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Do I quit flirting with the guy at work?

Tagged as: Crushes<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2022) 10 Answers - (Newest, 10 March 2023)
A female Canada age 18-21, anonymous writes:

So there’s this guy that I work with and I have an incurable crush on him! the problem is that I don’t know if I should keep sending flirting signs or just give it a rest. I don’t know if he’s just oblivious and clueless or if he is simply just not interested.

From what I assume, he is single I’m certain that he finds me attractive because of the way he looked at me when I finally took off my mask. I think he assumed I was ugly before then and he never really talked to me besides saying hi back. He was just neutral before.

We work in retail on different departments. He’s much older than he looks he’s in his late 20s but looks like he’s a decade younger(my age) That aside, he mostly keeps to his job and has a calm personality. Even though he’s good at his job I can sense a bit of sadness in his like like he’s depressed about his life. I am a bubbly social person but I am somehow quiet and reserved around him because he makes me shy!

Even though talking to him makes me nervous I still do my best to interact with him and try to tease him and make him laugh. Well he laughs a lot but I don’t know if that’s just nervousness. He started teasing me back but the problem is that he only does it when I start. I also notice that he is red when he talks to me! But maybe that’s just the hot weather.

I don’t see any initiative from his part, and feel as if I’m doing all the ‘chasing’. I glance at him a lot and smile and use a flirty tone of voice. Say hi to him everyday no matter what and compliment him appropriately( his actions). I try to send ‘vibes’ and gaze into his beautiful eyes every chance I get. Aside from that I sometimes make up questions just to ask for his assistance and spend time around him. So yeah, these are my big “moves”. Still I make sure to not do anything creepy because I seriously don’t know what he thinks of me. The other men in the workplace are receptive to my flirting, call me cute and even flirt back. But with him it’s just different.

I believe I am being obvious as hell. Although I didn’t do the light touches or question him about his personal life yet. That would just be suuuuper obvious territory. And if I compliment him on his looks, even more obvious and maybe unnecessary.So none of that yet

I am not sure if he’s just being friendly, or he can at least tell that I’m into him . Is it the age gap thats taboo, the coworker aspect (it’s just retail but he’s been there a long time) or is he just an idiot for not seeing that I’m clearly into him??

Help!

View related questions: at work, co-worker, crush, depressed, flirt, I work with, shy, teasing, workplace

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2023):

Agree with all previous answers as possible reasons for his being unresponsive.

There is also another reason I can vouch for: In this day and age, guys have to be "Water tight" in our certainty about a possible come on in the office. Especially from a younger woman. The consequences of reading it wrongly are such that it's just easier to ignore it.

Be direct and tell him outright

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2022):

Trust me! I went trough the exact same thing and it is not a good experience. The guy looks like he is just bein nice. If you want to do something and really like him just ask him on a date but if you don't want to or you feel like it is not worth it then I guess he is not worth it. Either way you should decide for yourself what you want to do. Bc it looks like to me he doesn't really care or like you said he is oblivious. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022):

He's interested. Try to contact him outside when you leave your workplace.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022):

You sound like a childish soppy teenager. Carry on like this and you will be considered to be the easiest lay willing to help out lots of guys. And get the sack.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022):

I wish I could show you this post in 5 years and see your reaction. I'm sure you would look back on this and realise how much you've changed and grown. I speak from my own experience as a teen girl :)

As you get into your mid twenties (well, at least from my personal experience), I began seeing the big picture.. gaining perspective and realizing how my actions affect others.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of flirting with someone you assume is single, but you have to honestly ask yourself... why are you wanting to push this more?

Am I right that because he's not reciprocating, you feel the need to escalate your flirting to get that reassurance that he finds you attractive, otherwise it'll negatively affect your self worth?

You've let him know you're interested. He might find you attractive, but he's with someone, or he could be gay. He could also feel uncomfortable with the attention at work. In any case, it's best you stop the flirting. Admire him from afar and concentrate on your work. If he wants to initiate anything, he knows where to find you.

You said you've been flirting with all the guys at work. This is something that hopefully one day you'll think back on and regret. I became more empathetic with age.. but put yourself in the shoes of their wives/girlfriends. Imagine you're them. How would you feel knowing your man has this young girl flirting with him all day?

This might also be a reason the guy never reciprocated. He thinks you fancy everyone.

My advice is just focus on your work. Find healthier ways to boost your self confidence and keep your personal boundaries. Know you're worth more than the attention from a man. Hope this helps.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (31 July 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony aunt"Is it the age gap thats taboo, the coworker aspect (it’s just retail but he’s been there a long time) or is he just an idiot for not seeing that I’m clearly into him??"

OR is he married or in a relationship? OR is he simply flattered but not interested? OR is he gay? OR does he just see you as a flirty young girl who doesn't understand she is behaving inappropriately? OR is he aiming for promotion and doesn't want to sully his record by dating young work staff?

What I'm trying to say is that there are many many reasons why he might not have taken you up on your very obvious flirting. Stop chasing him before you make him feel uncomfortable. Keep your mind on your work when you are in work. That is, after all, what you are paid to do.

You need to get out more and find someone who is interested in dating you. It's understandable that, at your age, that is a primary goal, but the best bit of advice is "keep work and romance separate". If you disregard that advice, sooner or later you will learn why you SHOULD have taken it on board.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022):

Just because it's a retail job doesn't mean it's okay to use your job as your personal dating pool.

Do you not consider a retail job a job??? Do you work? Do you get paid for working? Did you submit a job application to get it? Do you answer to a boss? Can you be fired, if you fail to do your job? Do they give you a weekly or bi-weekly paycheck?

If you answered "yes" to all of the above questions; then it's a job! All the same rules apply that apply to any other kind of employment.

You shouldn't be flirting on the job. If he does something inappropriate, or makes a move you don't really appreciate; any complaint about it would have no credibility. If you do date, and he turns out to be a real jerk; then you have to face him everyday while you're at work.

If he does something you absolutely don't approve of, or without permission; everybody knows you're flirting with him. You won't be able to find anybody to corroborate, or to defend, your side of things; if it comes down to "he said/she said." He could flip everything back onto you; accusing you of coming-on to him, and discrediting any complaint you have against him.

You are better off seeking your romantic-pursuits off the clock, away from your workplace, and not with your co-workers.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022):

Lady, you are acting unprofessional at work. You need to start acting more professional at work before you are fired. You can start acting more professional by stop flirting with your coworkers.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (30 July 2022):

mystiquek agony auntYou go to work to work and get paid. Not to flirt and get dates. You are young but an adult and need to act accordingly. Trust me, even shy men will make a move if they really like someone. Its very possible the guy isnt interested and is Embarrassed or too polite to say anything. As Honeypie says, be professional. You know very little about this man. He could have a girlfriend, a boyfriend, be Married, have kids. Look elsewhere to date. Never a good idea to date where you work anyways!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2022):

Honeypie agony auntFirstly, he IS a stranger (even if you work at the same company). You have NO idea if he is married, engaged, gay, or just not interested.

Secondly, this is your workplace, not a "dating club". YOU are there to work, to be professional, not to flirt with men you find attractive.

Grow up, OP.

"I don’t see any initiative from his part, and feel as if I’m doing all the ‘chasing’."

So stop the chase. BE professional.

If he was interested he would have told you so, or asked you out. It seems he is older than you and knows HOW to be professional in a work setting. Take that CUE from him and do the same.

LOOK for people to flirt with or date outside of the workplace. This isn't high school, it's a job. And women (even young ones like you CAN in fact be sexually harassing an man.)

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