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Is is it ok to ask a guy out while he's still dating someone else?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 July 2012) 39 Answers - (Newest, 6 July 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *itch-fire writes:

Hi there.

Okay, I've been texting this guy my friend is setting me up with, but the guy already has a girlfriend. I do really like him, and my question is is it ok to ask a guy out while he's still dating someone else. Their relationship is rocky according to my friend.

View related questions: has a girlfriend, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012):

After reading your question and responses the answer is simple OP, would like to have a boyfriend who goes on dates with other girls? Would like to be with a guy who is being set up by one of his friends with another girl? Would you like a boyfriend who turns to other women when you hit a bad patch in your relationship, something which happens in every relationship by the way? Would you like to have a boyfriend who chats with other girls on Facebook and builds relationships with them?

Well that's what this guy is doing, that is who he is and that's what he will do to you too. OP a smart person only ever judges a person their behaviour not what they say. So you want a guy who when things get tough is going to bail? You want a coward of a guy who doesn't have the balls to dump this other girl if she's hurt him or is just plain lying about it as justification to play away?

Is it wrong to get with a guy while he has a girlfriend, yes, in all circumstances but you've already crossed that line OP, you've gone on dates with this guy and are ready and willing to give yourself to him.

Well when he uses you and throws you away then you only have yourself to blame. As for your friend that's a very strange thing for them to set you up with such a risky guy. I'd really question what kind of friend would set you up with a guy who has already got a girlfriend and by the way OP, the "relationship is rocky" excuse is the oldest in the book and it never justifies anything. So I wish you luck, you're going to get a guy who thinks it's okay to look elsewhere when things between you get tough, behind your back and not even have the balls to fight for you and fix things. You also have a friend who makes bad choices and thinks it's okay to cheat or steal away another girls guy. Who's to say this friend won't do the same to you and set this guy up with another friend of yours.

You want to know the best way of figuring out what's the right or wrong thing to do in relationships OP? It's rather easy really, just think of how you'd like to be treated. Because quite frankly if his girlfriend is so bad then why is he with her? Is that really the kind of spineless dick you want to be with?

There's nothing wrong with you asking these questions of us, there is nothing wrong with the thoughts in your head but taking action on this will only to heartache for you. We guys tend not to think too highly of girls willing to cheat with us, how can we trust a girl who is okay with cheating and a date is cheating OP, testing the waters is cheating, you don't do that in relationships.

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A female reader, justmen United States +, writes (6 July 2012):

justmen agony auntWhat's up with all the hot-headed aunts that come down hard on original question posters for writing back to clarify their query? Come on folks! If you can't take the heat, stay off the site! She was just giving us more info to answer her by. Follow your heart. Ask him if you want to. Let him decide how or whether to accept the invite. You are only responsible for your own actions. Not his or his current/exiting gf. Thank you.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (6 July 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntif the man in question is with a girl he does not like, or who does not like him, then their time together is limited... trust me, men will choose the woman they love over a mate...

so if he breaks them up and the guy ends up with you, and you like the guy that fixed you up.. then they can spend guy time together...

I'd be very very careful about getting into the middle of a relationship issue where there are third parties giving you information....

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (6 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntIt's possible. I guess. But don't see how that would benefit him. I only chat to him on facebook these days.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (6 July 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntis it possible your mate does not like this girl and she takes him away from your mate so he's trying to break them up?

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (6 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntThis is his first girlfriend (and yes I do think it's worse what she did)

He didn't tell me this - like he would! I found out from my mate. What bloke do you know would tell a practical stranger that his girlfriend has done the dirty on him several times. Can't see that happening myself can you?

And yes I was looking for advise not a justification for actions- just didn't like your condesending, judgmental attitudes to someone who is a bit lost about relationships considering I've never had one.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (6 July 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree with EWO that the OP does not really want advice rather she wanted affirmation that her plan was moral and ethically acceptable.

I NOTE that my questions were IGNORED... not that I said she should or should NOT do it but I wanted her to see it from the current girlfriend's POV

so let me map this out for the OP

Yes it's perfectly FINE for YOU to ask a taken man out.

morally that's your call

ethically the fact that you know he's taken is also YOUR call.

I do not subscribe to the belief that folks who are single who entice taken people are evil. They are single and have the right to do who and what they want. So if you as a single woman want to go after a taken man, by all means do so.

Here's the rub.

Let's say this works... you ask him out... he's unhappy in his relationship and your attention is the spur he needs to move on from it... so now essentially you will be seen as the person who caused the end of the former relationship... even if you were just the catalyst not the actual cause... (much like my current partner was not the reason my marriage ended he just was a catalyst to what should have happened anyway)

the problem is I had no clue there were problems... my ex was unhappy and did not tell me...

so let's say he's unhappy with his current partner but has not told her... not your problem I know... and he's wrong for not telling her... BUT if that's the case let's say he does leave her for you after your innocent coffee date...

now he's single (because he knows he can have you)... you get together... you date...

a year from now, he's not quite as happy as he was when he left HER for YOU.... so he is in the same boat... and a friend of his says "meet this lovely woman"

he doesn't tell you and goes on an innocent coffee date with her to see if there is any potential... meanwhile you are at home thinking everything is hunky dory....

he likes the new girl... (remember your the old gf and he's telling the other girl how bad it is with you and how unhappy he is)... so now he's had this innocent coffee date and he comes home and tells you it's over..

you're blindsided....

but you shouldn't be... his track record is that he's not cutting an old gf loose till he has a new one lined up.

again... go for it... but think long and hard about if you will EVER trust a man you know would go out on on innocent coffee date with another woman without telling you just to see if there's something there.

best of luck to you OP....

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (6 July 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntOnce again we have a poster who isn't really looking for advice, but just wants reafirmation for what she intends to do anyway.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

I didn't want to imply you already had sex with him OP. It's just that when you start dating someone, one thing tends to lead to another. If you're willing to go on a date with a guy when he has a girlfriend it shows you're willing to cross that moral line. So you might cross the next too. I'm just warning you for the consequences. I don't know you, so I might as well post it and apologize when I turn out to be wrong.

Which brings me to the next point, the story on his girlfriend. I made a a stab in the dark because all I had to go on is what you wrote. He told you a story about his girlfriend, putting all the blame on her. Who says he's not spinning it for his benefit?

He loved her enough to start a relationship with her. In fact, they still haven't broken up. So why is that? If it's all so bad they should have broken up yesterday, yet they haven't. If he turns out to be okay with dating you while he still has her, is he even a guy you want to call your boyfriend one day?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

Other girls interfering is probably the reason she limits his friends to male. He could have a reputation for messing around with other girls behind his girlfriends back and she has found out on several occasions, you just don't know. She may not be the bad party in their relationship. I'd leave him and his girlfriend to it and find someone of your own unless he becomes single then by all means take a shot at him if you think he's worth it. All you're achieving by doing what you're doing is giving an impression of yourself to others as the girl who can't get a guy of her own, so she sticks her nose between the cracks of other peoples relationships looking for a way in, and that isn't good.

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntThank you BondGirl and anonymous x

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntLooks like a simple question has been blown clear out of proportion here. Once again, ok for you to ask him out, not ok for him to accept...unless he breaks up with the other girl. I like the person who said "you are not responsible for his relationship"...that is true. If he would happen to say "yes" you need to worry about him not being over the girl and any unfinished business they have. Unlike some other people, I don't believe talking on one date leads immediately to sex. I also believe you could go out to coffee with him once, decide he's a complete jerk, and move on. There are lots of things that could happen, just remember not to dive in head first and be realistic. It does not hurt to ask and if he says he is dating someone else you can politely say "I am sorry to hear that but best of luck to you".

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

person12345 agony auntI didn't mean you're sleeping with him right now, just where it was leading. There's no water to test, it's like jumping in the pool after you already had a thermometer in it. You know he has a girlfriend.

Why don't you tell your friend that you'd be happy to go out with this guy, as soon as he's single?

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

eyeswideopen agony aunthiccups

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIf you have a "coffee date" to test the waters and you like him then what?

will you date him while he's with this girlfriend he currently has?

Do you expect him to tell her he has a coffee date with you?

What will happen if you date him and he feels it's ok to go on a coffee date to test the waters with a new person while you are his gf?

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntJust tell him to call you when he's single and leave it at that.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntJust tell him to call you when he's single and leave it at that.

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntWho says I'm sleeping with him????? As much as you are all judging me I would never sleep with a man while he had a gf. Not like that! It was just a coffee date to test water.

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A male reader, Flashtony United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2012):

ok for you to ask him out... not ok for hm to accept unless he leaves her first.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

The problem with stuff like this is, if you have sex with him while he has a girlfriend, what makes you think he won't do the same to you one day with another girl, telling her what a horrible relationship poor him is in? If a guy is willing to cross that line, he's not relationship material. And I would say neither are you if you're okay with it, but the fact you came here to ask for advice hopefully means you realize this.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

person12345 agony auntWhich sounds worse to you:

A girlfriend who is rumored to be controlling, or a woman who knowingly has sex with other women's boyfriends?

If she really is as bad as she's rumored to be, then he will eventually leave her. Until then, he's off limits.

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A female reader, Battista United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2012):

I don't think the follow-up has any bearing on the issue.

If she is so bad then surely he will wise up, leave her and ask you out himself?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (5 July 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhy does what she does matter in terms of what you decide to do? Do her morals and ethics dictate yours?

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntOk more info.

The girlfriend in question is very dominating; made him delete facebook and limits friends to guys. She also sleeps around.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

I think it's OK for you to ask him out since it's his choice to accept or decline, but it would NOT be OK for him to accept it. Not unless he broke up with her first.

So why would you want to ask him out, if it's not OK for him to accept?

I've been asked out many times by other men, and I'm married and have a wedding ring on. I don't think those men are doing anything wrong by asking me out, after all I'm the one who's married so it's my responsibility not theirs to protect my own marriage by behaving appropriately.

you are not responsible for someone else's relationship. If a woman asked my husband out and he accepted and cheated on me, I would hold him accountable not her since he's the one who's married to me. If he would cheat on me like this, then he is the problem and she would just be the trigger.

similarly if you asked this guy out and as a result he broke up with his gf so he could go out with you, that's not your fault since a man who would so easily break up with his gf probably was on the verge of doing so anyway. You are not responsible for someone else's personal choices. They are.

I think in this society there is a lot of tendency to blame "the other woman" for 'breaking up relationships'

when actually no one can break your relationship by themselves without your or your partner's cooperation from the inside. there needs to be more personal responsibility rather pointing fingers for one's failed relationship at some external factor or third party.

therefore I don't think it's wrong of you to ask this guy out, but why would you do that, if it's wrong for him to accept?

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A female reader, jinxx Canada +, writes (5 July 2012):

jinxx agony auntNo, it's not okay. I think you already know that, though, and that's why you're here asking us.

It doesn't matter if they have the best or worst relationship in the world, he's still taken and what's going on here isn't right. If that doesn't really deter you, think about it like this. What if he dumped his gf for you, and you started dating? What if you two were having some problems, and you found out he was texting another girl behind your back? How would that make you feel?

If their relationship ends, feel free to move in then. For now, keep your distance. It's the right thing to do, and you'll feel better for having done it.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (5 July 2012):

Danielepew agony auntNo.

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (5 July 2012):

am, no it is not ok. for all you know she could be happy with him and him saying to whoever about their relationship being rocky might be a lie. find someone single, why would you even consider this

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 July 2012):

Honeypie agony aunt

I would ask that "mate" of yours why. But it doesn't hurt that you define your own set of morals and use your common sense.

Just because she thinks you two might hit it off doesn't make it right. I'm a little surprised that you can see that on your own.

Put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. How would you feel if you WERE the girlfriend?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012):

Just because their relationship is rocky, it doesn't mean there is a way in for you. Relationships have ups and downs but most people if they love each other and are committed enough, will work through the problems. I think its a selfish thing your friend is doing therefore I think she has motives of her own as to why she's trying to split them up. Imagine it was your relationship that was rocky and another girl was trying to come between it, you wouldn't like it. Don't be selfish and or foolish by pursuing this guy, besides, nowhere in your question have you mentioned that he even likes you.

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntIts a guy mate actually

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (4 July 2012):

person12345 agony auntShe has to have some other motive. Don't trust her and don't pursue this guy.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2012):

Yes, why is your 'mate' setting you up this way? Perhaps a question you should ask her. Because I wouldn't trust someone like that.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (4 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI would also add, why is your friend trying to set you up with this guy if he already has a girlfriend?

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A female reader, witch-fire United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2012):

witch-fire is verified as being by the original poster of the question

witch-fire agony auntWhy would my mate set me up with him then?

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (4 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntDon't rely on what your friend says. I would talk to the guy and tell him you would like to go out with him sometime, but that you knew he was seeing someone else and didn't want to get involved in the middle of something. If he's interested he'll get back with you. But, with that said, be prepared to be "the other woman". I don't know exactly what the situation is, but you could find yourself in the middle of something you really didn't want.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2012):

No, it's not. It makes you look like you don't respect the idea of relationships, it makes you look like you don't respect your fellow women.

Most of all, if he did leave her for you on a whim, chances are he'd do the same thing to you.

Bad idea. If the relationship isn't working, it'll end in due course and then you can try your luck with him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 July 2012):

Honeypie agony auntIt doesn't matter if his relationship is in the dumps, he is CURRENTLY seeing/dating someone else and he OUGHT to be off limits dating-wise.

In my honest opinion is it NOT OK to ask a guy/girl who is in a relationship out on a date. A DATE implies that you are interested in a relationship or to get to know him further but with the goal of seeing if you mesh. You can't (morally) do that with someone who is ALREADY seeing someone else.

It's like asking if it's OK to steal apples from the store because the fruit stand is a little chipped.....

Come on now... What does your common sense tell you?

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (4 July 2012):

Ciar agony auntUm...no it is not ok to ask a man, who already has a girlfriend, out. Whether their relationship is rocky or not is no one's business but their own. the fact that they're still together means they're trying to work it out.

Would you like it if some woman did that to you?

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