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Is this behaviour normal ?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2022) 5 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2022)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Is it normal for a guy to be in “love” with someone and start dating someone else within few days of a fight and completely giving up on their partner , saying they will try to be friends now.

This guy I fell for had a fallout with me and got a new gf within few days. He was seeing someone already when he had feelings for me so I was amazed how he is capable of feeling for multiple people at the same time. He started seeing this person just a couple of days after he spent months with me , and confessing how he fell in love and that he hasn’t said it to anyone before . I’m not naive to fall for what anyone would say but I thought he was sincere . The fact that he started seeing me just few days after his breakup with a long term ex and how he was seeing someone already couple of days after he went back and now he is dating someone new just within days of breaking up with me. Is that normal?

He has a string of exes whereas I have a few long term relationships in my past in which I was never labelled toxic and crazy but this person called me toxic and crazy just because I expressed my hurt and spoke up . He blocked me for these “attacks” which were me speaking up my hurt in a respectful way.

He also calls his sis abusive , his ex toxic so I doubt I was the crazy one as he said. Basically everyone is crazy and toxic except him. No one has called me crazy before .

I really thought he was a sincere guy and we were good friends before so I’m so confused what just happened ? Is it normal for a man to jump between multiple women in days ? Especially when you were in “love”?! He is 33, seeks therapy to take care of his mental health , has a psychologist to take care of emotional health, says all the right things , sounds so mature and caring . No wonder women fall for him in no time but why do I find this behaviour abnormal ? Don’t you need time between relationships to process your emotions ? I haven’t been able to go on a date in a month and he is already “in love “ with a new person and the PDA and looking into eyes and everything is exactly how he did it with me . It’s bizarre to see him madly deeply in love so soon! I’m not jealous but it’s a pattern with him and I just wanna know if I really dodged a bullet here .

PS- He is part of a group and he is dating third women from the same group in 4 months . It’s like he will date anyone in sight right after breakup. All 3 women of the group are now either his partner or exes and I feel it’s strange but id like a third person opinion . I’ll also post about what really happened between this guy and me in a separate post cause I’m so damn confused

View related questions: fell in love, his ex, jealous

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 July 2022):

Honeypie agony auntOP, don't feel bad for thinking he might be a great guy.

You did the right thing when you saw how he behaved. You welcomed him into your life. And he played you, like he plays everyone else. Even himself.

You had known him as a friend for 3 years, so he wasn't a total stranger, but you little about his dating life. So thinking he seems like a good guy wasn't wrong. This man was GREAT at faking being a decent guy.

Sometimes people surprise us in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. He falls into the latter group. Dust yourself off, cut all contact and move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2022):

Hi! Thank you for answering my question “is this behaviour normal? Sorry this might be a bit long - I did not know about him dating women from the same group or about his ex until I started falling for him. I broke up on time and never went back so I had a “narrow escape”.

I am not part of this group. He joined his group last year November but he was already seeing his ex so he made her join the group too. They broke up but he decided to have a casual relationship with her right after breakup (lol) . Obviously the girl was emotionally attached , he left her coldly , they had a fight , there was no closure and he left travelling , also when he came to visit me. I live in a different country. He just showed up and I let him live, hosted him for months, invited him over with my family and friends and as in my culture, treated him the best. We were close friends since 3 years but he never talked about his exes or love life and if I think of it now , there was always a hint of romance in his talks .. even when he was in a rel with someone! Always so keen to talk to me.

I always had feelings but didn’t act on it cause of distance. When he came, I treated him as a good friend and when he saw there was no chance to date me, he talked about his ex and fight they had before coming . Within few days to a month, I started falling for him cause we were spending days together , travelling together etc we had pretty deep conversations and connected on a deep level. I was myself around him and same for him. This is the only reason I even gave importance to this guy. He told me he was in love with me and hasn’t said that to lot of exes. But we decided not to pursue long dis till we figure it out but all this time , he was getting close to some other girl over texts and calls from the group with whom he had a thing right after his fight with his ex . He started seeing her within a day of going back while I was in tears getting over him!! He didn’t stop talking like a lover to me so I finally asked if he is seeing someone . That’s when he confessed about this new girl and how he was getting close to her . I felt so used like he came to visit me only to get over his ex and is now seeing someone new WHILE leading me on , calling me love of his life and what not ! I finally mustered the courage to have this convo , he said he has only being seeing this new girl for a month and will breakup , not because of me but for his own personal reason which he never told me . He said I could be his gf and it would be his dream come true . He broke up with her but was so hurt , he told me it pained him, they were planning to be exclusive etc. I was shocked . What was he doing with me ?! Who was I all this while ? Living my day and night for him, being there for him . He said a lot of nasty shit on the pretext of “hurting” over his breakup, he dumped his shit on me. He even accused me of making him stay with me!! He came willingly and I went out of my way to make his stay special , involving him with family friends , putting my job aside to travel with him etc. I was shocked to my core. I expressed my hurt which became “attacks”, he labelled me toxic and abusive like he labelled his ex and his sis and other exes and blocked me. Within 2 days, he started seeing the third girl from the same group!! Same loved up looks he gave me , how! I’m still hurting . After spending months together , calling me soulmate , calling me best friend ! And it took him 2 days to fall in love again lol.

No, I didn’t think I could pin him down . When I started seeing his actions , I left and never made an attempt to go back . But he came off as such a good person that I was left confused for a long time that what just happened .

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (24 July 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhat is "normal"? Personally, I hate that word when used to describe people because everyone is unique. No two people are alike in every way. To answer your question, this is "normal" FOR HIM (based purely on the content of your post, which is all we have to go off).

I have a question for YOU: why did his behaviour not ring alarm bells BEFORE you got close to him? By your own admission, you knew he had just split with a long term ex, you knew he had dated (and finished with) other females in your friendship group. Why did you think he would treat YOU any differently? As you are the one writing in, I am going to be brutal and venture that the issue is YOURS, not his. Did you need to believe you were "different" in some way to the others? Were you so keen to bag this guy nobody else could pin down that you were willing to turn a deaf ear to the alarm bells which you SHOULD have been hearing? You need to ask yourself these questions and be brutally honest with yourself about the part YOU played in this relationship which, let's face it, was doomed from the start. (I say these things because, in my mid 20s, I had a similar relationship for all those reasons. Looking back, it was totally ridiculous to assume this guy was going to change for ME but, at the time, I ignored all the warning signs because I was so desperate to "win" him. If it makes you feel any better, 30 years later this guy contacted me, telling me he had never forgotten me, even though he was married. They seldom if ever change.)

According to you, this guy suffers from all sorts of issues for which he seeks professional help, yet you deluded yourself that he was stable enough to form a long-term relationship, despite this and his previous record? Really?

For what it's worth (and it's really irrelevant, because the person you should be concentrating on is YOU), this guy is a charmer who is desperate not to be alone but who is completely incapable of sustaining a long term relationship due to his "issues". He has a string of rebound relationships, all doomed to failure from the start. Yes, you "dodged a bullet" but use this as a lesson and maybe work on YOURSELF so you are not so desperate for a relationship in the future that you ignore the very plain warning signs that someone is not a viable long term partner.

Chin up. It's not the end of the world. Take the whole episode as a good life lesson and move on.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 July 2022):

Honeypie agony auntOP

It's a HUGE red flag when someone calls EVERYONE else toxic or crazy.

He dates women from his friend group - that is another red flag. That is what a LAZY guy will do. He just goes after the closest and (pardon) easiest "prey". Which would be women around him.

I don't think it's "normal" to claim to be in "LOVE" and then 3 days after a disagreement/fight move on to someone else. It's a red flag. THAT is someone who sees other people (especially women/partners) as DISPOSABLE.

I think you DID really really dodge a bullet. And there is NO way in Hades I'd want to stay in contact or pretend to be "friends" with him after. I'd block, delete and cut him off.

If he is part of a friend group you also belong to, I would stick to ONLY participating when HE isn't attending OR finding new friends. I know, it's not a simple solution but what would be BEST for you.

Someone who can jump from partner to partner in a blink of an eye do NOT feel deeply, do NOT commit wholeheartedly.

He always has one foot out, ready to jump to the next woman who will have him.

I don't think it's the women he is dating, it's him. HE isn't capable of being a GOOD long-term partner, and he knows it.

Thank you lucky star he moved on, that leaves YOU room to find someone who is a better fit FOR you.

Also, if he is in his 30's - he is too flipping old for this.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (23 July 2022):

mystiquek agony auntSome people are that way. My ex husband has been married and divorced 5 times. I was wjfe #1. He had another girl pregnant before our divorce and got married 6 weeks after our divorce! I did not remarry for 3 years. He always had a back up chick. Every marriage that ended, he already had someone else lined up. Every relationship hevhas ever been in. He told me once he was afraid of being alone. I find it sad and disturbing but yes some people function that way.

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