A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:if been married to my wife for 6months , and dated for 2years. My question is....do i have a right to know why a particular song sets her off ? ....why she cant bare to hear it because it brings her back to a bad time which i Dont kno very much about . She told me that she was forced to have sex with an ex bf of hers over 1yrs ago, but this song has nothing to do with that subject . It has to do with being cheated on and having your heart broken, but to not give up on love and that someone will come along to love tu properly .I asked her about it and she just gets upset at me .... i Feel that she should have the courage to speak to me . Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the responses i really appreciate it.I Dont pressure her into telling me . I had no idea she was abused either , she told me out of the blue willingly.....ive never asked for details or anything for that matter. Ive only asked her about the song twice and both were over a year apart. The first time i wanted some insight, and got nothing Shes said when Shes ready that she could tell me. This last time i pushed a bit .... Said if u confided in me about the abuse surely u can open up to me about a song. She got upset and yelled at me. I got hurt that she would get that upset with me over a song. ( i wasnt thinking about her feeling which i kno was selfish) .She was about to tell me seeing that i was really hurt and shocked at her reaction towards me. But i told her not to because i felt she was being forced to confide in me when she wasnt ready.I have dropped the subject. I Dont think she will ever tell me Whats up. It sucks but i cant do anything. I feel useless not being able to help her get passed this.Thanks .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Music has a way of triggering memories. The song does not have to be about anything-it is just pushing a tender part of her mind that she can not discuss with you.The harder you push for her to reveal this memory or emotion, the more likely she will shut you out from it.You can not force someone to be courageous-you can only encourage them to. She is not ready yet and does not feel safe talking about it.Here is what you need to understand-this is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is not a rejection of YOU. If you love her and want her to be well, be honest, loving then back OFF. You could say something like, "It makes me sad to see you upset. I can see you are not ready to discuss that time in your life and you may not be ready to ever discuss it with me. But, when you decide you can, could you let me know what I can do to help you heal from it?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Look, I want to help you but please give us a little more insight.What exactly is the song? If I knew this I would be in a position to give really good advice. Thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): The heart and the mind are very complex things. And just because you're married, doesn't mean you own either of hers. Should she be able to tell you? Yes. But does she have to? No.
The song could mean anything. It could remind her of someone close to her that she lost. It could have been the song playing while she was forced to lose her virginity. It could be that she's pms-ing and anything sets her off (you can get crazy on your period. I once cried at a mcdonalds commercial. But do not suggest in any way possible that she is PMSing, or you will end up sleeping on the couch). The song might even remind her of you!
Regardless, she is not required to tell you, and you insisting on knowing won't help the situation at all. It isn't about having the courage to say something, but wanting to keep something to herself because she doesn't feel like talking about it. Think of it this way. When you were young, something horrible happened. You lost someone close to you, your first love dumped you, etc. And even though years have past, it still makes you somewhat sad. And when a particular song comes on that reminds you of this, you start to cry. Do you really want to have to tell someone? Do you really want to talk about it? Let her be by herself in this matter, you don't have to know.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 It isn't about the words in the song, have you thought maybe it was playing in the background when she was raped. I was sexually abused as a child, raped as an adult. There is one movie in particular that was playing when I waas being abused as a child, if I hear the movie playing in the background, or see it anywhere, I get angry, start crying and cannot bring myself to talk about why it has this affect on me. The movie is a musical which has nothing to do with being abused, but to me it reminds me of the torture I endured as a child being sexually abused as an adult. You may feel that she should have the courage to speak to you about this, but it is a very difficult thing to talk about, because when you talk about it you re-live the experience and that is something nobody wants to do. The fact that she can't talk about it, has noothing to do with your relationship, so try to be understanding. I can tell you the more someone has pushed me as to why I hate that movie, the more I refuse to tell them, when I am ready to face the emotional turmoil of actually talking about it, I will go to that person, whether it be my mother, best friend, boyfriend or husband. I hope this helps in some way. I hope it hasn't sounded too harsh or insensitive to your feelings, it is really hard to talk about, even for me, I just hope it helps. Good Luck
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