A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this guy i know has always had this strong connection and we both confirmed we felt it. He's been curious about me for years and finally one day we were able to call each other and then started making time to actually hang out.We both have trust issues, and are prideful people. So when we have petty b.s arguements, it sometimes is b/c cuz we agree to dissagre and disagree to agree. Anywho, we been dealing with each other for a while. Sex off and on but not really b/c he expressed one day he wants me as a friend "nothing more, nothing less" so i cut off the sex. But calls everyday and makes petty reasons to see me. Ive even been put in situations where i had to go to his moms house and even had she questioned why did he did that (made me come to his house to give her something she already had)? He always looks at me with those googly eyes and sometimes looks away quickly when i catch him. So to make a long story short we have both been going through some stressful times in our lives and have been arguing to the max, and when he relizes hes the one that "outlashed" on me, be calls back and apologies. I felt like things have been getting too stressful, so i told him i would be falling back from him, since were not even a couple anyways. Whats the point of acting like were in one and why are we even around each other so much. His way of agreeing was chilling with me days later to asking me, "would i be mad or felt some type of way if i started talking to someone else"? So i say no, even tho i did kind of, and then he goes into i want to try something new, and i want to respect her and not talk to other people. So right there i instantly got mad and said what about my respect. And why are you asking me if i would get mad, like we are boyfriend and girlfriend? He doesnt give a direct answer so instead of reacting to the situation like i usually do, i just brush it off and say, i dont mind but i know things will be differnt with your new girl. Then he like it not my girlfriend, i have no girl. Im just talkin to someone and i think i want to see what its a bout. I repesct him for keeping it honest like hes always has, but he still cant be honest with his feelings. Its always been that. He even told my sis friend (which was a stranger to him) that he has trust issues and i care for her. Why would you tell a stranger that? a couple of times we've been in stores together and people have mistaken us as a couple. He get loud with them like "thats not my girlfriend". What his deal. I do like him but he's made me so confused i feel like not being bothered. But on the other hand i never "truely" expressed my feeling b/c of him. Now im lost mre than ever. I dont want to cut him of b/c he never has done anything that truely mad me mad or disrespected me, but i know we both have grown on each other, but im tired of the games. Not sure where to go. Just act busy, stay nice and see if he says something or just tell him how i feel? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 June 2013):
Hi. From what you have said now, it sounds like you are ready to trust, but he is not quite there yet.
I am getting this impression from you by how you say he is kind of okay sometimes, and then he reverts back to a-hole mode as you put it, and that is when he puts up his protective self preservation barricade, once more.
For fear of being hurt - again.
That is most people's greatest fear - of being hurt all over again.
And I guess, it is most likely YOUR greatest fear also.
When it comes to starting to develop trust for a new romantic partner, and especially when there is a huge fear of being hurt, a person will only let their guard down so far, before shutting it again.
And so this is the reason he appears to be acting like an a-hole.
And it probably comes across to you, as if he couldn't care less.
Or something very similar.
And this is no doubt, how he protects himself from being hurt.
And it is a difficult habit to break out of, once it is well established.
Because the reality of life unfortunately, is that at some time, we are all going to be hurt by someone we are emotionally connected to.
Whether it is a disappointment, or a harsh word, or a cancelled date, or just a simple misunderstanding.
There is no escape from this, because we are all different and so we don't think the same way all the time.
And people feel hurt for all types of reasons.
And people feel hurt by a relationship ending, because they feel it is a rejection of them as a person.
And so this naturally, affects their self esteem, and so they carry that negative emotion forward with them to the next relationship and the next and the next.
And this is what is known as emotional baggage.
And it is this emotional baggage, that usually destroys most relationships, as it tends to get in the way a lot of the time.
And if the hurt was because a relationship ended, well then the thinking often goes, that with each new romantic relationship that starts, there is an unconscious thought that it will probably end just like the last one did.
Meaning, that although you would really love this one to be "The One", that you also in the back of your mind think - "I wonder how long this one will last?"
So there is some inner conflict going on most of the time.
And this causes some serious self doubt, which changes how you act when you are with that special someone, because you are making the old assumption that - "it will probably end anyway, so why make any effort?"
And so a person, doesn't really give themselves a chance to shine and just have fun, and enjoy the experience.
And so you can see how these doubts, just keep on getting in the way.
In fact, the whole situation just perpetuates itself - over and over and over ......
It is a viscious cycle.
Perhaps you could tell him that you really like/love him, and say you will not hurt him, and that he just needs to allow things to happen naturally, so that your relationship has a real chance.
It seems very clear, that he is still being overly cautious, and especially as you have given him no real reason to doubt you.
The bottom line here, is that if he never fully lowers his guard, he risks spending the rest of his life, being very very lonely.
And the reason for that, is that he won't allow people to get close to him.
And then, dying a very very lonely old man.
And I am quite sure, that he doesn't want that.
This is something you may want to point out to him, as he might not have thought of it in these terms.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHank you for the responce. I understand what you mean. There are some small reasons that might have altered the trust, but nothing major. We've always been friends first and we get that (well a i do a litle more than him). He can get in his head at times and think his way or no way. But there always something that finds us back to each other. I can remember a few years ago, him being an a-hole telling me he didnt want to be bothered anymore, and about a few weeks after he said that, he saw me with another guy and started "chasing me" again. To the point when i saw him sneaking near my house and the other guy saw him. HAHA! I noticed the change in him with me, which i tend to think the whole reason why he's acting like this is b/c of that incident with the other guy. But that incident would of never happened if he didnt tell me to leave him alone in the first place. He found his way back around to me though & i accented his his company again. I do really like him and my feelings have grown, but im still tryning to play it cool. From being around each other so much, we both found a mutual liking in design, which he told me "i inspired him to do more.." He said he used to luv designing as a kid, but being around certain people and just knowing his upbringing just never allowed it or had an option to do so. I think it was that, that opened him up to be around me more, even tho he wont say. I believe i was harping on him saying what he really feels even though he acts on it. I just have a bad time being convinced, when someone calls us "friends" but then start acting like its more. If its more than why done you say it. And when i tell him this he just goes back into a-hole mode saying he doesnt like me like that. If he doesnt then he wants something else which i will think its some tpye of minipulation going on, but my gut is saying he really a nice guy. I did some history on him and come to find out he really is. To me i think his intentions are good, he just has some bad habits he needs to work on, and im not perfect myself, and we are both working on bettering ourselves, so its like why not be around each other. But sometime i wish i can just "hear it" from the horses mouth what he is truley thinking up there. I dont want to get caught up and fall head over heels and be blinded from love. I thought my last one was a "good guy" but wound up just a horrible, immuture mess. My last boyfriend messed it up for everyone.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 June 2013):
Hi there,
It is extremely clear, that the trust issues you both have, is just getting in the way - BIG TIME.
And I am guessing that these trust issues you both have, may stem from past relationships.
Perhaps you have dated guys in the past who cheated on you, or treated you badly.
And maybe the very same thing has happened to him also.
And these bad experiences can stay with you forever.
Well, that's if you let them.
And what seems to be happening here, is that the minute you meet someone you really like, you agree to go out on a date to give it a chance, to see what happens.
And so you at least take that first step.
And the trouble only starts, when you realize you are starting to develop feelings for them.
And that's when all the old emotional baggage left over from past bad relationship breakups, comes into play.
You then start to be reminded of what went wrong in other relationships.
Ang all the memories start flooding back to you in a rush.
And so you start doubting each other.
And then you start reading much more into something the other said, and gaining a whole different meaning from it than what was actually meant.
And I think this is a big part of the problem here.
At some point in time, you both need to take a leap of faith, and just TRUST each other.
In fact, it is a really wise idea to just trust each other completely, unless there is ever a reason NOT to.
And it seems that what you argue about is not even worth fighting about.
It is most likely very trivial indeed.
And of course, all coming from a place of not being able to trust people.
It is imperative to remember, that we are all different.
And that you can probably trust MOST people.
And so the ones you can't trust, are more than likely in the minority.
And if you won't take that leap of faith and just TRUST him, well hen he won't trust you either.
It is usually reciprocal.
It is absolutely essential that you both find a way of getting around this, or it just will not last.
You need to sit down together and chat about your trust issues - openly and honestly - and clear the air once and for all.
And until you can do this, you are simply going around and around in circles - going nowhere.
I think you are both just full of doubts, and are not game enough to give it a real chance.
You seem to have feelings for each other, which is a great start.
Now you just need to learn how to trust, and go from there.
And it will take a little time, although very well worth the effort.
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