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Does he really expect that I will do the first move to contact him? Shall I just move on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 September 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 September 2019)
A female Philippines age 30-35, *race77 writes:

Hi. Here I am again, hope u all can enlighten me. So, here I already broke up with my online bf 2 days ago and its really killing me. I am desperate to contact him again and ask him to be with me. He's my online bf that is so controlling, not so affectionate, but I know he has a heart to give. Maybe he's just guarded or have trust issues. We had a petty fight, he yelled at me so I hung up the phone and he didn't bother to call me back or even message me. So then I called and broke up with him, we both agreed. But he told me if I want to talk to him, I can call anytime coz he will always remember me no matter what happens to me and him. Question, why would he say that to me? Does he really expect that I will do the first move to contact him? Shall I just move on?

View related questions: broke up, move on

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (23 September 2019):

N91 agony auntHow can you have a relationship online?

You can be anybody you want online, you don’t know a person that you aren’t building a physical rapport with. Why would you waste your time chatting to someone online when you could be meeting someone in person? Not to mention somebody that is controlling you and acting like a dick with you when you’ve never even met them, why would you entertain this guy?

Block and move on, you’re not children so why act like it?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (22 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI read your post twice because it made no sense the first time (not the language, just the content). I mean, what the hell is an "on line" relationship? A relationship is about contact. It is about sharing your life. This cannot be done on line. Sure, couples have long distance relationships sometimes when circumstances dictate, but this sounds like you two have never even met. There is NO relationship.

Then the penny dropped. Is this the sort of relationship where he is in another country and sends you money or promises to send you money? Were you hoping to eventually meet and marry so you would have access to money to send back to your family or to just prolong this relationship for as long as it was profitable? If I have got it wrong, then apologies but this is the only way it makes much sense.

You say he is controlling and doesn't show affection, then interpret this as him being guarded and having trust issues, like that makes him some sort of prize. Why would you even bother with someone like that if there was not money involved? Or unless you both have severe social anxiety and can't form normal relationships? If the latter, your priority should be to seek medical help, not to get back with someone who feeds that anxiety. You are a young woman. You should be out there, living life to the full, not in some half-existence by pretending to have a "relationship" with someone you have only ever spoken with.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2019):

Are you asking for advice or just want someone to talk to? We're happy to keep you company and chit chat; but I think you may need help through another source.

If he's only an "online-boyfriend;" it's all make-believe, and strictly for the drama. You can't breakup with someone you don't really have an actual relationship with. I think he's got you pegged for a very lonely and desperate lady. He baits you by telling you call anytime and then feeds you lines like: "he will always remember me no matter what happens to me and him." He yells at you over the phone, and plays on your anxiety and emotional insecurities.

I'll tell you what he means. He means he doesn't think you're very smart or may have mental-health issues. You don't really mean it when you pretend to breakup. He's taking advantage of your desperation, and he'll play your online relationship-fantasy and soap opera as long as you're up for it.

I think maybe you should seek some professional-therapy and counseling; if you actually believe you can carry-on a real-life relationship strictly online. If you have never met in-person, or have never spent real-time together, then what is he getting out of it? Money?

Are you paying his bills? Is he in another country?

Guys don't stick around for relationships that don't offer them some kind of physical-gratification! They don't participate in make-believe romances online; unless they are scam-artists taking advantage of vulnerable and/or foolish-women who send them money.

There's really nothing we can do for you. You need to speak to someone licensed and qualified to give you professional mental-health therapy.

We're happy to comfort you and offer some opinions and advice; but I fear there are some deeper-issues here that require more serious attention.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2019):

unfortunately it doesn't matter if he has trust issues or is guarded because you can't change those things. ultimately he is still controlling and he agreed that you should break up. I think you should move on. Just give yourself time to get over it first.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2019):

Aye *shakes head*

I keep seeing posts like this from people in their thirties and all I wonder is how on earth has society become this?!

Are you seriously satisfied with an online relationship? What are you getting from it exactly?

Another serious question - what on earth do you find to fight about with an online boyfriend?

I digress

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