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Why is my boyfriend always saying I'm trying to get into his head?

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Question - (11 February 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

What is the deal with my boyfriend always saying I want to get inside his head and analyze him? I have been trying to understand him and issues that have totally damaged our relationship. is this a man thing? or is he avoiding dealing with his own issues that have affected our relationship greatly?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all of your answers. Each of them have given me something to think about, within myself. But no, I can't accept him for who he has been, I didn't realize who he really was. But now he is promising change, telling me he will do whatever it takes and won't give up on this relationship without a fight. He is going to church, volunteering for the homeless now, and going to recovery group within the church for his issues. When I talk to him about things, I guess I am trying to see if he is really changing or is he just going through the motions of what is expected. I guess I wonder if he is just putting up a false front. I know many people promise to change, but that is difficult and many do fall back into their own patterns. His old patterns I cannot live through again. Basically I don't want him unless he changes. I told him this. And he said he is changing. Does a leopard change his spots?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011):

Failure to accept someone for who they are, in spite of things that you may deem as faults, is the hallmark of someone who will never be happy. The fact that you can’t accept, is life’s way of telling you that either he is wrong for you, or you’re not right for the relationship. Any person with a relatively healthy level of selfesteem

won’t appreciate being treated like this and if you can’t zip up without feeling like you’re gritting your teeth and not being true to yourself then it’s time to let go...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011):

Not just a man thing women do this too. Relationships will not work this way, trust me. You should effortlessly already be inside each others head and you should WANT your partner there unless you have something to hide, in which case you have no business being in a serious relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011):

Whatever he has done that you didn't like has probably triggered all this thinking and discussing and his head probably hurts and he feels backed into a corner. So he'll probably eventually make the right noises to buy himself some more time, but the pattern will emerge again. He probably loves the concept of having a woman at his side, he just doesn’t want to be forced into anything and he doesn’t understand where you got all of these ideas. He probably thinks you are a great woman, but not really what he wants but its what he thinks he should be with and it’s important to him that he is surrounded by the things that symbolise that he fits the societal mold. But with your behaviour, which he perceives a manipulative, controlling, and downright annoying, you reinforce the negative perceptions he probably has about relationships and he will find ways to retreat from you so that he can tune out all of the noise and water down your expectations. He knows that because you haven’t left him despite all of his issues, you probably never will.

He often is looking around at other women and do not be surprised if he has not, at the very least, emotionally cheated. This is the type of guy that will definitely try to line up someone else if he is actually thinking about ending things. You’ll know he’s got a possibility lined up when he doesn’t quibble too much with you when you tell him it’s over for good, and while sometimes this is because he knows you’ll be back, it’s also often because he has his eye on a woman at work, or has an old flame lurking around.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011):

One more thing: you’re taking working at your relationship to a whole new level and quite frankly, you’re not working at your relationship. You’re working very hard at slowing the wheels of change by always finding something else to think and talk about. The prospect of change is of course, very scary, and a lot of this is tied in the fact that you won’t be able to talk and think the last drop out of your relationship because you’ll only have to face yourself. You’ll be forced to see what your real motivations are and what you’re likely to discover is that relationships aren’t the only areas of your life where you mask inaction and you may discover that you’re uncomfortable with some of your career choices and just cruising along hiding behind other peoples problems. Hope that helps.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011):

You can’t blame him in some respects for perceiving you to be a ‘nag’ because having these discussions that never go anywhere, then appearing to put all the blame at his door for your unhappiness, plus then faltering to either move on from the discussion or end the relationship, is nagging. You’ve probably spent a lot of your relationship

history having talks and trying to communicate how you feel, and getting very little back in return. Who could blame you for feeling drained and disillusioned when it feels like your efforts to move relationships forwards and “bring him out of his shell” on issues, all seem to go unrewarded?

Verbal quantity has very clearly outweighed quality and the key driver of this behaviour is that you believe that you are working very hard at your relationships because you are “communicating” and what stands between the relationships success is his inability to either reciprocate the communication or respond with

the appropriate actions to what you have conveyed. The key word is “exchange” and if all your doing is off-loading so that he can “listen”, you've got a no refund ticket to relationship doom. You further cement your inaction by replacing the opportunity to verbally communicate with the opportunity to think about what you’ve just communicated and what you intend to do the next time you have one of your big discussions. Ex: you writing in this question.

You get tied up in discussing things to the nth degree because you fear committing to whatever the outcome of the discussion and the possible repercussions, but think that by doing all of this talking that it makes you proactive.

You’re trying to get him to come around to your way of thinking, even though you recognise on a deeper level that he’s already smug that you’ll be around no matter answer he gives. You are thinking because you need to find reasons to stay invested, you need to find a reason to

blame him for the fact that you haven’t made a decision (yet again) and left him, and you need to figure out what crap he’s just told you.

You just don't compute the information so you have to keep returning to the conversation. You believes that this gives you a level of security about the relationship even if his actions don’t match what came out of his mouth. You refuse to look around you for signs of what the true state of your relationship is and believe that as long as you're talking and defining, everything will be OK. It’s easier to talk because you don't want to accept the reality.

I'll bet you consider yourself to be a great listener too.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (12 February 2011):

jonas agony auntDoes he mean that everytime he does something or say something, whatever reasons he tells you behind his action, you won't buy it. You would use your own logic and make your own assumptions about why he did what he did.

It could also mean that he might think you are trying to impose your standards or your thinking on him. Like what he should do or should not do. How he should do it. He sounds like someone he needs his space and don't like you to probe too much or he will find you controlling and demanding.

My two cents worth.

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A female reader, AuntyMaur Australia +, writes (11 February 2011):

AuntyMaur agony auntHe wants to be excepted for the way he is or perhaps he feels guilty or ashamed.

I think that when you meet someone there will always be quirky things that will annoy you however if you want to try and change a persons peronality triats, always finding fault,trying to fix them by suggesting this or that or asking deep probing questions when a person doesnt want to or is not ready to talk is disrespectful to the person boundries. Either except him for the way he is or leave the relationship.

People will only speak up about personal issues when they are ready to.

If I was you I would back off a bit see what happens he maybe feeling smothered.

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