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Emotionally Abused

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Question - (12 November 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 November 2008)
A female United States age 36-40, *tressed7 writes:

I am with a guy that is emotionally abusive I guess. I don't feel like I can trust him at all. For some reason I just can't get myself to leave him. I love him so much, but he makes me hurt so bad. He broke up with me many times and says it is because I am fat, but then he finds a way to get me back a week later after he slept around a bit. He tells me that having sex with other people is okay, and that I am not okay with it because I am young and stupid (I am 20). If we get into fights he will tell me to shut my mouth and go sit in our room by myself (we got a house together). I just can't get myself to leave. Yesterday he told me he wasn't attracted to me because my legs and butt are too big. I am 5'3" and weight about 125. He erases text messages and phone calls and lies to my face about it. Why is it so hard to leave?

View related questions: broke up, emotionally abusive, text

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A female reader, Stressed7 United States +, writes (13 November 2008):

Stressed7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you guys for caring. It is good to know I can look to other people for help. I don't really have my own friends anymore. I really appreciate what you have done for me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008):

When you begin to realize that being with him is far worse than being without him, you will find the courage to walk away. You are not only emothionally abused, you are physically abused also! A guy doesn't have to put you in the hospital, for it to be considered physical abuse. Squeezing your hand till it hurts, pushes, etc....that's Physical abuse and you don't deserve it! Find your inner strength and take your life back! It will escalate. Believe me, I lived it!!!!

Good Luck!

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A male reader, toddybad United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2008):

Unlike most guys I understand where you're coming from here. I'm 28 and until recently had been in a 7 year relationship with the mother of my 4 year old child. During that time I lost all my friends, my family (including missing my own sister's wedding) and couldn't ever go out without being harrassed. The thing is you feel like you know it's wrong and want out but its hard to find the stregth to do it. you really need to share you experiences with others if you have people close youll need them to get out of this thing. he's an idiot. he has no respect for you and really has no respect for anybody. dont kid yourself tyou love him, you dont or you wouldn't be asking the question - you just feel like you need him becasue constantly being put down messes up your confidence and makes you feel worthless so you need the very guy who is fuelling all this. except you dont need him. dont tell him in person - hell talk you round. dump him by text. dont open the door, dont naswr the phone to him. if he gets really persistant ring the police (it came to that with me). when he realises hell get into trouble sudenly the cockiness will go and you'll see the little boy he really is. you need to get out girl - especially while you're still young and have a whole life and whole world waiting for you out there. itll hurt at first but trust me you'll be sooo glad a couple of months from now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008):

Hey,

Okay here goes.

In 2006 I started going out with a guy and it was great. Well at first it was anyway, I started to notice things were going wrong when he got upset for no reason, and started calling me names. At christmas time the same year, another guy removed a bug from my shoulder, completely innocently, and my guy got angry at me, saying that I probably wanted it to happen. This was the first time of many that I would blame myself. As our realtionship progressed on, he started forcing me into things sexually, and saying that if I loved him I would do everything he wanted me to do. I was so hopelessly in love that I did everything, being stupid enough to believe that if I did them, everything would be okay, and he would stop shouting at me. Eventually I stopped speaking to my friends, and god forbid if I even mentioned another lads name. When my family invited him on holiday with us [they had no idea what was going on] he agreed, and it was honestly like being in prison. I couldn't do anything, or speak to any other men etc, and every night before bed he told me he hated me. Eventually it turned into things like squeezing me hand far too tight, pushing me, threatening to rape me, telling me I was fat and worthless. Every time I told him that this was it, and it was over, he blamed it on depression, and I didn't have the heart to leave, instead deciding to try and help him, which again didn't work. My family also invited him to my grandad's 60th birthday, and my memories of that night are awful, because of the way he was with me. I was constantly making up excuses on why I couldn't leave him, 'he's coming on holiday with us', 'I have his christmas present already.' On New years eve [2007-2008] he was invited round to my house and it all came to blows and he told me he hated me. I again blamed myself. In January of this year we went on so many breaks, me convincing myself that everything was going to be okay with us again. I had gone from being such an outgoing person, to this emotionally destroyed girl. At the end of January I was out with some friends who I had eventually told about how he was being with me and they made me realise that I needed to leave him. I found this amazing strength that I hadn't felt in so long, and texted him saying that I didn't want to see him anymore. He then phoned me crying. It was one of the hardst things I had ever had to do. He then asked if we could meet up in person, and told me that his nana had just died. I blamed myself again, and agreed to meet him. When we met up he cried, and said that he loved me and didn't want me to leave him, and when I was so close to saying I'm sorry, I felt another surge of strength, and said 'no. It's over.' I looked him straight in the eye, and thats when it clicked with him, he had made me so weak for so long, and made me believe that I was worthless, and here I was staring him right in the face telling him this was it. I then walked off, and it felt amazing to be free.

I told him so many things that I was aware he could use against me at any time, but so far he hasn't, which is good. I have been single for almost a year now, and have regained my confidence and feel so much better in myself. I know that one day I will find someone who will treat me with the love and respect I deserve.

To make matters worse, this was my first relationship, and I will admit that it has put me off, and made me scared about eventually seeing someone else, but everyday I get stronger.

To round this off I will say that it's easy for people to say 'leave him' but you need to find the confidence in yourself, and realise that you are an amazing person who deserves so much more. I wish you every bit of luck for the future, and also hope other people who read this and who are in the same situation can take comfort and know your not on your own. Trust yourself. You can do it xox Good luck xox

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A female reader, Jizelle United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2008):

Sweetie, please leave

perhaps the reason you stay with him is that he has broken you down and degraded you so much you feel you don't deserve anything better, or that he is the best you can get.

I promise you, he is not. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect, and being with a guy who calls you fat and sleeps around is not normal or ok.

By leaving, you will show him that is not acceptable to treat you that way, and you will show yourself that you are worth much more.

And by the way, from the measurements you gave, you are certainly NOT fat. you deserve better.

good luck :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, staceyxxx United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2008):

staceyxxx agony aunthe is trying to control you he is seeing how far he can go, this is just a guess but it sounds like your not the one to abuse him back.

if he is being mean you can start being mean, it sounds like he has no feelings for you. this is very unfair for you and he most probley thinks that it dosent matter what he says to you because maybe he noes that you love him and would nether leave.

what you need to do is teach him a lesson next time he says somthing mean to you leave go to a friends house or relatives and stay there for 2 days and dont tell him were you are let him worry let him think your not coming back and he should soon start to realize that he cant treat you like this.

maybe it will work if that dont than there is nothing you can do just have a hard think about leaving him or stayng.

the best of luck nether let any one make you feel that you are not worth nohing because infact he most probly gelus of you :)

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A female reader, helpjayne United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2008):

helpjayne agony auntBecause he's made you feel so low about yourself that you think thats all your worth and your not tell him if you dont appreciate me as a woman then fine i'l go i really think you shud ditch this guy anyone deserves better than that im sure ur worth much mre than that. there are plenty of guys out there who will think your the definition of perfection but your not going to find them stuck with that guy. you may think you love him or maybe you think thats all your worth

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