A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Just some background info first...I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 22. We met on a dating site where we were a 95% match, and hit it off because of our many, many things in common and common interests. We have been in a relationship for 3 months now. He is by far the best boyfriend I've ever had so far, he is very consistent and reliable (which is what I've always been looking for). He is also very mature, and honest. He makes it clear that he cares and respects me 100%. He makes me feel so comfortable and free that I have told him things about myself that I haven't told any other guys, simply because I never felt like anyone would care enough to want to know (if that makes sense). We are each other's "safe places" where we can be ourselves and support each other, and we have become each other's best friends. I love spending time with him, and he often makes me laugh so hard I cry. He's never had a girlfriend, so I'm his first. But I've had many relationships before him, many of which were not good at all...One was even emotionally abusive, and as a result I can be a bit jaded, anxious, and fearful at times.Tonight, he said he wanted to ask me something. He asked me if I had ever told any of my previous boyfriends I loved them. I told him yes, that I've told almost all of them I loved them. He asked me who said it first, me or the guy? I told him that they ALWAYS said it first and that I've never told a guy I loved them first. I told him that when my exes said it first, I felt like I had to say it back and I also sometimes thought I really was in love. I told him that I now realize, looking back, that the unhealthy relationships I were in were NOT love. He said "Of course not. Just because you know someone really well doesn't mean you love them." (This statement made me a bit worried because I wondered if he was referring to us.) I asked why he asked the question and he said he was just curious, and that was that. My previous boyfriends always said they loved me VERY soon; one of them even said it the first day of our relationship. So I am not used to dating a guy who waits to say it. I think its very reasonable that he doesn't feel ready to say it yet after only 3 months, but I would really like for it to grow into love over time. I'm scared that his comment means he is doubting that he will love me in the future. What should I make of that conversation?Thanks for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2014): Your bf hasn't had a girlfriend before, so he is curious if you have been in love before.
Don't feel there is anything to worry about regarding his statement. If anything, he was probably reassuring you it's ok to look back on past relationships and realize you weren't in love after all.
Personal questions like that always make me feel uncomfortable. I would have asked him sweetly, "why are you asking"? However, you might feel very comfortable with those types of questions.
The main thing is I don't think his comment meant anything negative.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2014): I wouldn't worry about his comment at all. It doesn't sound like he was hinting that he doesn't/couldn't love you - you were talking about your previous relationships. From how you've described him and your relationship, it sounds healthy. Stop worrying and enjoy it! These are the best times. When he's ready to say it, he will. Although you're used to guys saying it early on, THAT is not always healthy!sometimes people say it without even meaning it, or they confuse love with lust. This guy isn't rushing it, which is actually a good thing. So, like I say, relax and enjoy it. It's still early days in your relationship.
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