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I’m not sure if he is right for me with his way of life!

Tagged as: Dating, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 September 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 September 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have a 'friend' who i havent seen in over 1 year we wernt really close but did have 'fun' times a couple of year back. He has got back in contact and wants to see if there could be a chance of a relationship. The thing is ive changed with what i want in life ( kids, marriage, im not so sure of anymore ) ( which i told him ). i now prefer to have things my way and expect of people. What i mean by that i expect someone to have a job doesnt matter what kind , i dont want to be the one always having to pay to travel to them, i like modern things ( i dont mean the latest tech and things like that ) im going to sound strange but i have a thing about houses, i cope with the clinical look any colour or serious mis matched things makes me feel ill ive been like this since i can remember. Its easy to say its nothing major and can be changed daft to worry over but easier said than done , its a bit like ocd. I expect someone to be clean and make an effort such as not living in track suits and trainers ( unless they worked in a gym ) Basically this guy lives in a multicolour flat everything mis matched and lives in tracksuits , jeans and trainers and doesnt work, I know i cant tell someone what they can and cant do and how to live their life but if i asked this man to improve a couple of things he would get really defensive. Id want him to clean his flat up , it is a mess and sometimes smells. I rarely went his because i felt ill. How can i explain to him he needs to improve himself ( for his benefit ) without coming across as nasty ? ( im not telling him to decorate and get posh )

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2019):

You both are opposites, sometimes this can be complimentary for example, you could scrub him up a bit and he could teach you not to be so ocd. At the end of the day, we love because we simply love, while others may agree to form a relationship and mould together because they want to fit together so compromise is needed.

It sounds like you are just making do with no real love or chemistry between you almost a clinical approach like your favoured decor. He needs to get a job most definitely, not for you, but for himself. Colourful could make some girls very happy, clinical could make some men happy.

How about people just forgetting about IMAGE and enjoy been human and appreciate the colour of life, we will have no colour in this word soon enough when the world is all clinical and all that was NATURAL has gone.

Find truth in nature and rainbow colours and possibly seek help for your OCD.

If he stinks tell him to keep his filthy paws off your silky drawers, that what I tell mine .

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (22 September 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't see anything peculiar or unusual in expecting from a partner that he has a job and can support himself, and that he is clean and lives in a reasonally hygienic environment. I'd say that's absolutely the bare minimum level of expectations,- in fact, just these two things- jobless and dirty- would be a total dealbreaker for a wide majority of women.

As for the rest , these are your preferences, and only you know how flexible you can be and how flexible you SHOULD be about them. Like, I get you totally about wanting someone who dresses decently - … lol, I don't even KNOW OF, forget about know personally, any man who wears tracksuits out of the gym (… then again, this is Italy, here people care a lot about clothing ). But , if you had met a great person who is wonderful, only he wears tracksuits, I guess I'd tell you to adjust and to compromise, nobody is perfect, and it would be a pity to lose a great guy just because he is not blessed with a natural sense of style.

The problem is , this guy is a bum ! You can have him wear a tuxedo, but he still is a bum, and a nasty and smelly one, who lives in a nasty and smelly place ! Have his home redecorated by the professionals at AD,- and in a couple of weeks it will be again a nasty and smally place, only with a better colour scheme !

It is true that you cannot impose on another adult your lifestyle, if at his age he is happy living like a bum , so be it, that's his right, and don't assume that you ( or anybody else ) can just barge into his life and give him a life make - over if he did not request one. You can't improve adults " for their benefit ". They have to desire this benefit by themselves !

OTH, I don't quite see why you'd want to get involved with a man whom you, basically, don't even like. You are an adult too, you know your tastes and preferences, your standard and expectations. And he does not conform to them. Some of your demnda are very reasonable, almost universal , I'd say- some , like a nice house with a minimalist look, are a bit more personal, other people maybe would care less than you, but since you DO care, and it does matter to you- why would you even begin a relationship with a man , whom you know won't give you what you want ?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (22 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhy would you even consider having a relationship with someone whose values and way of life would jar with you so much? There is NOTHING in your post - and I do mean NOTHING - which would lead me to think this could be a good match. You are just two random people who "had fun" a while back and who are now at a loose end and thinking "maybe something is better than nothing".

My advice: DON'T DO IT!

Are you desperate for a relationship? You don't SOUND desperate. You sound like you know what you want - and what you don't want. None of what you want sounds unreasonable yet none of these needs are met by this guy. You want someone with a job, any job. Nope, not this guy. You want someone who has a clean home. Nope, not this guy. You want someone who makes an effort with their appearance. Nope, not this guy. Need I carry on?

I am not saying EITHER of you is right or wrong in how you live your life. Everyone lives their lives as they choose and, as long as they don't hurt anyone else, then they should be free to do so. Not everyone is bothered about matching cushions, etc, particularly guys living on their own. However, if his way of life would cause you discomfort or dismay in any way, which every aspect of it sounds like it would, then why would you even consider going there?

If you are looking to date, look elsewhere. Find someone who lives up to your perfectly reasonable expectations - apart from the matching cushions, maybe, as that could be quite difficult to find. If this is something which would be a deal breaker for you, then perhaps you need to get professional help in overcoming it so it doesn't affect your life so much?

Let this guy go. You can do better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2019):

Typo correction:

"Not to meet someone's standards, or to qualify for someone's affections!!!"


He's not your type!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2019):

Seems he's the opposite of everything you're looking for.

You indicated in your post that you like things just so. You don't like slobs who run around all day in trainers or tracksuits. You prefer men who are well-groomed, tidy, and gainfully-employed. That's quite sensible, indeed!

If you have to completely change someone to meet your criteria, standards, and/or expectations; they aren't your match.

You don't go into relationships with a person with the intent to change them.

Exactly whom do you think you are, to presume he should change his lifestyle and property to suit your taste?

Did he come to you specifically requesting a makeover? Are you a professional life-coach or lifestyle guru? You really don't have the right to criticise his lifestyle; when you have the choice to continue seeking a man who already meets all your dating-criteria and other qualifications.

On that same note, he would have no right to change you in any way. We all have to make some minor-adjustments when we enter relationships; but they are a matter of compromise, and of our own free-will. Not to meet someone's standards, or to qualify for someone affections!!!

Maybe romance isn't what you should pursue with this man. If you can become friends, maybe that might be more suitable. You would in-fact offend him to tell him you don't approve of his life or his home. He was doing just fine without you otherwise.

If he doesn't measure-up, leave him as you found him. Keep searching for your type. Well-established, factory-equipped, fully-loaded, and ready-to-go! No maintenance or upgrade required!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI think you need to realize that JUST like you, he like HIS own way of life and living. You just don't like the same things when it comes to design, expectation, clothing choices and level of hygiene.

You starting of with a "honey-do list" of things he NEEDS to improve on for you to date him, is not going to work. He will resent it and won't keep up with it, with in turn YOU will resent.

He doesn't work, so what's the problem with track suits?

I get the cleanliness of his place, but again YOU are NOT his mother, he is a GROWN ASS man who should know that no one wants to live (or overnight) in a garbage tip. You shouldn't HAVE to tell a person that their place is gross and needs more cleaning. I means SHOOT the guy isn't working so his place should be freaking spotless!

And the whole I want to tell him for HIS benefit.. Come on, lady... we aren't complete morons on DC. You want to date someone who ACTUALLY gives a flying fart about his appearance, his home and his life. NOT just for his benefit but for yours as well. NO ONE wants to date a bum.

You SAY you have a set of standards... SO stick to them! He doesn't FIT ANY of them "requirements" you have. (which my the way are mostly reasonable)

WHY date a guy without a job? OF course you will END up footing bills for most things. THAT is a given.

WHY date a guy who lives in a pigsty?

As for the design and color schemes... well, that is an "odd" one as we all have different personal tastes but for you to consider dating someone who is the TOTAL opposite of you and your PREFERENCE - it's silly.

STOP trying to fit the square peg (him) into a round hole by making him jump through a series of hoops that he will undoubtedly resent and not really commit to.

So what if you had a bit of fun a year ago? Are you desperate for company, and thus willing to settle for this hobo?

Sorry, I think you need to rethink all this.

You probably know that you can't go and just change someone to SUIT you. That isn't realistic.

If a guy in his 30-40's is a dirty person with a nasty home - telling him (no matter how gentle or polite) is NOT going to make him change into a hygienic and tidy person. It's UNREALISTIC.

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