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How do I reassure GF that I can wait?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2022) 4 Answers - (Newest, 26 July 2022)
A male United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

This question is mainly for the females I guess. So my GF asked me if I fantasized about blow jobs or hand jobs since we are not having sex for moral reasons on her religion which I respect. I admitted yes I fantasize about that stuff but then I saw she was like freaked out about it when I admitted that and I said she did not have to do that if she did not want to do it just because I fantasized about it because I would be okay if that never happened but she got so upset she was not doing anything to help me out with being good and she knows I like her that way and am trying to hide my erections. I tried to make a joke and said I help myself out as needed. She did not think it was funny like she feels like she is not a good girlfriend because I guess other girls say what they do for their guys or whatever which could be lies you know. I think they are just saying things to upset her like she is not being a good girlfriend leaving me all frustrated or whatever because they do not like her religion maybe. Obviously I would like to have sex or a blow job or a hand job or really anything she is in the mood to do but I can also chill and do nothing. I was already a virgin with no experience before we got together. It is not like I did not know she was a good girl when we started dating I totally knew that and like that about her even if I am not the same religion as her. I honestly did not expect much more than holding hands, hugging, and kissing and those things are great. She says I am lying to her to make her feel better which is not true. I admitted I fantasize okay that is like unavoidable but it is also true I can handle it if we just wait on the big stuff. I just don’t want her to cry over it you know. That kills me so bad when she cries about anything. Honestly if someone else was dating her I feel like they could guilt her into doing more but I could not live with it doing something like that to her. She is so sweet. She cannot help it if she is hot also. My dad and I got this boxing heavy bag and boxing gloves and we are doing this workout thing in our garage with it so he can lose weight and not die of blood pressure and he likes boxing and if I do it with him he thinks he will stick with it and it is fun also. These girls told her I was doing it because boys exercise because they are sexually frustrated. I told her that was total crap and does not even help with that in my opinion. I know it is wrong but I want to box the hell out of these girls for making her feel this way. What do I need to do to reassure her that I can wait as long as she wants to wait and not be mad about it? My mom suggested I give her a purety ring which you can get and we both wear one and like we are in it together like not all the pressure on her. What do you think? I need ideas please.

View related questions: blow-job, erection, hand-job, in the mood, kissing, lose weight, sexually frustrated

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022):

This is not about religion, she is using that as an excuse. She has an odd way of looking at things. She wants to tease you and she wants you to feel guilty when you feel sexy. That is not normal. Why can you not see this with your own two eyes? She wants to talk the talk and wind you up about sex and then leave you without it. But she also wants you to be able to forget about a normal sex life for the rest of your life. She does not love you and she is not normal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022):

She might have an unrealistic expectation that you would not have fantasies even though you are a teenage boy raging with hormones. Or she might be trying to use a guilt trip to keep you from wandering (which sounds unnecessary). Or she might be feeling genuinely guilty herself because she is conflicted between her moral values and wanting to do something that would give you pleasure and show her feelings for you. Or she may just be seeking reassurance from you.

I am not sure about the theory from other poster about narcissim. I am not qualified to comment on a psychiatric diagnosis. I will say when I was that age I was highly emotional, way too concerned about what other people thought, and full of doubt. As a female, I can say some of us tend to fret about things needlessly but most of us tend to get less intense as we mature.

As for the theory about men and exercise I do not know if that helps or hurts guys deal with sexual frustration. Maybe it could make them tired and not up for sex. On the other hand, I believe exercise increases testosterone levels so it may work the other way for some guys. Either way, she should not try and connect you helping your dad with her being somehow inadequate as a girlfriend. She should be happy her boyfriend is working out and staying fit.

She is definitely listening to people with some unhealthy ideas about sex or a malicious purpose. She needs to stop listening to negative people and just focus on the two of you and what you want and decide to do as a couple. The purity ring (not purety) sounds like a sweet idea if you are really up for the commitment. That could do a lot to reassure her you are in it with her (despite any fantasies or desires you have naturally).

You sound like a very patient and kind young man. I don't think she is taking advantage of you. She is just confused and nervous herself probably. What you said about hating it when she cries tells me you care about her genuinely. Don't stop being honest though just to tell her what she wants to hear. She asked and you answered so you did nothing wrong.

Try to be patient with her just as much as you want her to be patient with you. Good luck, young man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2022):

Adding on to my post about Covert Narcissism, though, beware, I'm in no position to claim through your one internet post that I know for a fact that you are dealing with Covert Narcissism:

"I tried to make a joke and said I help myself out as needed. She did not think it was funny"

Does that sound like 'moral outrage' on her part?

You just can't win, can you?

"like she feels like she is not a good girlfriend because I guess other girls say what they do for their guys or whatever which could be lies you know."

Did *you* hear other girls tell her that, or did *she* sow just enough seeds in your mind for you to *think* that other girls told her that?

"I think they are just saying things to upset her like she is not being a good girlfriend leaving me all frustrated or whatever because they do not like her religion"

Did you come to that conclusion on your own, or, again did she sow just enough seeds?

The 'because they do not like her religion' part reeks of "I am so much *superior* to these other girls".

I mean, it's 2022... What's it mean 'they do not like her religion' ?

"She says I am lying to her to make her feel better which is not true"

That's the kind of statement that's designed to make a guy feel like he's the one in control.

In fact, same guy should be firmly insisting on the part about "Are you *really*, to my face, calling me a liar?!!"

"I just don’t want her to cry over it you know. That kills me so bad when she cries about anything."

*sigh...* That's the part where you are supposed to know that there is not a single thing any guy can say or do on this Earth that deserves tears of sadness from a woman.

In a relationship, when you drop tears of sadness it's because of something about the partner that you had *not* been observant about, and hence did not see coming.

Here, you might want to consider whether those tears are not more of guilt-tripping you, or luring you into a false sense of 'power' whilst in fact you're being manipulated.

"These girls told her I was doing it because boys exercise because they are sexually frustrated"

"I told her that was total crap and does not even help with that in my opinion. I know it is wrong but I want to box the hell out of these girls for making her feel this way. What do I need to do to reassure her that I can wait as long as she wants to wait and not be mad about it?"

Good on you for telling her that. Still, did *you* hear those girls tell her that, or she's putting her own words in their mouths?

Allow me to reiterate: read up about narcissism, decide for yourself if it's in some way applicable in your case; act accordingly.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2022):

"So my GF asked me if I fantasized about blow jobs or hand jobs since we are not having sex for moral reasons on her religion which I respect. I admitted yes I fantasize about that stuff but then I saw she was like freaked out about it when I admitted that"

Red Flag! Red Flag!! Red Flag!!!

Do not fall for this, young man. You are *letting* yourself be guilt-tripped.

I'll spare you the boring 26-year-spanning personal experience of mine.

Do yourself a favour and read up on Covert Narcissism and make your own informed analysis and *decisions* about your situation.

I'm 43.

It's going on 3 months that I wish at 17 someone had told me this, or taught me about it in school.

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