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Her past bothers me, though I do like our sex life!

Tagged as: Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 March 2017) 11 Answers - (Newest, 4 April 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey guys,

I've been dating a girl for a few months and it's going really great, but her past has come up more than a few times (mainly by me) her lifestyle bothers me a bit she's 22 and loves to club. Has had 12 sexual partners her last dude was a f'buddy for like 9 months when she tried to pursue something serious he ditched her. She once had an orgy with her friend whilst traveling Asia but apparently, her friend went with 3 guys she stuck with the 1 guy(so she tells me). She went to M(Sh)agaluf and hooked up out there with someone. She's going on another 'girls' holiday this July(booked before dating me).

This is all before me nevertheless it plays heavy on my mind heavy I'm older than her 28 years old. This really bothers me I mean why am I dating what somebody else just f'cked and ditched? Why is she going to a place known for promiscuous girls twice? Why did the Asia thing happen?

She claims she's not normally a one night stand kinda girl(I think she's trying to save face now, little too late) but I caught her out there she's had 3 (and tbh we did have relations the first night too so kinda 4?)

I cannot fault this girl on one thing other than her past, she is a fantastic talker and listener, extremely supportive, smart, good sense of humor, She is great in bed (obviously) extremely sensual and (ALWAYS up for it a problem I had with my ex). She is stunning honest to God so beautiful, great body. In fairness to her, she does have a very high sex drive extremely high.

We've really hit it off we speak for hours a day 7-9 hours on the phone from when she wakes on the way into work, lunch breaks, after gym, till bed, and the work texting and repeat the next day solid for a few months now, I like her deeply but I cannot get over these points about her past. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or are these signs that perhaps she's not the best decision maker and I should avoid this potential relationship before feelings get deeper they're getting pretty deep already really fast there is a legitimate strong connection and I promise it's more than the sex (although it helps), I might be slyly bewitched because sex with my previous partner was a little dull, however this new girl is amazing, I'm even getting a threesome on my birthday, she picks the girl though I can do everything to her but penetrate but still!

I've brought it up her past a few times it leads to petty squabbles, she's also got upset a few times she says she doesn't know why I keep bringing up the past. But is this past a tad much or do I have some unrealistic expectations? If so how do I get over her past?(please no 'get over it's' I'd like a book, some meditation techniques, a blog, something Lol!)

Thanks

View related questions: her past, my ex, one night stand, sex drive, sex life, text, threesome

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (4 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to deal with her past or else it will eat you up and ruin your relationship with her. She was single, did she cheat on anyone? Honestly you will push her away if you keep making arguments about her past and make her feel guilty for stuff she has a right to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

Sweetie, I am an older gal who has seen and done a little more than you.

I would like to offer my advice.

I am very sorry you are so drawn to her. Some women have this enchantress thing going. They just pull you in and have this ability to cast a spell on you. It's the whole aura of the person and of course their sexual charm and skills are going to be a huge draw to a man. Especially a young guy who is a little more impressionable than his seasoned counter parts.

You are blinded by her sexual energy. If she was not this good in bed, you would not be here. You are intrigued yet repulsed by her all at once. You are drawn to the naughty side but want her so badly to be a good girl. You are trying to make her into something she is not. Or hoping desperately she is what/who you want her to be.

Sadly, she is not that girl.

You are struggling with her sexual past. With good reason. There is a red flag waving around your head. You cannot ignore it. You are here trying to make sense of your feelings. Trying to get a handle on it. Trying to feel comfortable enough to continue seeing her, without getting hurt. You are afraid she is going to hurt you.

You cannot be with a girl you don't trust. You cannot be with a girl who has a past you are not comfortable with. You are going to question her every move. And worry about her when she is not in your sights.

This girl has a history of promiscuity. I would not trust her when she goes away. I highly doubt she is going to change her ways for you. Or anyone for that matter. She seems to be the kind of a girl who likes attention, likes to have fun, loves to have sex, and loves to have her ego boosted. Her sexual conquests make her feel like a Goddess. And you are just another ego boost. She knows she has you wrapped around her finger. She is going to do whatever she wants, thinking you are a loyal little puppy dog.

So, if I were you, I would bail now. Because you have feelings and she is very likely to hurt those feelings. Or if you can continue to have a good time with her and use her for sex, which she is good at, then go ahead. But I think it is too late for you to have a no strings with her at this point.

I really do believe she is going to hurt you.

You make the choice if you will allow her to.

Yes, good sex can make your head spin. But it isn't worth having your heart broken over.

There are many nice girls out there how have had nowhere near the head count she has.

And you would feel much more at ease with them and not worrying about what they are capable of doing.

I don't think you feel safe with her at all. And you will never feel safe with her past. Yes, it's her past. But it is also who she is.

It says a lot about woman's character when she sleeps around like that. Or a man's for that matter. She is not relationship material. Maybe someday when she grows up? If ever? But just know that most men would feel uneasy choosing a partner with her past. You would not be alone.

What can you live with?

Will this cross you bear be something that nags at you constantly? I think so. Therefore, maybe it is wise to leave now. I know you will be hurt but nowhere near as hurt as you would be if you let her get a hold of your heart and tear it apart.

She will sweetie.

I am a stranger but I can see it all clearly.

I know her type.

I used to be her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

More than her sexual past, it also had a lot to do with her 'decisions'.

The ONS thing on my part was maybe me being naive, I then learned I wasn't the first man she went to bed with on the first night obviously after the encounter.

I never went to bed with her with the intention of not seeing her again, I went to bed cause I was really really enjoying the date. The first date was AMAZING, and on my part it was something really special that happened, it was just a dampener to find out that she'd been there before with other men and didn't even expect a call back from them, it merely had me wondering about her character and was this the right sorta woman to pursue a relationship with.

So in reality, I never had ONS with her, one answer was kind enough not to make an assumption about my past and call me a hypocrite.( Been there Now over it). I really really really liked your answer and it's helped me a lot. Thanks for looking at what I asked objectively and not tapping into your own emotions about my question.

I didn't say SHE'S a whore!!! I genuinely asked... "But is this past a tad much or do I have some unrealistic expectations?" Nevertheless I understand that some people and (largely from the female responses here) would let this question get under them.

Janniepeg was literally opening my mind and reading my brain I LOVED THAT ANSWER! also really really helped. Especially about why people are wondering why it bothers me. I don't want a virgin Mary or a Jenna Jameson, I want someone in the middle. However, you're right about the point with my ex I can't have my cake and eat it too.

In regards to my current situation I genuinely think that you're right she was trying to impress me. What happened looking at it now was kinda obvious we were attracted to each other and I think she was trying to impress me at first. And has since sidetracked once she realised she could have a relationship with me and I wasn't necessarily impressed by promiscuity.

I've got nothing against a girl who has a sexual past with boyfriends or whatever, but I do believe in it being slightly age related, I certainly didn't have anywhere close to 12 partners at 22, I'm yet to have a threesome or any kind of orgy and had only have had one ONS in my life at the age of 25 and it was crap.

But I'm no prude would I have a threesome sure if I was exploring with my partner if my woman wanted to give that to me YES I'd be happy.

Everyone saying how can I be concerned I'm looking to pursue a relationship with her, however. I'm not thinking about 'the next chap' Celtic Tiger. I want to be in a relationship with her.

On her part the chaps that clearly didn't want to be in a relationship with her she still gave them what she is giving me hence why I started questioning it.

I could potentially be in a relationship with a girl that will be going on holiday who admittedly has an extremely high sex drive. The place is known for beach and public sex and holiday hook-ups, combined with the fact she clubs a lot. She had an orgy once whilst away. It is natural her past decisions would have me thinking is this smart.

This girl gets horny in 3 days! Begging me to "come and take care of business and give me a good seeing too." She is going away for 7 days around a load of equally horny holiday and party goers.

She clubs a lot! I'm no idiot I have been to clubs I barely go at all but I know the environment and those of you who have here should also know why a guy might have concerns.

(Small update)

I was coming to terms with her past a little bit actually until recently, another telling situation is her friend's boyfriend, he hasn't said anything directly but he gives me the vibe he isn't happy with the influence my potential girlfriend could have on his girlfriend, similar age gap in their relationship 27-23. He has known their group far longer than me and doesn't seem too impressed with the lady I'm seeing, and recently at drinks made consistent underhanded comments about the holiday and its participants.

He was dropping all kinda hints all night, I'm a pretty muscular guy and bigger than him so I know it wasn't some Alpha Male dick swinging contest tryna bash on my girl and he didn't do that, on the contrary, me and him directly actually got on really well. I kinda wanna just flat out ask him what the deal is but I definitely got the vibes that her and two other friends in the friendship group are known for trouble. I doubt he'll tell me nothing tbh would be wise for his sake to stay out of it.

(P.S. I also met the other two orgy participants was interesting)

Truth be told, I caught feelings so I fear it's too late I wear my heart on my sleeve I'll admit it and when I'm drawn, I'm drawn all the way in. She knows and can tell that now clearly, bad move on my part. I just want to be cautious with my feelings and not be played for a fool.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017):

This isn't really about her past at all. It's about your fear that other men have put her in the 'good for fun' box rather than the 'serious dating material' box. Now you fear these other men will think you've settled for something less valuable because they didn't deem her worthy of settling down with. As if it's just up to the man to decide (cause women are so not opinionated obvs!) and she's been found wanting.

The problem here is your attitude. Many of my mates also think like this, too wrapped up in what other people might say or think instead of focusing on the only thing that matters. Does she make me happy?

If she does, great. If not, move on. But either way stop pigeon holing people. Sometimes it works with someone, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes both parties don't even want it to work but they need comfort/an ego boost/whatever. That goes for women as well as men. It doesn't make them less valuable, it makes them human.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (25 March 2017):

N91 agony auntHave you had sex before her or were you a virgin?

If not, why shouldn't she leave you??

Everyone has a past, if you're truly willing to give up what you have because she has sexual history before you then I'm sorry but you're an idiot.

You're 28 years old, not 13, either suck it up or find someone who's sexual history fits your criteria'.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (24 March 2017):

janniepeg agony auntYou don't need a virgin as a girlfriend, and you don't need someone with a wild past in order to have a satisfying sex life. Just someone in between or someone who doesn't party that much. I guess the majority of people fall in the middle, the happy medium. It sounds as if she's telling you the sexcapades as if she's proud of it, or she needs to tell you this in order for you to think she is highly desired. It's true that sex is consensual and there are equality of the sexes but for someone who needs to know why this bothers you, is quite clueless. There is also a difference between truly enjoying sex being free spirited, and one who wants to rebel, to feel like an adult, or do whatever people want to do because of peer pressure. I don't think a woman reaches full sexual maturity until the age of 30. You can say that an adult is 18 and she can do whatever she pleases but I am sure when you become a parent (man or woman) you would be quite angry with your young daughter went to Magaluf, Asia and did all kinds of wild things.

Honestly I think, you don't feel a relationship with her is possible but you don't want to be the guy who "fucked her and ditched her." You don't want this wonderful sex to just stop because it doesn't happen often, especially with a stunning girl. So the only way for this to continue is to "get over it" or stop letting it bother you. Well, the belief you need is that you can find a girlfriend with whom you can enjoy good sex without her past bothering you. Maybe you want to stick by her because you think this is as good as it gets, and that good girls must be dull in bed. It doesn't have to be this way. You need to meet more girls.

Love is love. Whether it's towards an animal, a child, any being. It can also be an energy you give out, or a state of mind. But when it comes to cultural/social things like bringing a girl to parents, being a good parent herself, being able to stick through thick and thin and when the relationship gets boring, you have the right to doubt her ability.

If you need meditation techniques, you can try being aware of a thought when it comes up. Don't react to it, just simply watch the thought and let it slowly fade.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2017):

"You don't indicate whether your quarrel with her past is due to morals, worries that she would descend into cheating on you, or ???"

Not possible that it can be morals if he's also willing to have sex on 1st date and have a 3some. This is about holding women to a higher standard than men because it's what men like this would prefer to be true. I'd run a mile from a man like this tbh.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2017):

One thing I can never understand about questions like this is actually covered in what you wrote.

Some men put such a high value on virginity and women behaving in a way they deem 'respectable', but they also value wild and exciting sex lives! Often, these two things simply don't go together. People who like sex have sex. People who are happy to go years without it, in my experience, are usually the ones who aren't overly fussed either way.

So I guess it comes down to what's most important to you? This male fantasy of a woman who remains chaste until she meets him and unleashes her wild sexual side is usually just that - a fantasy. I'm sure your ex's past was acceptable to you on paper but you were frustrated by her lack of interest. Come on dude, you can't have it both ways! I wouldn't go out with a man who had never been very romantic in the past, then suddenly expect him to do so with me because he was somehow saving it for me. The same principle applies here.

Not that I'm saying you can't have deal breakers, but saying 'why am I dating what somebody else f*cked and ditched' suggests this isn't about deal breakers. It's about judgement and double standards. You said yourself that you too engaged in one night stands, so why doesn't the same apply to you? You are also someone else's 'cast offs' if you believe your own logic? Because presumably you are one of these men that believe it's different for a woman. That men are the users and women the used, rather than sex being something two adults agree to share. Am I right?

I have yet to see any man get over this on his own (most seem to prefer to argue about why it's biological 'wiring' rather than trying to find a solution), so I recommend therapy. And if you can't get over it? Let her go. It's not fair to continually hold the past over her because you don't appreciate that sex is something a woman can give freely and willingly rather than something a man does to her.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (24 March 2017):

They way you've described her, I wouldn't walk from this girl. Everything is perfect except for her sexual past. Relationships with this kind of chemistry are difficult to find.

You don't indicate whether your quarrel with her past is due to morals, worries that she would descend into cheating on you, or ???

As CindyCares notes, you were just as guilty as her in fornicating on your first date! And I would assume that you were the aggressor. So what we have here is a match between two imperfect people (aren't we all!).

She's had other one-night stands, but they obviously didn't succeed like yours. She loves you. Listen, pal...she's the best thing you've ever had. To answer your question, yes, your expectations are unreasonable. I would definitely invest more time in this woman.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (24 March 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I agree with Celtic Tiger. What you say could perhaps make sense, as a sign of a big incompatibility in moral values, if yourself never had had an ONS, never engaged in casual sex, and thought in general of " non- vanilla sex " as something unbecoming and even disgusting.

But you DON'T. You ended up im bed with this girl on your first date, and I doubt she raped you or forced you at gunpoint.

Then it turned out that you click on many things, so it did not stay just an ONS , it evolved into more. But you could not have any idea about that when you jumped in bed with her . For all you know- she was going to have an ONS and YOU were going to have an ONS.

Double standards much, anybody ?

And the birthday threesome?.. You are drooling, OP , I almost had to wipe my PC screen :) Understandable , but... then you are not morally adverse to orgiastic sex , I suppose ?...

It sounds like you only object to casual sex or threesomes, not at all on moral grounds, ... but when you are not there and it's other people having fun ?

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntYour question is full of so many contradictions.

On the one hand you are struggling with the fact she has been promiscuous in the past, had orgys, threesomes, one night stands....

but..

Then you get excited about how she is great in bed, you have been "promised a threesome" for your birthday(!?) and had sex with her on the first night you met her.

I don't understand how you can be concerned about the past, when you are doing the same thing with her now? What happens to the next chap she dates? Would he be upset she had a threesome etc with you?

What would have happened if your relationship had not taken off, and you were not dating. You would have had a one night stand with her -YOU were just as much at fault there. How many one night stands have you had?

If you cannot deal with the idea of a woman having been promiscuous and having one night stands - dont't have sex on a first date/first night. Would you judge yourself by the same morals you are judging her?

THAT is being a hyprocrite, because for every ONS to happen, TWO people are involved.

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