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I( want a baby but my boyfriend wants to wait

Tagged as: Health, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *ulabyluck writes:

hey,im 17 iv been with my boyfriend for a year now and we live together and everything, its going great ...but for years iv wanted a baby..but dont no if i should try for one ..i want to but he wants to wait a while..he doesnt understand everything will be fine..he wants one to but i think hes just scared.. and if we did try ill be 18 by the time i have it...i wanted to come off my pill because i read that it can harm your baby if you get pregant on it..and am not to good with remembering the pill so there a possibility of me getting pregant on it..what should i do????

View related questions: the pill, want a baby

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011):

Hey. I'm 20 and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now. I am also desperate to have a baby with him, and he's suggesting we wait. I am usually a patient person, but it's breaking my heart thinking of waiting and I'm pretty sure you're feeling the same way too. I spoke to my Mum about it and she told me to go for it, which was totally un-expected. It'll either make or break the realtionship with your boyfriend, so you have that risk... Doing it without his permission is wrong though I agree. But I'd personally say persuade him, not so harshly that he realises. Haha! Make sure you are certain, and if you're like me then you don't care for drinking and going out on thw town... So it's not gonna cause any problems with the having some fun first issue. Keep trying, that's what my plan is! :)

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A female reader, KANDIWRPR United States +, writes (1 December 2009):

KANDIWRPR agony aunti really suggest you wait on that. its only been 1 yeaer together. you would think that its a long time but

there will be more trouble and the relationship opens up

if you and him was to have a baby how would you

support the baby?

also you are still young..about my age..

my friends who had their babies at 17 regret it

they gained over 60 pounds and cant loose it

cant go out with friends

and its hard on them because they dont work

they rely on the mother/grandmother to support the baby

trust me when you get older

you will look bak and tell youself

"wow im so glad i didnt have a baby at such a young age"


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009):

It absolutely disgusts me that so many women seem to think purposely getting pregnant against their man's will is a viable option. This should be considered a serious crime.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009):

Having a baby is not about what the child can do for you, it's all about what you can do for the child. So..what can you do for a child? Can you provide it with a good home? Can you buy it nutritious food and new clothing, diapers, oinments, lotions and all sorts of things for it's 'special' needs? Can you promise this child a family, mother AND father? Do you have transportation to drive it to all it's doctor's appointments, and later, after school activities. I seriously doubt it, your boyfriend is right. Get your life in order before you mess up someone else's.

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A male reader, Trans Am Man United States +, writes (1 December 2009):

Trans Am Man agony auntI understand why he wants to wait, you're 17 for christ sake. You're not supposed to be having kids yet. Most men don't wanna start having kids until their mid to late 20's.

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (1 December 2009):

I'm sure your boyfriend wants a day. Look, I'm sure your boyfriend wants to have things in order before conceiving a child. A home that he owns, his career, and probably marriage. You have PLENTY of time to have a child, if the time is not right at the moment, then it's not. Don't be so hasty and have a child now when he's also not ready. Be patient and live your life while you still can.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

celtic_tiger agony auntyou should listen to your boyfriend. He is the one being sensible in all this.

You are wrong when you say "everything will be fine". You do not know this, and you have to reason for every eventuality. You are young, therefore at risk of a premature birth, with an underweight baby. This can lead to all sorts of health complications. Could you cope with a disabled or sick child? I am sure you have friends who have had kids at stupidly young ages and they are ok - they have been lucky. Many women suffer terrible complications. Just remember that.

So, financially can you afford a baby? Do you want to go to University? Do you want a career? OR do you expect the state to finance you, so that all us hard working, tax paying people have to fund your desire to be a teenage mother (often taking it away from our own kids), so you dont have to get a job, and get handed money for doing nothing? - Just because you want a child NOW.

Do you want to go out? (because once a baby arrives, you will not be able to afford to go out). Your friends will be out doing normal social things, and you will be stuck at home with a baby. They will not want to hang about with you.

What about transport? Can you drive? Can he? Do you have a car?

You have only been with this boy for a year. In a proper adult relationship, that is nothing. A baby takes 9 months to grow in your womb..... almost equivilant to the time you have been together. Just because you are together for a year, doesnt mean it will last two, or more. A lot can happen in a year, and many relationships fail in that time period. If he is unsure now, and wanting to wait, if you push this then he may not be around when your baby is born. Be prepared to be a single mum.

You are so very very young to be giving up your life before you are even an ADULT! Legally you are still a child yourself. A child is a long term commitment. Its not like a pet, or a doll. You cant give it back. The next 18 years of your life will be committed to looking after its EVERY need above your own. All your money, time and energy will go to it, not you.

I would urge you to reconsider this. Wait until you are an ADULT,and you can do all the things that an adult can do.

There are so many young girls out there who feel like you do, but it is NOT the answer to your problems. A baby will not fill the void in your life. You are the only person who can do that. Grow up and face the world as an adult first.

Have a look at these.

Two recent questions on the same topic.

Read them all. They may help you to see sense.

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A female reader, hijacked_dignity United States +, writes (30 November 2009):

hijacked_dignity agony auntHaving a baby is a huge decision. I don't think that you are weighing in on all the consequences of having a child at such a young age. I mean do the two of you have jobs that can support a baby? If you have a baby, you'll need time off, so only he will be able to work. Is that going to be enough to support the entire family?

What about medical insurance? What about any type of insurance? This baby is going to be with you for the rest of your life, and you are going to have to be an adult pretty fast. Life isn't about you anymore when you have a baby, but about the child. At seventeen, I don't think that either of you have the financial resources to support another being. Part of having a kid is knowing when you can afford one and take care of it. If your boyfriend wants to wait, then you're going to have to wait. Stay on your pill, because it's rare that the pill actually hurts any children you might want in the future. If you do consider going off the pill, then you NEED to talk to your boyfriend about things.

Seriously though, I think that he's taking the responsible route with waiting. You two need to figure out what is going on with your own lives before creating another. Best of luck to you.

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A female reader, lou_xx  +, writes (30 November 2009):

babies are a very scary prospect for guys.. trust me. You seem sure that you want this baby now, but are you sure that finances etc are all stable? I'm not critisising or anything, my sister had her baby at 18 as well but she did wish she had maybe waited a further year or two.

With that aside, you're boyfriend is still young! It is natural for a guy of his age to feel this way so dont be upset if he doesnt agree 100% right away. If he loves you and wants to start a family with you then i'm sure he will finally realise this and come to his senses. :)

when you say "everything will be fine" maybe he doesnt see that because he is scared of what will happen. This adds on to the subject of him still being young and wanting to live his life a little before he makes such a huuuge commitment. I think that there is a time for having children and that is when both mother and father feel ready to settle down.So be patient with him, if it is meant to be then it is meant to be!

good luck!!

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A female reader, angel hands Ireland +, writes (30 November 2009):

Hi there, go with your first instinct!! go with what your heart tells you!! when the time is right for both of you to make this big decision in life, it will all work out and if you keep thinking and worrying it will make things 10 times worse than they really are!! Have this baby because you both want to, when you bring a child into this world there are so much responsibilities that come with it, If you are both mature and able chat to each other about this, then you can both make a decision on this if this is both what you really want,

best wishes

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