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The sex isn't doing it for me and I'm waiting for him to open up about his feelings. Where to go from here?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 April 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone...

I've been dating a guy for 3 months now, I'm 25 and he's 29. He's really sweet, kind, caring and good fun to be around, however the sex is just not doing it for me.

During my two previous relationships, we've both initiated sex with one another but they always took the lead, which I was more than happy with.

My new guy initiates sex with me but seems to clam up halfway through foreplay and expects me to take the lead all the time. I'm happy to do this sometimes as I know he hasn't had much sexual experience but every now and again I'd like him to take over and surprise me.

I let him know how much I like the things he does to me but I'd prefer him to just do it and not ask me if he should do it! We've talked about it and I've told him I'm really into him and that he's got nothing to worry about but he doesn't seem to want to open up to me....

He's not my usual type of guy that I'd go for, he's shy and quiet but I've grown very fond of him and have strong feelings for him.

We've not been dating long so I'm hoping that he'll open up to me when he's ready but it's like he's willing to have sex with me but not willing to share his feelings with me! Maybe he's just not that into me?!

What do you guys think? Any advice on where we go from here would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks xx

View related questions: foreplay, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Cindy!

Thank you for your reply! You were not having a dumb moment lol I should have been more specific.

What I meant was he doesn't seem to want to open up to me sexually. Although emotionally, too. I'm a very open person and I tell him how I feel about him, to which he just smiles and hugs or kisses me.

This doesn't bother me though because like I mentioned, he is shy and maybe he doesn't feel comfortable in opening up emotionally yet.

Sexually, he clams up - but he's more than happy for me to take over during foreplay and sex. We could be lying in bed fooling around, kissing and cuddling and it seems like he would be more than happy to leave things at that! I know there is more to a relationship than sex but I love feeling that deep connection with a partner during sex. I feel that with him and I'm sure he does too.

I guess you are right and I should wait for him to feel comfortable enough to open up to me both sexually and emotionally!

Thank you for your response!


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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt OP, perhaps you can clarify, maybe I am having a dumb day :), but I don't understand if you are talking about opening up sexually, or sentimentally, or both.

At first it seemed that your problem was only about the sexual sphere, - that he is not very assertive in bed, or inventive,- that he's a bit insecure. And if it's just that, my advice would be to be patient and give him time, you said he is shy , inexperienced, an introvert,.. maybe he just needs to practice some more . I'd let him sink or swim , step back a little , if you don't initiate, or suggest, or do not push him to progress from foreplay to more... well, he will have to at some point ! Reward him with praise and vocal cues when he does something right , so he " gets " that move- but let him find his own way in general. That would seem counterintuitive, since we always encourage women to be clear about their wants and needs , to speak out , and say what they need etc, and I do not recant this general advice, but since the problem here is that this guy tends to act a bit like a trained dog, he follows directions when he hears them loud and clear but nothing more... maybe he needs , at least for the moment, some space to come up with " ideas ", and just to relax , and to trust you, to be able to let go of his insecurities and sexual defenses.

But then you says he won't share his feelings ? what feelings: in general ? About you, about the relationship , if he loves you or not ?....Well, it's only 3 months, and if he is the strong and silent type... what is it that you'd want him to talk about with you, specifically ?

Or , maybe do you mean, that he is not good at describing / communicating his SEXUAL sensations ?.. "I like when you put X in my Y, but not so much when you put Z in my W "?. Eh again, patience and time. And your example. You share what you want to share, but not demand he does the same. Some people, what with their background or personality or other stuff, don't feel comfortable with that, some are not quite able to pinpoint their sensations because they are just too caught in the moment, some do not like to be too technical about sex. Actually, I sort of agree, even if personally am not a shy person. But , often words are not appropriate, or not enough in certain contexts, let the BODY talk, tell things with your hands , your eyes, your breath, your facial expressions,your smile, your moans ...often it's more than enough. Of course you have to be a good observer too, perceptive and receptive, to body cues, not just to verbal, technical explanations !

I suspect that, during my dumb moment, I probably haven't understood what you really meant, or asked, but hey, I hope you'll appreciate that I tried :)

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