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I suspect my girlfriend is seeing other guys again but don't know how to approach her

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 November 2021) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2021)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi

Something is bothering me about my girlfriend recently. we have been together since December 2020 but live in different cities as we are students. We haven't been able to see each other as often as we would like due to covid-19, as despite living in the same country, we are in areas with different rules (england and northern ireland).

during the first 6 months of our relationship, i found out she had been meeting other guys when she had told me she was seeing girl friends. she insists they didn't lead to anything and said she just felt lonely. she went on dates, held their hand, hugged etc but she claims nothing else happened. I was never convinced but decided to give her a chance and since then things were much better and seemed to be going in the right direction. Until recently.

Fairly out of the blue, her behaviour has changed. I will give you both sides of the issue as i am really not sure what is going on and i dont want to make any rash decisions if i am wrong.

her view is this:

She is trying to find a job, she has recently moved house and has lots of stuff to do and also works as a waitress between 4pm and 2am, so gets home very late. she is tired, stressed and has no time to call me or talk to me much these days.

My view is this

its true she is trying to find a job, has moved house, and works late. but... the place she works claims they close at 11pm on their website, social media, basically everywhere, and she always used to finish at 11 and we would call after work. now she says its 2am. her messages are very short, just like "good night" with no emotion. she barely messages me anymore, we haven't called in a week. everything was going fine until a few days ago she out of the blue just attacked me saying i didnt ever try anything and just said i wanted to be with her but didnt do it. which is unfair as i have visited her many times and she has never come to see me, and plans to move to england soon which keeps getting delayed so i hadn't gone in the last months due to that. she could be stressed, but my instincts are telling me she is once again seeing another guy.

i want to raise the issue but if i am wrong, then i look like the bad guy.

what should i do?

My approach at the moment is to give her space, i've been messaging her less and said i know she doesnt want to chat much so she can message me when she wants and i hope she is fine etc. I have said nothing of my suspicions or worries but honestly i have felt terrible every day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2021):

My girlfriend, now wife for 40 years, is the sweetest peach in the basket. Apparently other guys thought the same. For 3 years were 80 miles part and only got together weekends 2x a month. I had a good idea she was cheating. I was no saint either. Years later we did we fessed up. She said it wasn't really cheating, we weren't married. She said 1 was a trusted FWB, 1 older guy showered her with gifts,and one was her plan B if I didn't waltz her down the aisle soon -- and you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube in your 20s.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (4 November 2021):

Long distance relationships have their ups and downs. Her lack of communication doesn't mean she's cheating. I've been in that position; long distance gets old.

The closing time discrepancy is more concerning. Here in the US some places stay open that late but it's rare unless they're fast food.

If you can prove she's lying about that (call and ask what time they close) then you should end the relationship.

I'm her defense she's probably just lonely. But she's continue to be lonely until you guys live closer.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2021):

Long-distance is the enemy here. She isn't trustworthy or committed enough to conduct a long-distance relationship; and it doesn't seem you're getting any fulfillment out of it anyway. You're holding-on, when it seems all indications suggest you both should go your separate ways.

This isn't really as much about her trustworthiness; than it is about a relationship that is doomed to fail. Mostly because neither of you can find the time, or the means, to close the distance.

She's dating other guys. You and I both know she ain't just holding hands!

Hang-on, and torture yourself; or let-go and move on! Fortunately, it hasn't lasted long enough for you to become too deeply attached. You haven't spent enough time together for this to really cause that much separation-anxiety. I think you're holding-on due to male-pride and ego; and can't stand the thought that you'd have to give her up to other guys. I think she just likes the thought of a guy out there pining for time with her; and lamenting over the distance between you and the object of your affection. It's romantic, but not to smart!

Well, hang-on as long as you can stand it. She has the upper-hand here. You may as well cut all ties; and date ladies you can visit more frequently, and avoid all the typical LDR drama.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 November 2021):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntCome on, you KNOW she is lying to you. What place serves food till 2am? Or even 1am, allowing an hour to clean up? 24/7 drive-throughs like McDonalds maybe, but nowhere else.

You have quite obviously (and understandably) lost trust in her, hence checking what time her place of work shuts. Is this how you want to waste your life, checking up on her? What sort of a life will you have, worrying what she is doing and with whom?

Whether she is cheating or not THIS time is irrelevant really. What is important is that she had broken your trust and you will never trust her again. Let's be honest, she is not exactly working at rebuilding your trust, is she?

Stop wasting your time and your life. Find yourself a girl who wants to be with you and who doesn't betray you. THAT will make for a happy future, not staying with someone who pushes you away, disregards your feelings and cheats on you. You deserve so much better.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (3 November 2021):

kenny agony auntTrust is one of the most important contributing factors in a relationship, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.

She has already broken your trust and lied to you early on in your relationship, so its only natural that your guard is going to be up. I think that once someone has been lied to sometime's the guard is always up, always suspicious of there actions and what they are doing and these feelings are unhealthy.

I think when she cheated in the beginning you should have walked away, if you had you would have saved yourself the heart ache you are currently feeling.

If sound like it has already gone sour and she has gone cold. Its possible she could be up to her old tricks again.

Do yourself a favour and walk away from this relationship. Walk away and leave all the unhealthy worries behind you. Yu will never trust her again and your going to make yourself ill if you stay with her.

Leave her and get your life back on track, then find someone you can trust, you deserve better.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 November 2021):

Honeypie agony auntHere is my main question, OP

WHAT are you getting out of this relationship? It seems like you are getting nothing. She is your GF in "title" but does nothing to participate in the relationship and she has asked YOU to not contact HER so much either.

Break up. Find someone you can see more often.

You have dated for 2 years and she has already cheated on you and probably is cheating again. Because "out of sight out of mind" seems to be her attitude. She WANTS a BF but doesn't want to invest the time, effort, or energy in having a relationship with you.

Giving a partner space is warranted occasionally, for some couples but this seems like she wants space so she can do whatever she wants and you stop "bugging" her.

OP, I think your relationship is over. Seems like she is walking all over you.

And I think, YOU deserve better.

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