A
female
age
36-40,
*una06
writes:Does anyone on here ever think about breaking up with thier SO but feel like you would live to regret it? Here are my specifics: I have a boyfriend who I think is awesome in most regards. I just feel like I can't relate to him in some aspects.. different careers, somewhat different political beliefs but not radically different, and a list of other not-so-consequential things. The only thing I think could end up being tough to work out in the future is finding jobs in the same location. We are both going to have PhD's soon and are in our late 20's. We also want to eventually marry and have families. Possibly with one another (we've discussed this).I can list off the positives he has like loyalty, trust, communication, stability, reliability, attractiveness, etc. When I only focus on these aspects I feel pretty good about things. But sometimes I just feel like something is "missing" regarding the other things that I list above, which I have had in my previous boyfriends. But when I get hung up on that list of negatives and especially the career differences, I find myself in a morose state and I feel like something isn't "right" with us and I think about breaking up with him, but the thought of it gets me in tears because I just don't see anyone else coming along that has all of his qualities AND a similar career. He is a great guy and really loves me. Objectively I think I am making a big deal out of nothing. But sometimes I just can't stop thinking about what's missing.Which has led me to post the question, does anyone else out there think about breaking up with their SO sometimes, but wonder if it is a really a good choice? I feel so confused. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): it sounds like basically you're pretty unhappy with this relationship, and the only reason you're still in it is because of fear: you're afraid of being alone if you leave him but don't find someone better.
you have to take risks if you want to move forward in life. Playing it safe often leads to indefinitely spinning your wheels. But of course taking risks does involve a potential loss.
You may not realize it yet, but staying with your bf is also a risk and a potential loss. You're risking ever finding inner peace and happiness. You're risking never meeting the one who would be the right person for you. You're risking never knowing the joy and vibrancy that many other people have, or which you once had too but don't anymore.
you might continue staying with him indefinitely (maybe even marrying him and settling down with kids) and then one day, perhaps years from now, you finally meet someone who's right to you. Then, you will be kicking yourself because you can't pursue that person since you're already committed to someone else who you still aren't happy with, but because he was the safer bet at the time so you compromised. Lots of posts on this forum are from people in that situation who are now torn between walking away from a 20 year unhappy marriage and the guilt of having stayed 20 years and made others dependent on them which makes it harder or impossible to justify leaving yet their minds and hearts are suddenly alive for the first time in years.
It's always easier to leave your current relationship when you have met someone new who ignites your passions because then you have the comfort of knowing you are not losing anything but gaining something big. But you haven't met that person yet and so you can't put a name or face to him and thus you continue to stay and settle for what you have. Well, I think it's better to leave your bf now and not wait to see if you find someone better because that's not a very nice thing to do to your bf, it's basically using him as a security blanket.
So if you're going to stay with your bf, you need to rule out to yourself once and for all, the possibility of leaving him. If you stay with him but tentatively, with one foot out the door, that's not being fair to him. It's OK if it's is a short term transitional phase before you finally commit to one direction or the other completely, but this is not OK to do to him for the long term.
If you're wanting to leave him, you don't have to do it right this very minute but if and when you do, you should do it without a safety net in place, without waiting until you find someone else first (because your bf won't have a safety net either so it's only fair) even though it does mean taking the risk that you won't find anyone better. it does take courage, but I think is the more decent way to do things that is respectful to the other person even though you may not continue a relationship with them.
When people go through life playing it safe, that's also a risk that they will end up losing out big time and regretting it later but by then they may have involved too many other people to be able to change course. if you develop courage to withstand fear and uncertainty, then you are free to take risks no matter what the outcome.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): it depends on your personality and what you value most. do you value security the most? or are you an optimist?IMO, if you find yourself SERIOUSLY and CONSTANTLY thinking about breaking up, and yet don't, then that's a sign that you'll become more unhappy in the future rather than less. when ironically the reason you are staying is because you think staying is what will make you less unhappy in the future.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 January 2012):
 What about your love for him? That's what I see missing from your post.
What is his career? It doesn't have to be in the same field as yours.
Do you feel like you're settling for him, because you know nothing better will come along and that you're getting older?
First, you'd have to find out what's missing. What has happened to make you question the relationship? Is it something he said? Or have you always had it in the back of your mind that you two are just too opposite? I'm just confused at how all of sudden you two are incompatible.
I'd stop making a mental pros and cons list of your boyfriend. Focus on completing your PhD and see what happens on the job front. See how your relationship is then. If you still believe something is off and don't see yourself being his wife then cut him loose.
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