A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im 29 and married for 8years.a few years ago i started chatting with a very nice man.but lied 2 him about everythn,my race, marital status and so on.i managed to never snd hm pics.we fell in love in the virtual world.nw he wants to meet me and i cnt bring myslf 2 tel hm the truth.what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): without being tooooooooo judgmental, now you can see why online dating/communication is a farce in the real world. you never know what/who to expect.the lies, the deceit, the deception creates heartache, pain, humiliation. it is just not worth the trouble. the fake online people just give the concept a bad taste in the mouth.sadly there are genuine online people but so make fake ones that online has got a infamous reputation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I fell in love with a girl online and everything she told me was a lie. Even the pictures she sent were of a different person. When I finally found out the truth, I was hurt and dissapointed, but in a way, it was a lot easier to deal with. I realized it was all a lie and the girl I fell in love with doesnt even exist, so I was able to move on easily and forget about it. I ended up still talking to that girl afterwards and we talked things through. She told me it was so great being in love with me and she wanted it to really happen so she couldnt stand to tell me and have me hate her. You need to tell him. Its not fair to him to put all his time and love into something that doesnt exist. Help him get through it, tell him you know it was a stupid thing to do, but explain to him why you did it.
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A
male
reader, meganutts  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 Well I can relate, I have done this to once and it was really a fantasy for me to live for awhile, to kinda get away from my current life. I'm tempted to think that this is sumthing you experienced while you did it. Perhaps ur not happy with things way this are at home? You said you were married but are you happily married. You obviously got pleasure out of living the double life, housewife by day, successfull single bachlorette by night when everyone is asleep. Alls I can say is you need to stop it and drop the relationship now, no good can come of it. Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontx so much to every1 that replied.all ur answers were very valuable 2 me.n yes i do hv kids.im nt realy happy in my marriage i thnk that was obvious enuf.im jus very confused at the moment about everythn.bt tx 2 all of u again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Cause and effect. What are you willing to risk?
1) Continued fiction, never meeting, playing the illusion, wearing a mask, short bursts of satisfaction
or
2) Having that fictional story destroyed?
----
What can you gain?
A) Potential amends, potential friendship
B) Stress, anger, frustration, sadness
====
If you want to continue this charade, then by all means, do nothing, but play the virtual illusion. If you are willing to risk it all, then come out clean.
Ultimately, living in such a virtual illusion results in no real benefit, except satisfy a fictional relationship that only exist in your mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): You need to come clean. It's extremely unfair on him, and even more so on your husband for lying all this time. You think you love him? So you know he deserves to know the truth, because he hasn't fallen in love with the real you, only little parts of the truth, because you've lied about very important things.
My guess is, you're emotional/physical needs weren't/ still aren't being met by your husband, so instead of wanting or attempting to sort things out with your husband, you turned to an online guy where you could escape the unhappy reality of your situation. You knew if he knew about you being married, he (most likely) wouldn't allow himself to get close to you, or even suggest meeting you. If you did that, then you couldn't get him to fill that emotional void you need, which you really need from your husband.
Please be fair to both of them, as you're making 3 people unhappy long term (yes including you). If you have children, then it may be harder to come clean and disrupt the family routine, but it's also not fair on them to live in a house where their mum and dad isn't happy, at least from your side anyway. (this is if you have children, if not, ignore this).
If you decide to tell them (and I really think you ought to) then you need to take the consequences. More certainly the online guy won't talk to you again, as he'll be deeply hurt and angry that you've lied for so long. It will be some kind of miracle if he forgave you. Your husband may be more willing to forgive you, and that is if you and him both want to give it another try. Don't make excuses to either of them, this makes it look like you won't accept responsibilty for what you've done. What will happen next will come after telling them both.
I hope you can tell them both, because as I said, they don't deserve this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): In my opinion I think you should come clean with both your husband, and the man on the internet. I'm not sure where that will bring you, but it is always best to be honest. It's not fair to either of them, and until you come clean then you are living a lie. You think this man on the internet loves you, but really he has no idea who you are. I think once you're honest, you'll feel better. You may have to deal with some consequences, but without consequences people would not learn anything.
Good luck to you!
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