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Should we try councelling or is it to late will it never work again?

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 November 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband has had an affair with a woman he has known for 5 years through work who is ten years younger. It had been going on for 7 months before I found out. Around the time it started my father had just died and he lost his business so we were in financial trouble and about to lose our home and we had 2 children (1 and 3) with no family around to help so we could not give each other the support and attention we both needed. We never stopped getting on or communicating but we were not sleeping together much. I was in shock when I found things of hers in our car. I confronted him and he admitted the affair but assured me it was just escapism and sex and it was me and the kids he wanted. I threw myself into making it work but I was emotionally all over and so was he because of money worries etc and he felt under pressure to support his family. The other woman played hard to get and my husband, I think could not understand why she had not been in touch and so for whatever reason the affair started again after 2 months of us trying.

I moved myself and my children up to be near my family 200 miles away from him 4 months ago and he is still seeing the other woman. I am devastated but still love him and everytime he comes to see the children he can't stop crying and saying he is devastated too but has 'feelings' for the other woman and wished it had never happened and had not fallen for her and that he misses the children so much. He is in an even bigger mess finiancially and a bit messed up but I can't help but feel we still love each other deep down. After all the initial slagging and shouting we have started to communicate normally but he still says he has 'feelings' for this other girl and would want to try again if he did'nt have those feelings and i know she is fighting for him. Should I give up all hope of us ever working things out, has it gone too far now or is he still just escaping but really wants his family and will eventually realise this. I should give things time? or Should we try councelling or is it to late will it never work again?

View related questions: affair, money

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (14 November 2008):

shania agony auntYou move on, he said he's not in love with you, so tell him to sling his hook.I know you still love him and your emotionally involved where im not,so yes, its easier for me to say all this but please believe me, you will get through this and you will meet someone else who will treat you with the love you deserve.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your answers. I think I know in my heart it is over. I just feel a much stronger person having been apart and would have been in a better frame of mind to make it work as I have found out alot about myself and why our marriage went wrong and he keeps saying he loves me but is just not in love with me. If our love is deep enough will we perhaps be together one day or am I living in a dream world. Should I just move on?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008):

Pish posh.

No man of decent measure hides behind the old 'I wish I had never fallen for her' excuse.

He was selfish. And stupid. Plain and simple. And as much to blame as the 'other woman'.

As far as I am concerned, cheaters get one chance and one alone. If they cheat again after that sever all contact with them if you can and if you cannot (kids) minimise all contact to picking up and dropping off.

You deserve better then a scummy excuse for a man who is gonna jump ship the moment the sea rocks you both around a little.

Find a man who will be a man and take care of his shit and appreciate the attention from younger women, but leave it at that.

THAT is a good man.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2008):

shania agony auntWhile he is having strong feelings for this woman then personally i wouldn't make him choose or ask for him to come back.He is feeling very guilty,thats why he is upset when he visits you.But your not his psychiatrist, you have children to take care of and your emotional wellbeing.If i was you, let him see the children but you have no intention of taking him back while he is seeing this other woman....if he really wanted you and the kids back, then he would of moved heaven and earth to be with you, he's had time to reflect on this yet he still with this other woman. Counselling wont help while he has ties with her...give him a wide berth and tell him that you are not prepared to play second fiddle to his fancy bit....

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