A
female
age
36-40,
*abymonkey422
writes:Hey, so I posted a question a few months back about my husband and I and the issues we were having.Good news is he decided to come back to me and wants to work through our issues, move on from the past and just grow as a couple. He's been trying to do the things he knows he should have done from the beginning so things were going ok. We still fought a lot just because of all of the baggage we had from the past but since we're not living in the same state we can't see a counselor until he gets back from this deployment. He's told me that a marriage counselor wouldn't help us now anyway though because he knows our problems stem from him. He's so unhappy with literally everything and has no idea how to make himself happy. I ask what I can do to make him happy and he has no idea. He says there's nothing I can do so just be myself. So I continue to love him and support him and try hard to be myself but that's kinda hard when the person you love the most in the whole world is miserable. He says it's everything and not just me or the past. It's his job, the people he has to work with, everything.So i've been having a real hard time with everything bc I feel so useless, like I can't even do anything to make him happy. When he talks to me he feels no different from when he doesn't... that hurts a lot :( That's not how it supposed to be. When you talk to someone you're in love with you might feel a bit happier, relaxed, loved, ect ect... but he feels nothing. It doesn't matter if I'm a bitch to him or I'm super nice and loving, his feelings of unhappiness are the same...I'm always confused about things bc to me how can you love someone so much but nothing that person does effect you? How can you be in love with someone but now know what that person can or does do that makes you happy. So I ask him all these questions and last night... *sigh* last night he said he came to the realization that I was right. That if he really was in love with me he would feel things...So he told me he's not in love with me anymore... he said he loves me and wants to still try to make things work but it'll take time but now I'm at a loss. He's still doing the little things that used to make me so happy but now they're not doing anything for me because it feels empty. So now I don't know what to do. There's really nothing more I can do. I've changed for us, I'm in control of my anger, I talk to him with love and respect and am doing everything right but there's never anything more I can do to make things better.I believe him when he says he wants to try but is that even possible? To save a marriage when a spouse isn't in love anymore? Him wanting to still try says something but my worry is that I'm so hurt with everything that I don't see how he's going to get better. When I'm unhappy he's unhappy and vise versa...He's been seeing this Behavioral Health guy but so far has only asked my husband questions so I asked him to ask the counselor a question on how we can fix our marriage bc of the urgency of it now. I don't know if he'll do it or not though.I'm willing to do anything to help us get through this but I feel like there's nothing I can... is our marriage over? :(
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Me and Q, we know what it is to be cheated on.. that bloody thing hurts.
For me, my ex had a one night stand, never saw the girls again, and we was having problems anyway.. Still it hurt. It left my heart bleeding, destroyed my trust, gave me nightmares. I loved him, it was partly my fault for letting the relationship get bad... I knew he couldn't have enjoyed it much,compared to the sex and love we had... but it still bloody hurt....
I told him I'd forgive him, but he'd have to put up will me being angry, tearfull, hurt and sometimes evil for a very long time, and he'd have to put up with it, and treat me like a queen, because it was his fault for putting doubt and insecurity in my mind..
Three years, it took him three years, of putting up with my anger, my pain, my tears, my clinging... three years of telling me I was wonderfull, sending me flowers, showering me with love 24hours a day.
One day I asked him to get me a cup of tea... when he refused, I started screaming about him and his unfaithfull lying downright dog self..... he laughed and said, "rubbish, you forgave me for that a long time ago", and I looked into my heart and realised I had.
As I said, you need to prove yourself worthy. That's what it will take to make your marriage how you want to be... years, not weeks or months...
I am wishing you and your husband good luck, lots of love,laughter and happiness... and that book is a good one I hear.. He aint left yet, and I don't think he'll go... give him reasons to love you and reasons to be glad that he decided to forgive.
PS: You don't get to demand his forgiveness.... give him a reason to forgive.. you can't understand that he sees you and that guy together every bloody minute of the day, and you and the guy enter his dreams and even wreck his sleeping.
A
female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (5 June 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much and Miamine I really appreciate your honesty. I rather have people be brutally honest then flaky so thank you.
He knows it take two to make it work and he says he's doing it in his own ways and wants to let go of what happened but just doesn't know how so he's just hoping in time it will pass. I just fear he's waiting for some magical phrase that will help him move on and I tell him that only he can LET himself move on. If he wants to let go, then tell yourself to let go and eventually you will.
As for me being selfish and seeking attention, it's all true. I have a lot of issues from my childhood and past relationships I do need attention and reassurance so I'll take your advice and just suck it up. I mean at least he's trying right?
I'm just terrified that he's always going to be miserable but of course no one can know what the future holds. As long as we both stay positive and continue on trying to fix ourselves to be better people for each other.
We're reading this book together, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Hopefully it will help :/
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
I read your other post.. guess that made me angry..
Yep so your trying, (when your not going back and forth from Bitch to nice trying to get a reaction)
Keep trying then... years, not weeks or years.. that's what this guy needs... as you said, he's gonna take a lot of healing.. army work, past hurts... it's a hell of a challenge, but you must be patient and try.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
No.. Your marriage is not over... PLEASE HOLD YOUR HAT, I'M GOING TO BE VERY HARSH.
You are not acting like a wife, you are acting like a spoiled child and you are taking up all his energies when it sounds like he has tons of things on his mind. I'm glad I read your other posts... YOUR HUSBAND TOLD YOU TO DUMP THAT SO CALLED FRIEND, but no, you didn't listen, you liked the attention. You do not respect your husband, you do not accept that he is a MAN. It's not that he didn't trust you, he didn't trust your "so called friend".. blink your eyes, and your husbands right, your knickers are off and your on your back... What kind of friend is that.
What is a wife... at the moment it sounds like you think a wife is someone who flaps and flaps and is upset because she's grown up and has no one to play with. You need to start watching some of them old Hollywood movies... get one of the old housewife books out and start to read that.
Think what makes a perfect wife (mother), not someone who is unsure, searching, unfaithful, constantly dissatisfied... Just make the man a nice home, somewhere to relax, somewhere he dreams about when he is far away. Cook dinner, keep yourself and the house nice. Pour him a beer, massage his feet, his neck, his shoulders, make him feel like a king.
The reason I'm telling you this, is because your upset when the man is distant with you... WELL HELL LADY, YOU AINT BEEN MARRIED LONG AND YOU ALREADY DONE HIM WRONG AND SCREWED SOMEONE ELSE.
No wonder he's distant... Poor guy, everyone cheats on him, everyone dose him wrong, he marries a woman he loves, and she goes and kicks him in the guts.. He's bloody hurt from top to bottom, I don't know how he manages to love anyone at all.
Your gonna change your behaviour. Your gonna give him back all the trust and love that has been destroyed in him for years. Your gonna be the perfect woman, you aint gonna ask nothing, your just gonna do... Flowers on the table... great sex in the bedroom.. get yourself sex underwear, stocking are always nice... Don't argue, bite your tongue, for the next couple of years, YOU IS ALWAYS WRONG, and he's the master of the house.
And cuddles, lots of cuddles and kisses... inside he's a hurt little boy, who has given up on people, who desperately wants to love, but is tired of getting hurt all the time.
Pick up a copy of "Men are from mars, women are from venus" by John Grey..memorise the book, and learn how to express and talk in the way he likes best.
Housewife books (betty crocker, that kind of thing) I want that guy to come home to bubble baths set for him, lavender scented sheets, and a woman that is loving and from now on smells of him, and only him.
I feel so sad for your husband.. poor guy, start putting him first, you deserve to come last... give it a couple of years or so, and eventually you'll reap what you sow, and he will give you back all the love in the world that he's been dying to give.
PS: He don't need no fucking doctor, he's been hurt and he's sad, no wonder he keeps himself to himself.. Treat him right and he will learn how to smile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): To answer your question, yes, it is possible to save your marriage when he says he isn't in love with you anymore. He doesn't know what he feels, or what he thinks, he is lost. Stay. Love. Be present. Be kind. Be the person you would want if you were lost. Take care, dear, and I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
Here's Babymonkey's other post for background information. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-get-him-to-see-that.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Hello,
Wow that hurts when someone you love says "I'm not in love with you". It looks like your truly trying to make this work with him. I applaud you its not easy.
Its concerning though that he's miserable. He confided its work etc. Sometimes we get that way cause were truly no happy with the person were with.
I'm certain if he applied himself as much as you have been things could work. However, it doesn't truly seem as if he is doing that.
Give it a bit more time. Express to him you'd like him to meet you on this. It takes two and right now it seems like its just one making more attempt to repair things.
Good luck
;D
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