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In a long distance relationship and I just found out that my gf is pregnant by another man!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Long distance, Pregnancy, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 October 2022) 8 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2022)
A male Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hello

I'm in a long distance relationship (like across the country) and today I learned from a friend of my girlfriend that she is pregnant by another man. I confronted my girlfriend and she admitted that she screwed up a few months ago and while she was drunk she ended up sleeping with a male friend. She said she noticed that she was gaining weight but thought nothing of it until she went to her doctor and that was when she said she found out she was pregnant. She's begging me to forgive her and has been texting me sorry for hours. I still love her and she says she still loves me and didn't know how to tell me before I found out. Should I forgive her? I'm conflicted.

View related questions: drunk, long distance, text

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A male reader, Harlotsghost +, writes (10 November 2022):

Do not even think about it, just block her number and do not ever speak with again. Case closed - relationship over. She’s betrayed you and she will keep on doing it. She’s a dysfunctional narcissist and needs to be abandoned immediately and permanently.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2022):

You were penfriends, not partners. The people she met and dated and slept with were more like partners than you. Can you not see that, it is so glaringly obvious.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (9 October 2022):

Cheating is one thing. But this wasn't the only time. That's practically certain. It was just the time with the most consequences.

On top of that, she's having unprotected sex with other people. That to me is where you have to draw the line.

Obviously she's not cut out for a long distance relationship. If I was you the only way I would take her back is if she agreed to an open relationship and you only sleep with her using a condom in the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2022):

Forgive her and move on. The long-distance relationship was strictly for company and friendly correspondence. Meanwhile, she was dating and having true-to-life relationships. In all honesty, she had a right to. She needed someone present and available in her life; long-distance doesn't work for everyone. She should have been honest with you about that.

She hasn't done anything unforgiveable. Unfortunately, people say they forgive; but they never end their resentment, or regain their trust. If forgiveness isn't 100%, and you "can" move past this without resentment. Fine! I just don't think pursuing it any further would be a wise decision. That man she cheated with shares a kid with her, and he may be in her/your life for all duration.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2022):

Agree with the other aunts but I have a million dollar question:

Why on earth did you need to find out from a friend of hers and not from her?

Secondly, when was she planning on telling you? When you next visited and found a toddler running around?

You'd be a fool as the other aunts said but hey, people have put up with worse.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 October 2022):

Honeypie agony auntSo here is the million-dollar question.

Is cheating a DEAL-BREAKER or not?

And then ask yourself this:

Do you want to raise another man's child?

Do you want a partner who is unfaithful?

Do you want a partner who has unprotected sex with at LEAST one other man? Which can put YOUR health at risk for STI's too (if you see each other in person on occasion)

And lastly, ARE you that desperate for a partner? Do you have so little self-respect?

It's HARD enough to be a long-distance relationship, but when the foundation is THIS wobbly what do you really have?

Personally? This would be a total deal-breaker for me. Cheating is non-negotiable. It's a total no-no.

If I were in your shoes, I would wish her well and tell her it's over and you will be cutting all contact. And then I would do JUST that. I would block her on everything and MOVE on.

You already know this wasn't a one-time thing. She didn't just sleep with this "male friend" once. He probably skedaddled as soon as he found out she was pregnant, leaving HER and YOU to hold to the "problem" (to put it mildly.)

Lastly, I think you would be an idiot if you forgive her. For the simple fact that IF you do, she will do this again and again and you two are LDR - the trust is gone. Start over with someone who VALUES being faithful and respectful of the relationship and someone who doesn't live so far away.

There is NO actual excuse for cheating. Ever.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 October 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSo many posts where I have so many questions of my own.

What were your long term plans? Was there a date set when one of you would move so you could be together or was this just an indefinite arrangement? Can you ever trust this girl again, especially given you had to find out the news of her pregnancy from a friend? Can you raise another man's child without feeling resentful, given it will be a constant reminder of your girlfriend's infidelity?

Personally I would suspect she is so sorry because she does not want to end up raising her child alone. Doesn't sound like the biological father wants to be involved but he will be liable to pay for the child. He may even want to be involved in the raising of the child. The baby could even bring the two of them together.

Only you know whether there is sufficient substance to this relationship to make this work. My gut feeling would be to wish her and the baby well and to cut ties, but that is your decision, based on how potentially messy you want your life to be.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (9 October 2022):

kenny agony auntI am assuming here that she is going to keep the baby and go through with the pregnancy. I think there are going to be to many complications here.

For a start she was unfaithful, slept with someone else resulting in her becoming pregnant. Are you prepared to just forgive her, and trust her that she will never go behind your back again. Trust is one of the most important factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail. Taking into consideration this is long distance, and her falling into bed with someone else not giving you a second thought is rather worrying.

Also if she keeps this child is the baby father going to be a part of the childs life?. If he is you will have to accept the fact that he will always be on the scene.If he is not going to be a part of the childs life are you prepared to bring up another mans child?.

Are you going to keep this relationship long distance?. Is she going to move down to where you are, or you move to where she is?.

I think this could ultimately turn into a messy situation and a headache for you.

Personally if i was in a long distance relationship with someone and they told me they were pregnant with someone else i think i would run for the hills.

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