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male
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anonymous
writes: 3 weeks ago I returned from Iraq to my wife and 5 month old son. My wife was really excited until I actually got home then as if a switch was flicked, she froze over. I can't get close to her, she won't talk about it. I suggested Post Natal Depression she nearly bit my head off. She says it's not me, it's just her head but won't admit she needs help. I've trod on eggshells for 3 weeks now and I'm feeling so low, expecting to be living a dream when the reality is a complete nightmare. She won't even talk to her friends. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): i have gone through similiar stage with my wife just ride it and be a bit romantic show her a bit of tlc she will come round its a matter of time
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): Tread very carefully with the post-natal possibility. Could well be the cause, if my experience is anything to go by. Trouble is, in the early stages "denial" of PND/PNI can result in things deteriorating to a really crappy level before the sufferer acknowledges there is anything wrong. It can be really insidious and undermine the person concerned without them seeing it. To make it worse for you if it is mild/early PND, it may make her ultra sensitive to disappointment or perceived let-down. If you came back from Iraq and were anything less than 150% perfect, then it might have felt crushingly disappointing for her. You would see apparent coldness/distance for no "justifiable" reason. She would only see the huge "let down" (whatever that might involve). You fail to see one anothers position - bingo: everything falls apart. Only one way to go: Wait and be very patient whilst doing everything you possibly can to make her feel valued/avoid undermining what she does. Take all the crap. If it keeps getting worse for a few months, sit down and write down what you feel/see and let her read it (better than talking, which can get heated). Try not to confront - try to reassure how much yoU love her etc. and then see where it goes. I'm on the way out of a PND induced relationship meltdown at the moment. It got really bad, but we are on the up-slope (with medical help) and life is looking rosy at last. I hope your military commitment gives you time to support her fully - you will need it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2006): It sounds like a lot of pressure ... maybe what you both need is to ease up on yourselves a bit.
i was in a long-distance relationship for quite some time, and the reunions were always a bit tricky - if they didn't feel perfect right from the start, it was easy to get anxious that something was wrong, and then once your head's a mess, so's everything else.
I know it is hard for you, having just returned from Iraq. Remember that your wife loves you. This hasn't changed - love is a commitment, it's more than a temporary feeling of butterflies in your stomach. This is hard for her, too, and i'm sure even more so, with the baby.
Hire a sitter and tell your wife you want to take her out for a milk shake - this isn't about sex, it isn't about "fixing" things, and it isn't about a perfect reunion night. It's just a milk shake. Accept that things don't have to be perfect. Play some good songs on the jukebox, and don't try too hard. just have a nice time. things will get better - just hang in there. if you're having a really hard time, talk to the chaplain on your base. even if you're not really religious, these guys are trained, they keep confidences, adn they can help.
good luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2006): Your Local Base's family center should have classes or workshops geared towards helping returning service members integrate with their families. You should have been briefed on these programs when you returned from deployment.
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