A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i--thought-love-was-supposed-to-be.htmli need some more advice please. i mean we've tried so hard to stay together but as things are so much better than they used to be i'm still up and down about our relationship.if that site doesnt work, its on the 19th page heading towards the bottom its called "i thought love was supposed to be easy, is it really worth all the tryingand the pain?"thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmiss butterfly...
hm, that has a nice ring to it haha
you can update it, it doesnt bother me any, thanks for asking :]
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Hey you got no name Ms anonymous, I'm gonna call you Miss Butterfly. Is it alright if I update your original post to tell people what's going on with you. Write back and tell me if it's ok, because I think people are staying away to give me and you some privacy.
I'm familar with your situation. My ex was the same. He loved staying at home, he has few friends and didn't like to socialise much. I'm a quiet bookworm, I love staying at home with my man, but in the summer I was a completely different creature. When summer comes, I just got to go out and have fun. We worked on it, and I must admit I bullied him to come out with me and have fun. He improved his social skills and started to love meeting new people, even people that didn't like him and people he didn't like.
Go forward a couple of years, (I'm an old woman) and now he loves going out and I hate it, I just want to stay at home where it's warm comfortable and safe.... Can you believe it.... LOL
Your young, there dosen't seem like there's a guy out there you prefer. If I was you, I would continue trying, you've got nothing to loose, your young, and sociable, people like you and you know how to find new friends. My advice is to keep trying with this guy, but if it dosen't work out he has more to loose than you.
Take care Ms Butterfly, you make me laugh. Thanks for your honesty, you've put a lot on the line, and taken a lot of insults from me. I like you a lot, so blessings and good luck with whatever you do. Hugs and kisses, speak to you soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEXACTLY.
it is hard, but we've been through so much just trying to work it out. we're both willing to, so that's the good part. It just sucks sometimes because i don't want to change who he is, even though he says it's for the better.
i always thought that a great relationship was two people who just clicked and never had any problems.
its weird because i had relationships like that where i was completely happy no problems but it just wasnt enough...
it's like with my bf i used to love how i had to work for our relationship. it made me feel like it was actually working and not just set out on a platter for me, ready and perfect. it's just now that i'm getting sick of having to try because i've had to for eight months.
i guess i shouldnt give up so easily though if he's willing to keep going. it's not fair to him and i love him so why not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Aahh... now I understand your problem. It's classical Romeo and Juliet.... He's a catholic, your a muslim, he's black, your white, he lives in England, you live in New York.
Unfortunately in your case it's he is a man, your a woman. He likes lots of sex, you have a brain on your shoulders and would prefer to wait. He's an introvert and loves to stay cuddled up with his woman at home, your an extrovert, you love going out with your partner, having tons of friends and gossip, fun and laughter.
Problematic relationship.... They're hard. It looks like you've managed to sort out the sex thing. I don't know what your going to do about the distance between his love of home, and your love of outside. But please keep us updated because it's all very intresting......
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha yes, i totally agree with the P.S. :]
and to be honest, i'm not too sure...
tied down? yes. i used to feel like that a lot.
his last girlfriend never went out with other people and likewise with him. they went out for two years (different schools) and only saw each other on weekends. so for him i'm sure he thought me going out was crazy.
i wasn't used to that, having a boyfriend that doesnt go out. you know?
i love going out with different people and doing things with him but he doesnt like any of my guy friends, and they are standoffish with my bf because he (when he was extremely jealous) used to give them horrible looks and wouldnt even give them a chance. so the only people he likes are my girl friends.
he's more willing to now but it's been a long time and all my guy friends SWEAR my bf hates them so...
its up to my bfs friends. the problem is, is that he doesnt hang out with them. i've encouraged him to but i'm not going to force him to hang out with his friends if he doesnt want to.
i'm sorry if this is confusing...
i guess the point is is that when i go out, just to hang out and have a girls day he's always down my back, and ive said that if he went out then maybe it wouldnt be so bad...but he doesnt, he sits in his house. so his whole life is baseball (he plays a lot during school, summer etc) and me. its not bad but...idk.
this was the main reason in the beginning why it was so bad. was because he didnt like me going out and would make a scene and then we'd argue and yadda yadda. we havent argued at all weve talked that one out so i mean it has gotten better...
and the sex thing.
haha its not that its bad. just thats not how i was raised. i mean i dont see anything good in it when youre in highschool. it's just an opinion, i have nothing against couples that do have sex. my bf is a crazy horndog though. he has a reputation for it, so when we first went out it was just like he tried so hard to have sex with me, his whole baseball team started bets on how long it would take for him to have sex with me, and when we first almost did he told his whole baseball team that we had sex! then there was rumors going around school that we were. it was just bad...and i just felt like he wasnt listening to me that i didnt want to have sex. but its not all his fault because i would put myself into that situation...but like whenever he would try to have sex with me id be like "babe, dont" so he'd say "okay" and do other stuff but then 5 min later he'd do it again so i'd do the same thing. but it just kept happening. it's like he didnt get i was serious enough about it...
so we just decided were going to wait and put it off so theres no more arguments about it.
it seems to be a good choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): What do you want, what would change things and make things better in your relationship. What is he doing that drives you up the wall and causes you to act like this. Do you feel tied and and claustaphobic, is your sex life that bad. Come on tell me, what the hell is going on? Your not happy, why not?
PS: I know you didn't steal him from her, but sometimes you just got to push things for dramatic effect. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou know you're absolutely right. it IS mostly my fault. i want to clear up the "stealing him from his ex" thing. he came on to me. ive known him for years and thought he was just being friendly. whenever he brought up "us" i reminded him of how wrong it was and i always mentioned her. it's not like i was just like "hey, let's go make out so you can cheat on your girlfriend!"no, it wasnt like that.you're right i didn't like your advice, but it actually wasnt that bad. i can see it from your point of view.it is my fault that i got into an "intimate relationship with another guy" i agree with you on that. but seriously, why does anyone cheat?it was'nt because we were too physical. it was because i wasnt happy. but apparently he wasnt happy either so he'd yell at me. that's why i would try to work things out. because he never would want to talk to me. again the cheating thing, i dont go out all the time anymore because of how i feel. the cheating happened in the VERY beginning of our relationship, were way past that. but, when that stuff did happen i only went to two partys. "You love writing to dear cupid because you feel secure when people tell you that your not doing anything wrong."you're right about that one. it sounds very stupid from your point of view, because i AM doing something wrong...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): Yes I remember seeing your original question. It's funny really, originally I agreed with the answers given, I really thought your boyfriend was the one at fault here, but now you've brought my attention to it again, I'm not too sure.
Thanks for the link, I've read the situation again. You've asked for more advice, but I'm not sure that your gonna like the advice I've got to give. Look at it from my point off view, from where I stand, you are at fault, you are unfair and don't care who you make unhappy.
You don't like to cheat, but you cheated on your current boyfriend when he was already in a relationship, but that's alright by you because your relationship was just "physical". (I'm not sure how it can be physical, when you claim you stopped him) You don't like to cheat, but because he wouldn't listen, you went to a party, got so drunk and allowed yourself to end up in a intimate situation with some guy. But that's alright, because you told him you had a boyfriend and pushed him away.
Cause your an honest person, you confessed everything to your boyfriend and he forgave you because he understood because he's been a cheat too. He's cheated on other girls, but he's never cheated on you.
Two months later (and I must assume that this is early in your relationship and you should be in the honeymoon stage) you go to another party, and after an argument with your boyfriend (who no longer trusts you because of the last time) you get into another intimate situation, but this time with your ex and a bathtub, where he gives you kisses. You didn't push him away, you didn't stop him, you even started to make out. But it's ok because you left him originally because "you had no feelings" and you told him "I can't because I have a boyfriend".
A week later you confess to boyfriend, and because he loves you he forgives you again. But it's ok, it's not your fault. Your a good person, it's your boyfriend and he agreed that he needs to change.
You've cheated on your boyfriend twice after you stole him from the girl he was seeing. You don't like to get physical because it feels like "rape" but before you got together and his girlfriend was around, you used to give in because he kept "trying it on" but it's ok because you don't have sex a lot.
He's really insecure but you've helped cause your the first person to show him what a REAL relationship is. You listen to his problems and stuff. You've stop seeing your many friends cause he dosen't like it, especially when you ignore him to text another guy. You still get to go out with your mates, get drunk and make out with other guys. But that's ok, cause "he dosen't go out much, so your not really worried".
You love writing to dear cupid because you feel secure when people tell you that your not doing anything wrong. You don't like to cheat but you...
"feel better though knowing i only made out with these people and that I was drunk and not happy then totally sober.......I know its cheating and cheating is horrible but it puts my mind at ease a little."
Now I understand your situation, lets turn to your question. "is it really worth all the tryingand the pain?"
No it's not. Your boyfriend has been stupid enough to get involved with a cheating, manipulative, teasing, selfish user such as you. You don't like men, and you don't like him. He should leave you immediately before you do more damage to his self esteem and pride.
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