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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello. I am desperately seeking some sort of help here. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now, lived together for almost 2 1/2. Recently we got into an argument and he packed some bags and just up and left me. I know that it was going to happen eventually, but he won't talk to me and I can't get myself to leave him alone. I live by myself, I have no job, and all I do is cry and sit on the couch... How can I get him to realize that I can't live without him, and I need him to back home? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): I feel so sorry for your loss and heartache. He has to "want" to come back to you..there is little you can do. If he never comes back..you have to begin the long, arduous process of healing from this setback and move on with your life and future. It will take time and please allow yourself that. Please remember, that loneliness and loss are as much a part of the human condition as joy and hope...we take this and we learn. Allow yourself to sit with the loss. It's so crucial to learn to hold on to yourself, to love yourself through this tough transition.
The numbness of heartbreak is like being in your world looking through a dark mesh screen. You can see the skies are blue, you see the good food in front of you, but it is all dull and tasteless. Somehow you seem to need this numb place to start on your journey to become healed and whole again. The good news is that pain will fade eventually. For now it is really important to slow down a bit and allow yourself to stay in that numb place where you are safe. If memories begin to swell and you feel sad, don't fight it. Your grief is a part of you. It is important to remember that your sadness has no tangible shape. It will come and go until it eventually fades. And FADE it will..but over time.
There are stages of recovery. The first is the numbness just discussed. The other stages are denial, fear and anger and, lastly, acceptance and moving on. Each stage is natural and part of the healing process. Let it happen naturally. You will find yourself refreshed and ready to move on to be a more evolved and stronger you!
In the meantime, be determined to get out and find that job. It will be tough to focus on that..but you need to survive, eat and pay the rent. There is a great feeling of self-pride, independence and high self-esteem..for a woman, when she takes "the bull by the horns" and takes charge of her own life. I wish you the best of luck, hun-be strong and be good to yourself... Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): Not by saying those last two lines to him most especially, I am afraid.
I am so very sorry to hear that this has happened, it has happened to me, more than once.
The first time it happened, I was 17 and I truly thought I would never get over it.
I even considered suicide over this man!
I got over it eventually, with the help of friends, and an English help organization called the Samaritans. You do not say what nationality you are but I am sure there is something similar in the USA. You can call and just talk to somebody, 24 hours.
You won't believe me now when I tell you these feelings WILL pass.
I found a new job, and started going out more, even if I did not feel like it, you must get yourself out there again, nothing is more of a tonic to the wounded ego than other men calling and asking you for dates.
Do not turn to alcohol or drugs, they will make you feel worse.
The next time I was dumped, I was 22, and again, I felt like something awful, but I knew that I had survived in the past, and so, I would again. You will too. I'm 28 now and happily married, so there's hope!!!!
Try not to get into another serious relationship too quickly, though.You need time for yourself, and to work out what might have gone wrong with you last relationship before you embark on a new one.
Fill YOUR life with things that make you happy, then when a man comes along, he will be a bonus, not a necessity. This will make you so much more attractive to him as well.
Finally, I'd like to recommend a book that helped me. It's called How To Cope With Splitting Up by Vera Peiffer.
She offers some great advice, one tip is to be happy with your own life and keep up hope that one day you will find a man that will make you happy, whether it is your ex or someone else.
You'll be in my thoughts,I really do know how this feels.
xx
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