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How can I stop my mum being so controlling and stopping me from living with my brother ?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 September 2006) 3 Answers - (Newest, 27 September 2006)
A female , *reppygurl writes:

Hi everyone, i have a serious and important question that i need advise. Im 20 and i been together with my bf for 3mo but been best friends since 8th grade. Recently back in june my mom and me got into a huge fight and she kicked me out but i was willing to. I moved in with my bestfriend emily. I lived with her for 2mo. My mom wanted me to come back home to work things out and so i moved back. I been livin with my parents for 2mo now. Well my mom and me were never and still cant get along. Iv gotten sick and tired of fightin with her all the time. Well my bf just bought an apartment and him and i haue talked about me movin with him. I made up my mind and im goin to. The only problem is my mom is uery very very controling and i know shes goin 2 try to stop me. How do i tell her im leavin and what should i do if she trys to stop me? I dont want to leave with fighting. But with a clean slate. My bf told me 2 invole the police if it comes to her stoppin me or hittin. Plz help!

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A male reader, fallenman United Kingdom +, writes (27 September 2006):

fallenman agony auntTo give any advice you need to explain more about what you and your mum fight over.

Your within your rights to move out and live with who you choose. The police may able to help, but a court injunction against your mum contacting you may be the final solution.

I would also advise you to think about where you would live if you fall out with your b/f.

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A female reader, Donnah +, writes (27 September 2006):

Donnah agony auntLegally you're of age to be on your own. Curious what you and your Mother argue about as you mentioned it is "all the time". Well, there may be some underlying issues that perhaps your Mom has.

Everyone has a "trigger". She must have many triggers. Perhaps her controlling comes from wanting you to not make the same mistakes she made. Who knows. But you are not at peace there.

It takes a toll on someone and drains you to argue continuously. Now, your boyfriend is a friend as well, you have that foundation of friendship. That is good. Three months though is so short to be moving in with each other. You've already decided to do it but if I could persuade you to get your own place or work on getting to that position. I really would like for you to know that you can do it on your own. Without Mom or Emily or even BF. But if you're not in that position, try to get there. Being dependent and independent are two different things.

How can you deal with Mom. She will put up a battle if she's controlling. Some parents face the fears of an empty nest. They'll have to deal with their mate which sometimes they tend to drift away from if the kids have been the focus of their life. I would personal start "smuggling" things out. Nothing major. Calm down with the arguing and set up the opportunity to discuss this with Mom on a civil level.

You mentioned violence. Not good. Be prepared to call the police because it is against the law. Family violence is not tolerated and it is a form of abuse.

Tell Mom you're 20 years old and would like to explore your independence. She legally cannot stop you. BF is not a great choice of location just yet. She may tell you not to go there. But there is a foundation between you and BF. If worse comes to worst, agree to be roommates if things don't work out and then write out a financial plan so you could put in your share "rent".

I don't know where you're Mom is at mentally. If she is violent, she may need counseling. That will explain controlling behaviour.

Send me a follow up. And I'll ponder on this more.

Take care,

Donnah

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A female reader, Toria +, writes (27 September 2006):

Toria agony auntYour 20 therefore you have a right to move out if that is what you want to do, I would try talking to your mum and explain to her that you don't like your relationship with her being strained and hoping that from moving out you and her can gain a good relationship and possibly a friendship from this.

If she still isn't budging and moving out is something you really want to do then you do it and hope that she will come round to the idea eventually once she misses having contact with you on a regular basis.

Good luck :o)

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