| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My b/f and I had a fight over me being friends with an ex. I had always been honest with him but he has accused me of lying to him about the situation. We have recently began talking again and both still have feelings for each other, but he is unsure as to whether he can forgive and forget. What can I do to help hem realise I am the girl for him? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, agonyguy  +, writes (27 October 2008):
Apart from the insecurity, jealousy problems, you need to look at it in a man's point of view. Firstly... on the good side of things, your bf is only jealous because he is SO afraid of losing you. This ex is usually an ex that he knows was one of the ones that hurt you most - which also means one of the ones you loved most. This will always be a big threat to your bf as he would compare himself to the ex. In some ways, he feels like a replacement.
Now looking at a man's point of view. Not only is it a matter of jealousy, but also respect! Like girls... men sometimes talk with each other about relationships. If one man says to his mates that his gf is seeing an ex bf as friends... the first reaction you get from other men is... "WHAT?" It's kind of a man thing and also dis-respect. Your bf probably feels he has no respect from you coz by meeting an ex, your bf looks very stupid in a man's world. The ex must be laughing in thinking... "im still the one she loves most. She still comes out whenever i ask her to." Sometimes an ex bf can contact you simply for his pwn satisfaction and not as genuine friends. This you really need to diffrentiate yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I'm a guy and i'll be honest, i'm not really friends with any of my ex's. I guess its one thing if you were friends with the ex before you started dating and maybe your guy has some insecurity issues.
It seems to me like its mostly women who have ex's as friends, but seriously if its to the point where your arguing with your current boyfriend about it, then I doubt very much hes going to "get over it".
My advice: Kick the ex to the curb for good. If this situation comes up again but your bf in counseling.
...............................
A
male
reader, roy_marina_logan +, writes (4 August 2005):
Dear Anonymous,
In my opinion if you love this B/F of yours than maybe you should consire giving up the ex boyfriend. Even though you are JUST friends sometime guys don't see that specially with an ex. It's not exactly fair for you but if you love this person and you can see yourself with him than maybe it's worth in the end. Relationship are hard enough there is no sense in making them harder if you don't have too. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2005): Are you still friends with the ex and didn't tell your current BF? If so, you should've told your current BF but remember, you are an independent, free thinking person and you do have a right to be friends with whomever you choose. Yes, even the ex..as long as the friendship stays mimimal and within the boundries of a "platonic friendship" and goes no further. If you are giving vibes/hints to your current BF, you might get back together with your ex, then your BF has a right to be jealous. After all, he may lose you to your ex. If you truly have moved on and want to be with your BF then you need to start by making it clear to both guys exactly where they stand. Once you tell your BF that he's the one, then you can tackle his jealousy issue. Still, you can establish some groundrules with your BF that will make both of you feel comfortable. For example, you can keep the conversations with your ex to a bare minumum (just a passing hello occasionally) and not let it creep into relationship eith the BF. If your BF sees that you are keeping it "low-key" with the ex, his jealous feelings will likely drop off and he will begin to "trust" again.
If you did "lie" to your BF about speaking with the ex, was it because you may have feared the BF would misinterpret what happened? If your answer is yes, then ask yourself..why did you have to lie in the first place? If you were comfortable with your BF and you both had an open honest relationship, you should not have felt you had to lie? Be honest, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Were you afraid of your current BF's over reaction..his anger? Again, controlling, jealousy and possession issues come to my mind (re: your current BF).
Give this some thought. Only you know what truely happened. If your current BF is hotheaded and the
jealous type..best to really reassess your relationship with him and be honest with your feelings about his Jealousy. ...or...if the ex BF is being a bit overly attentive to you...it's to best reassess that friendship and end it for good.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2005): I think what you need to do is talk with him. Make him realize that you are with him becasue you love him. If he can't handle that you are friends with an ex, than he has a jealousy problem that he needs some help with. Plus you are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you! So don't sit and dwell on the fact that he can't get by you having an old flame as a friend, talk with him! Let him know you are in this relationship because of him and oinly him. Maybe he will let go of the insecurities and relaize that you are the girl for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Auntie Ann +, writes (4 August 2005):
If you were always as honest with your boyfriend as you say you were then it sounds to me as though there is nothing for him to forgive and forget apart from his own insecurity issues which you have no control over. Only he can deal with these and until he does they will be there regardless of what you say or do. Ask yourself if this really is the guy for you and if the answer is yes, tell him that you love him but cannot live with being accused of things you haven't done. Tell him that if he loves you he'll get some help for his jealousy and can call you when he has. If this situation continues it will effect your self-esteem and you are worth more than that!
...............................
|
