A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been in a relaitonship with a guy for nearly 3 years now but for the last few months things have been very strained. I was really worried about him and finally got him to go to the doctor who diagnosed him with depression. He is on antidepressants (for about 2 months now) but things don't really seem to be getting much better to be honest. He still threatened to kill himself if i left him in the last week. I really wanted to support him and help get back the guy i knew he was when i met him, but all this is really draining me and now i am having symptoms of anxiety as well (not sleeping well, knotty feeling etc). If i try and talk about it he tells me i am not supportive but i feel i am being emotionally blackmailed here ! Is it me and does anyone have any advice?
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female
reader, redhead67  +, writes (26 April 2008):
Hi, I understand its very difficult to have a relationship with a person whos suffering depression. I have to say that you're still in love with the same person you met, in the bottom he is still the same but the depression sympthoms make it difficult to deal with him. His black mail is not the main problem here, is a big one for sure, one important thing here is to understand what and how the disease is affecting him and whats behind depression.
Check out this website: http://www.nami.org/
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
It's a website which gives you self-hep, support and infomation about depression, and mental disorders and their sympthoms as anxiety or obsession.
God bless!
A
female
reader, redhead67 +, writes (26 April 2008):
Hi, I understand its very difficult to have a relationship with a person whos suffering depression. I have to say that you're still in love with the same person you met, in the bottom he is still the same but the depression sympthoms make it difficult to deal with him. His black mail is not the main problem here, is a big one for sure, one important thing here is to understand what and how the disease is affecting him and whats behind depression.
Check out this website: http://www.nami.org/
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
It's a website which gives you self-hep, support and infomation about depression, and mental disorders and their sympthoms as anxiety or obsession.
God bless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Gosh thanks for the replies and I will try to take care of myself to - that is really good advice
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Your both in a tough situation. Someone with depression can't control what they are thinking, and for someone who is close, like yourself, saying the wrong thing will only make it worse. The problem is that he is so confused mentally, he can't even help himself. Understanding the path that brought him here will help, but it is like walking a tight rope. If he doesn't mind, talking with his counselor can help you. If he doesn't like this arrangement, telling him your not sure how to help, and asking his counselor might give you some answers.
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A
male
reader, Asexy  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Antidepressants usually take a while to work, because the amount in the system works up to therapeutic levels. Two months is usually about when things start to change, but still, they'll change slowly. He still has work to do.
What you do with him has to do with how you feel about him now, regardless of his depression. If you're done, regardless of whether he recovers, then I don't think you should stay with him any longer. I can understand how hard it is to deal with someone else's depression.
If he's actively working to get better (seeing a counselor, taking his meds) and you're not already "done" then I recommend staying for a few more months to see whether he can bring back the guy you fell for. It's possible.
I don't know how to deal with "emotional blackmail" here. There are some realities about depression that may feel like that, but you can't take them that way. My guess is that he's NOT just using this to keep you around.
Some things you should know. When someone is really depressed they don't have the energy to do anything, even if they want to. This includes suicide sometimes. Something you really have to watch for, especially around the 2 months of taking meds mark, is an increase in energy. Sometimes a depressed person gets just enough energy to carry out his/her suicide. (Unfortunately I've seen it happen. I wish I hadn't.) And sometimes the end of a relationship is enough to push them over the edge.
Please note that I AM NOT saying you have to tie yourself to this person if you're done. If you really don't feel that you have anything left for him, regardless of what he may have to offer when he's no longer depressed, then you can't stay with him. It's not honest. And you deserve to have a life.
But the reality is that dealing with a person in severe depression is tricky. Does he have any close friends or relatives you could talk to first? Someone who (1) give you some break time, if you plan to stay, or (2) can step in when you leave and make sure he's okay? Trying to be the only support he has right now can be much too draining, as you're finding. Get some help, so you can help him.
A friend of mine was taking a swimming rescue class. She had a test to see whether she could "rescue" the instructor, who was pretending to drown. She almost failed. The "panicked" instructor grabbed onto her in such a way that she couldn't swim, pulling her down with him. It apparently happens a lot in these situations, and he was seeing how she could handle it. She got away from him, because that was the training.
The first rule of rescue is "don't drown." If you're being pulled down yourself, you have to get away.
Even when a plane is going down, the instructions say to put YOUR OWN mask on first, before doing so for any children or dependents.
Don't drown. Take care of yourself first. Then, if you can, do what you can for him. Good luck hon.
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