A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together just over a year. It’s been one hell of a year with family issues, Covid-19 and some health issues but we’re still together despite it all.However I have been and still am struggling with my anxiety, something I’ve struggled with for years but am finding it harder over the last 6-8 months.Basically my boyfriend is quite ambivalent and really is reluctant to change much or make plans as he feels pressured easily. So he quite often retreats back to his man cave aka his house, which I’m currently living in because of lockdown and working remotely.My worry is that despite living together he is not sure about us permanently making that step or getting a new house together nearer to where I live, which makes me feel like he’s not sure he wants to commit. I’m also concerned as before we got together he had a bit of a (rumoured) reputation when he was a bit younger with women. He’s never given me any reason to doubt him but once again it makes me question his commitment.Basically I’m just looking for others who have experienced this with their partners and how to move forward without causing arguments or more anxiety. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2020): Of course a sensible person will hesitate or make sure they do not commit to a person who suffers from anxiety - unless the person with anxiety has been sensible enough to make sure they have regular medical treatment and help for their problem. This may be counselling, life coaching, medication, whatever it takes. But if they feel that it will all fall on them and they will have problems because of it they are right to protect themselves. Sometimes people with anxiety become selfish and short sighted and only think of how they might feel better instantly so they think I must get my man to marry me or get engaged to me or get me pregnant and look no further than their nose, they ignore the fact that they are too anxious to be able to cope with it all , or it is unfair on the other person.This idea that a man must commit can be ridiculous. The man is living with you so how can he commit more? By going through a ceremony and making promises? Big deal. Look at how many people get married and one of them still cheats or gets bored or leaves. That marriage and that piece of paper and all those promises - and all leading to it ending anyway.The best way to make sure your relationship lasts is to be fair to your partner. If he does no want to commit accept it and respect his wishes, do not nag him or keep going on about it. He is entitled to hesitate and he is entitled not to want to.And get your anxiety in a safe place in a way it will stay safe. Not where your partner has to worry about how you will be tomorrow or next week. Of course he will run off and go to his place or see his friends or avoid you if you are difficult to be with, who would't? And it gives him an excellent reason to make sure he can go to his bolt hole whenever he wants.In the old days men would go off to their allotment or go for a bike ride. It did not mean they were unhappily married or they wanted to end their relationship but they needed to get away from it for a certain length of time.It makes far more sense than staying and hating every second of it and getting more and more bored with their partner until they end up loathing them and having no good feelings for them.Even if you end up married you do not own your partner. Your partner has his or her own feelings and needs and is allowed to act upon them. Which is why marriage and promises mean very little.People with depression or anxiety or other mental health problems often want marriage or promises because they think they can then stop worrying. They see it all in black and white. They think phew, now I can stop worrying that this will not last. Really? How does it guarantee that your man will not change his mind one day, or cheat or flirt or prefer someone else he meets one day? No way can it. Unless you are a great partner to him.And a great partner is one who does not ask too much and gets all of the medical help they need so that his life is better and he never regrets choosing you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2020): Personally I would not date or have a relationship with a man who has a history of being a womaniser. Did you feel that you needed to settle down and he was the only one who was interested? There is no rush. It is better to wait for the right one.This is not about how he retreats when you want to talk, it is about how he does not want to talk - there is no communication. He simply wants to do his thing. Commitment is pointless. A piece of paper that says you are married will not change him. He will still hesitate to talk, still disappear when it suits him, still cheat if he fancies it and gets the chance. Look at all of the couples who get married and then years later hate each other and are split up or divorced. That piece of paper did not guarantee a thing.Relationships only work if you both work at them. You cannot get some sort of guarantee up front.It also requires you to choose a suitable partner.One who is as keen as you are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): Please don't take this the wrong-way; but consider that you have trouble with anxiety. That may be reason for some hesitance to commit. It's difficult dealing with someone suffering from unmanaged anxiety disorder; and it's hard to consider long-term commitment under those conditions. You have to be healthy, and seeing your therapist regularly; so you can keep your disorder well under control.
You cannot yourself commit to a relationship; unless your mental-health is stabilized enough to deal with the ups and downs, or serious emotional-challenges you'll face while being in a romantic-relationship. Being a couple can be quite stressful; if you're not emotionally-equipped to deal with the normal snags and hurdles couples endure. Maybe you weren't ready when you met each-other, and committed too soon. You can't blame it all on him. Anxiety doesn't always need a trigger; it is sometimes spontaneous, or self-inflicted. It seldom needs a reason, it just happens.
If you knew he has a reputation as being a womanizer; knowing you suffer from anxiety-disorder, maybe he wasn't a good choice from the beginning.
You should simply explain that you need some time for healing and to work on yourself. It would be better than allowing yourself to become so incapacitated and sick; that he'd be forced to breakup with you. Maybe it would be better for you to make the first move.
Anxiety or not; life comes with arguments, disappointment, and stress. You have to be adult enough to deal with confrontation and adversity. There is no-way getting around it! You can't be in any kind of relationship; and expect things to always be perfect and won't ever upset you. That's unrealistic.
You can't anticipate the reactions or responses you'll get from others; unless you can read their minds. You must simply prepare yourself for whatever comes your way. Seek counseling when the situation overwhelms you. If you had to write DC about it, the time for some therapy and professional-advice is now!
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