! Nasties are generally bad for your emotional and physical health.

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