A
male
age
41-50,
*ohn73
writes:The problem is that my wife is lazy in bed (she voluntarily admits that herself). Mostly she just assumes whatever position I like and then I take care of both of us. She says *partly* she is not more active because she needs to concentrate on her own enjoyment. I can understand that and I am willing to help her relax more or do whatever is needed to make sex as enjoyable as it can be.The problem is that *partly*: she also admits that she is happy to have it that way if I don't complain too much. It's also evident whenever she is more active: I get a feeling that she is not getting too much enjoyment out of pleasuring me and she just hopes that it's quickly over (it anyway happens very rarely these days). I am afraid it might be one of those inborn things: some just are more caring/helping/emphatic than others (she is an engineer :-) ). Is there any way I could make her more active lover? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, John73 +, writes (31 May 2009):
John73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replies! We have been together 12 years and we have one child (3 years now). I would say we are happy together (as far as I know she is also happy with sex situation...). I completely understand that she was tired at some point, so having no sex for some time was completely ok for me. We have now moved from that phase and she says she wants sex. Again, the thing here is that she does the absolute minimum to keep me happy.
It took maybe 2-3 years for her to gradually become less active when we started dating. I think she figured that pleasuring (hand, mouth, ...) me didn't give her satisfaction and she maybe noticed that she doesn't like positions were she has to move.
I know that comparing people or pushing her would very stupid thing to do. Still, I want to figure out a way to make her more active because I don't want to have bad sex for rest of my life! (Leaving her or cheating are not options. Our kid deserves both parents and I'll do my best to not ruin our marriage.)
I have been thinking this from her perspective (The tricky thing is that just asking about some of these issues might make it worse):
1. She simply might not know I want something more. Hmm.. we have been talking about being active somewhat and that's when she has admitted her laziness. I think she knows the situation, but not how important this is to me.
2. She might not know what to do. That might be part of it because I am her first and only partner. Guiding her more would be one option, but she might feel I want something she is not comfortable with and that would possible make things worse.
3. She seems to be happy in bed and she can have orgasms pretty quickly (not that it's any goal), so maybe she is entertaining herself with something so wild/strange that she is afraid to tell me? We have talked about fantasies little bit, but she has said she doesn't have any. I kind of don't belive that (after reading Nancy Friday...). She of course has right to keep things to herself, but maybe opening her mind would help her relax (if I tell her it's ok to think what she is thinking). I really can't think of any fantasies that would be too odd if it's something we can do together (hmm.. ok, maybe I would skip some messy stuff).
4. I know she doesn't have bad sexual experiences in her youth and we are both atheists, so no sin :-). Guilt is possible if she has fantasies she thinks are strange. Somehow she just doesn't seem like guilt-ridden person.
5. She has great body and she is comfortable with herself, so I would be very surprised if she had hidden body image issues.
"A female reader": I wish I could just "unlock" my wife, but after 12 years I haven't found the key... not that I will ever quit searching.
rocknroll: I think having fun, exploring and gaining information are all good advice. Keeping the athmosphere easy going and avoiding the lets-have-a-BIG-ISSUE-discussion feeling are important too. Oh boy, so simple in theory ;-)
Where to go from here? What books to read? Any good websites?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): Ok I gotta say something about this one... I am 30 years old and a mom of 4... I do not know how old you are or your girl is BUT.... I could not fathom just being there and letting my guy do everything... To me she sounds a little self centered... I understand she wants to "enjoy" it herself but to me even to have just a "quicky" I want to know my man is totally enjoying himself... I have often NOT had an orgasm just to please my man... And honestly whenever it gets to the point of him "hitting his high note" I always do too! I think you two need to find some kind of a median... If she is not willing to do things for you... that does not say alot for her... I do not care what her JOB is... I have times that I am not in the mood but if my man i I make sure he is pleased even if we are not having intercourse... Maybe get her into diffrent positions that she kinda has to do a little something... check out kama sutra stuff to comeup with some! Good luck in finding some way to get her involved!
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A
male
reader, rocknroll  +, writes (31 May 2009):
Yes, the engineer part can be a problem, lol!I think you have a real task on your hands. The reason is because you need to understand better her likes and dislikes, and any perceived notions about sex, such as looked down upon as immoral, religious beliefs.You will need to take it slowly and try to gain information from her. There can be many reasons; you will have to be her lover, confidant, friend and investigator all in one.It might be because she feels inadequate about the male body.When you pursue finding out more, never ever become impatient or defensive. Never! And take it at a pace that she is comfortable with. You will have to adjust to the pace, whatever that will be.It might be possible to take her profession and come up with ideas that might intrigue her related to her profession (I have no ideas what that might be, but be open and creative). Make her feel like it is fun to explore, to watch each other for the others reaction when you do this or that. Pleasure is the outcome, something to remember until the next time.Has she orgasm? Have you read any on Mantra? What excites her? Does she have a fantasy that you can perform for her. You need to entice her to get involved and to enjoy because she wants to.I recall one gal I dated. She seemed to only perform because I wanted it. One night, while playing, her facial expressions changed and I could only figure she was having an orgasm. She wouldn't admit it, she wouldn't discuss it, be she made it clear that she now wanted more sex from me, and was patient to wait near my side as I took care of business (running errands etc., with her by my side).
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