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Met a girl I like but am a virgin and want to tell her but don't want to seem pathetic or clueless.

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 April 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2014)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

For various reasons (a mix of bad luck, bad timing and my own commitment issues) I've never have had a girlfriend. Sure I've been on dates but it's never gone anywhere because either I'm not interested or I struggle to pursue something I am interested in.

Anyway, despite having chances to have sex, I'm still a virgin - in part because I guess I'd like to lose my virginity to someone who I actually care about (at least more than a one night stand)! I guess I have a huge block about a) the thought of actually going through with it with someone and b) the actual logistics - I imagine I'd be pretty terrible!

Recently I met a girl on a night out who lives close(ish) to where I go to university, we've been texting loads and talk on the phone a lot - the reason we haven't met again is because I'm back in my hometown but I'm planning to return to university soon. I've realised I need to stop holding out for "the one" and just see where things go, meaning when I go back to university we're going to meet up. The suggestion is we go on a date and then she comes and stays at mine (since hers is a little way away) which brings the possibility of sex into things. Obviously I'm not going to rush anything but if it gets to that stage... I just... I really want to but I guess I'm clueless.

Now here's the crux of the issue, I've never told anyone I'm a virgin - absolutely nobody. I'm a relatively attractive guy so it's kind of assumed that I have had sex and if people ask me I just kinda nod. Now I don't think it's a good idea to lie to her about it to save face so I want to tell her - I just don't want to seem pathetic about it. I know a lot of girls would find it cute but I just find the whole issue of my (lack of) sex life pretty awkward.

Evidently I'm not gonna meet up with her and yell out "I'M A VIRGIN!!!" but how would I actually go about telling her? When she comes back to mine if things get a little physical (but wouldn't that kill the mood)? Or in a conversation about ex's? I genuinely don't know... any help would be appreciated!


tl;dr Met a girl I like but am a virgin and want to tell her but don't want to seem pathetic or clueless.

View related questions: one night stand, sex life, still a virgin, text, university

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014):

I'm completely on board with honeypie- there's NO unwritten rule that says you should have sex at a certain age, or rush into it, EVER... I'm telling you if it turns out this girl doesn't understand this, you don't want to be with her.. . She hasn't got much substance. Remember sex isn't just a physical thing, it's an emotional thing, it's not about a machine working like clockwork, things have to be relaxed, you both have to be on the same wavelength emotionally and mentally, and just lighten the mood with humour, that's what I always do when I'm nervous... So yeah my life's a constant joke... Lol!

But I agree make sure you use a condom, even if she's on the pill, Research birth control. Maybe try loosening up a bit, have more "private time" to boost yours sex drive, so you won't FEEL so rusty... Not that you are lol.

In order for it not to be awkward, you need to feel comfortable and that you can trust each other. Why not take her out on a big day out, a fancy dinner, to show her you're into her,. Have a few drinks (don't get steaming drunk lol) so you're relaxed and ya know just say it in the way that feels most natural to you. Don't make it a big deal, do to overthink it.

Then go back to yours ( or hers) n look deep into her eyes, listen intently to her when she speaks and really get into the moment, experiment with some gentle foreplay.

Hard to let go of hang ups, but relax and try and don't think of it as a hindrance, sex doesn't happen between the legs, it happens between the ears... Ever heard that expression? :)

Good luck :) x

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A female reader, PeanutButter United States +, writes (22 April 2014):

PeanutButter agony auntI don't think it is a bad thing to wait to have sex and I sure wish that I had waited, sometimes!

I think that no matter what happens, you will have a moment where you feel comfortable enough to tell her and it will happen on its own and you will most likely surprise yourself when and if you tell her!

I will say this though, some people love to know that the person they are with hasn't been with anyone else before and if they are genuinely interested in you in will not be a huge deal AT ALL!

HOWEVER. Women are players sometimes too and you never know if this girl is going to stick around of if she is just there for the sex if you are a good looking fella and telling her about your virginity might cause her to rethink her actions before going there with you if she is only in it for teh sex and if she has a conscience!

Either way, I don't see the harm in taking time to get to know her and let her know when you feel you would like to tell her - or don't tell her at all! There is no rule book that says you have to and so see where the mood takes you!

Also, I agree with the previous poster about learning to use a condom - simple advice but something many people tend to get their knickers in a twist about but it does save so many problems down the line and if you know what you're doing there, it will make the whole act less fumbly when you have to put one on.

Good luck!

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A female reader, buubly100 United Kingdom +, writes (22 April 2014):

hi there :)

I had similar experience with my current boyfriend. I didn't want to have sex with just any person, but someone I cared about, and I'm very glad I waited.

As for the telling her that you're a virgin- I went for the right before we were about to have sex for the first time moment- horrendously cringey in my head! However, he took it extremely well, saying he was merely a bit surprised as I was attractive and he'd assumed I'd had a lot of partners before him.

if the girl is really genuinely into you- I guarantee she will not care in the slightest. If anything, she should feel special that you chose to lose your virginity to her. That's what my boyfriend said.

If it starts leading that way in the bedroom with her, just say exactly as you did in your post; you were waiting for the right person, and you hope she will respect that.

as for the inexperienced me you learn pretty quickly ;) and don't be afraid to ask what she likes! she'll feel flattered you're making the effort to please her.

hope I've helped! xx

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (22 April 2014):

YouWish agony auntWhat?? Being a virgin isn't that bad! Many women would prefer it. I married a guy who was one, and trust me, he got really good! In my opinion, it's better than a guy who's a player/Lothario who uses women left and right.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 April 2014):

Honeypie agony auntYou make it sound like being a virgin is equal to having a disability, it's not. ALL it means is that you have had NO personal experience with sex. EVERYONE has been there. EVERYONE.

My first suggestion is that you make sure you have condoms and know how to put one on. Number 1. Even if sex is a couple of months away.

2. don't be afraid to tell her. She is NOT going to think there is anything wrong with you. My guess is that 99% of women would be pretty flattered that YOU haven't been sleeping around and are wanting HER to be YOUR first.

3. GO slow. Don't just have sex to "get it out of the way". You have waited this far. GET to know her. It will make sex a LOT less awkward for BOTH of you.

Would it kill the mood? I can't see why. Now if you had portrayed yourself as some Don Juan or player, she might have expectations, since you haven't. It will be fine.

When you DO get her in bed. Focus on her, ask her what she likes avoid the penetration part for JUST a bit til you BOTH seem comfortable. AND ALWAYS use condoms (even if she is on the patch/pill). Don't rush the sex.

Like I said, EVERYONE has been there. It will be OK.

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