A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf is very traditional. He wants to do everything in stages - which is nice and all but these stages are very far spaced. . The first gap is being together 5yrs before he'll consider sharing a house/apartment with me. I want to have my first child when I am late 20s, or around 30, but at this rate I'll be much older. Why should everything be on his terms? And I feel like I am going to lose my patience waiting for him.I have told him all this but there is not budging him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Tradition is that the two of you are repelled in elementary school, attracted in high school, date in college, marry shortly after graduation, and then have four kids by 25. Spacing things out isn't really traditional, leaping headlong into marriage and procreating like rabbits is more tradition's style.
To a large extent tradition is what you want it to be. So a reference to tradition isn't that useful when the two of you are aligning and negotiating your life plans. Whatever you come up with, you'll find a tradition to provide suitable cover.
It seems to me that you haven't done much negotiation. Is your partner even aware of your life plan? And what level of commitment works for the two of you (eg, it may not be fair to him for him to toss everything to one side so the two of you can move in together).
You've also got to make a judgement yourself during those negotiations. Is he committed or is the delay to avoid commitment?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): He won't consider sharing a house/apartment with you until you've been together for five years? Well he's made his own 'tradition' and rules up there, because I've never heard of that one. These things happen when you both feel 100% READY and comfortable with one another, not when HE makes up a number of year, date and day when he'll be ready. Nobody knows when they'll be ready for these things, they just happen.
I don't think it's very fair how he gets the say about most things in the relationship. These things take two to work. And yes, they won't work unless there's two involved. It takes two to tango, like it takes two to decide whether you're ready to commit.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 How long have you been dating?
These sound like estimations of time, I doubt that he's got a date marked 5 years down the track whereby when the clock strikes midnight that he'll suddenly be ready to move in with you.
Unless you think that he's mucking you around, then I wouldn't worry too much about his time-line, sounds like he's just giving himself a wide berth. I reckon he'll adjust it on his own over time... just don't nag him about it.
Oh, and everybody has their own terms, it isn't a bad thing to lay the cards out on the table and say "take it or leave it". HOWEVER... You've both got terms that are in direct conflict with each other... take note... this is a red flag and maybe you need to have a good hard think about whether you're going to have a future if neither of you are willing to budge...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Try to be more assertive with your point. You could do it in a sexually seductive way while teasing him but at the same time telling him what you want. Get some lingerie and work it. Other then that, if you've already told him how you feel and he wont budge, tell him that you're losing your patience waiting for him. I dont have anything else to suggest other than that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): In a relationship, for it to be successful, you just can't be rigid and dogmatic.
That just doesn't work.
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