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How do I tell my online love, that the girl in the photos aren't me?? What should I do?

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Question - (25 October 2006) 17 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2006)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

I've done something kind of stupid which has all blown up in my face. I registered with an online forum just for fun and to kill some time really. I put photos up of a random, gorgeous girl and said it was me. I just thought it was harmless fun at the time. Obviously i didn't know i was going to meet the man of my dreams!

We're falling head over heels in love and i am so happy. I've had abusive relationships in the past but this guy really loves me and says he never wants us to end. How can I tell him that I've lied to him and the girl in the photos isn't me? I can't. I'm hurting him and he's in love with someone who doesn't exist. He said that if i ever left him his heart would break but i can't keep doing this. i'll be heartbroken if i have to finish with him but i don't see any other way round it. I can't just avoid the "come and visit me, send me another photo of you baby" comments for the rest of our lives! urgh. what a mess. help!!

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A male reader, rugby02 +, writes (29 October 2006):

rugby02 agony auntYour best bet is just be honest from now on you have never met, so whats to say they have not done the same thing, and also be carfull for falling for people on line anyone can type what you want to hear but have no intention of actually doing it. just be carefull

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A male reader, David Lewis United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2006):

David Lewis agony auntAww, he sounds lovely. I really hope things work out for you. Glad we were of help.

Best of luck to you both x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

oh, and then i sent him a photo of me and he said "you're crazy to have sent one of that girl. You're 10 times more beautiful than her." ahhhh. hehe.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ok i told him. was without a doubt the hardest thing i have ever had to do and my heart was pounding so hard. His response? "I'm glad you told me baby. You said you're in love with me and i'm crazy about you so do you still want to carry on? I love you. xxx"

i have lost so much sleep over this and stressed til i made myself feel sick and that was all he said about it! hehe. thanks for all of your help and advice everyone. you're all legends! xxxx

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A female reader, Toria +, writes (26 October 2006):

Toria agony auntYou have to just tell him, preferably on the phone rather than over the internet.

The longer you leave a problem the more of a problem it becomes, he says he loves you well if he really does he should be loving you for who you are not for what you look like in that picture so telling him it isn't you shouldn't cause him to stop loving you although I would think he will be hurt by you not telling him up to now just explain to him what you have explained here that you was just having a laugh at first with signing up and didn't think someone would come along like he has and just got harder and harder to tell him.

Really you should have told him once you knew things with him were different but I'm sure you already know that.

Good luck :o)

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A male reader, David Lewis United Kingdom +, writes (26 October 2006):

David Lewis agony auntThis will only get harder the longer you leave it. If this man likes you as much as you say, the only real problem could be the lies. This is why it is important to come clean as soon as possible. Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty.

Best of luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

urgh. tried to tell him and couldn't do it. got as far as "so you really do love me? even though we haven't met?" and he said "your scaring me. Are you really who you say you are?" and i panicked and said "of course". i don't want to hurt him. Part of it is the sheer embarrassment of him telling his friends, family and colleagues that that girl who he's been telling everyone about and who he's falling in love with is a liar and a loser but most of it is because i genuinely do not want to hurt or upset this amazing man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your replies. What a relief to know i'm not the only one who's done it! I can't believe my own luck that i would meet someone like him after doing this. I think i'll try to tell him, I've only been "with" him for a couple of weeks but something really clicked between us. He's told all his friends about me and shown them all photos of "me" so he'll obviously be really embarrassed and feel like I played him but I care about him and don't want to hurt him or lie to him.

But thanks for replying and taking the time to help me out, I really appreciate it. And thanks to the person who sent me an IM saying "your gonna think i'm joking but maybe if you could stall him for a few months you could have plastic surgery to make you look like the girl in the photos" hehe. that made my day. xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your replies. What a relief to know i'm not the only one who's done it! I can't believe my own luck that i would meet someone like him after doing this. I think i'll try to tell him, I've only been "with" him for a couple of weeks but something really clicked between us. He's told all his friends about me and shown them all photos of "me" so he'll obviously be really embarrassed and feel like I played him but I care about him and don't want to hurt him or lie to him.

But thanks for replying and taking the time to help me out, I really appreciate it. And thanks to the person who sent me an IM saying "your gonna think i'm joking but maybe if you could stall him for a few months you could have plastic surgery to make you look like the girl in the photos" hehe. that made my day. xx

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (25 October 2006):

DrPsych agony auntI don't think the photo should be the main concern here really. You say you are madly in love with this man but you obviously haven't met him yet, and he hasn't met you. Both of you may think you have feelings for each other but until you develop an offline relationship based on everyday life, you will never know...just as you have deceived him about something, he may have been deceiving you too. Since you have experience of an abusive relationship in the past, just tread carefully with this guy. As for your photo problem - well you have to tell him and the sooner the better. Just be honest and maybe send him a picture of the real you...chances are that he doesn't look like his online picture either! He may run for the hills as he may think if you lied about that, what else are you not telling him...but he may just accept your explanation. Good luck and be careful!

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A female reader, DEBS83 United Kingdom +, writes (25 October 2006):

DEBS83 agony auntyou need to be honest with him tell him that your sorry about the photo not been you tell him your crazy about him even though you have never met iam sure he will be ok with this at least u are bn honest

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006):

he loves ur personality which counts for sumthing too..if i was u i wud say..lisen i hav sumit really important to say to u..(explain ur situation) and say the reason was bcuz u didnt want to send out real photos of urself untill u knew u was in a safe situation with a real normal person and that there are sum freaks out there...say im sorry..and hopefully u will be kool with me bcuz i really like u and would want to meet u one day..good luk.. freind x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006):

ok lets see if we can help,

if he only loves you for your picture then hes a shallow man and hes not worth your time.

Even though he has seen the pictures he doesnt really know you, so the only thing he has to go on is your contact via email. he seems to have fallen for the girl who types the emails, and If he really does love you then you can tell him anything. So I would definitely suggest that you tell him the truth and if hes not intrested in you then at least you know that he was just infatuated by your picture.

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A male reader, David Lewis United Kingdom +, writes (25 October 2006):

David Lewis agony auntYou need to tell him the truth as soon as you can, maybe even send him this link so he can see how you feel. If he has fallen for YOU, then it should not make that much difference. Many people do what you have done.

Just tell him calmly that you have a confession. Relationships need honesty if they are ever going to work. He seems like a nice enough guy, so if he finishes things over looks, then he was not worth it in the first place.

Best of luck

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A female reader, andrea23 +, writes (25 October 2006):

andrea23 agony aunti take it you've got low self esteem due to your previous relationships, the reason im saying that is because i was in an abusive relationship & i've low self esteem from it & i know for a fact i would do the same thing you done put a picture of a gorgeous girl on the screen. all you can do is be honest with this guy & just tell him that it isn't you in the photo & at the end of the day he has falling in love with you for the person you are beauty only goes skin deep it's what's inside that matters & you must be a really nice girl for him to fall in love with you. just tell him that it isn't you in the photo & send him a real photo of yourself. i wish you all the luck in the world & i hope you & this guy are really happy together. good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006):

first off, i can understand why you would have put up some random pictures... because it's fun! and you never thought you were actually going to meet someone on there right?

I've done the same thing before, me and my friends made up this "dream girl", and every once in awhile i would pretend i was her, then i met this guy. He was good looking, had a great personality, and we had alot in common. Only problem was he thought i was someone i wasn't.

How are you supposed to tell someone those pictures arn't of you? it's best just to go outright and tell him. Tell him you were playing around when you made the account and never expected to meet anyone, but you did, and you really like him, so you don't want to lie to him. Send him a picture of the real you. I can't garuntee he won't ditch you, and i know that sounds aweful, but it's the inevitable truth. If your online :relationship: hasn't been going on for too long, then he will probably be more accepting. The sooner the better.

Best of luck to ya Hun xoxo

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006):

Firstly, calm down. I completely understand what you are going through, as I have done exactly the same thing.

I wouldn't tell him by IM, I would send him a email, write everything down, and explain that you hadn't meant for this to go this far. If his feelings for you are as you described, then what you look like is not important he should love you for your personality, and for just being you.

If he gets mad and never speaks to you, then unfortunately it sounds like he is a shallow waste of space. Tell him now, as it will only get harder.

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