A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a distant friendship with a man (for the last two years, email and chat) which has grown into a stronger and more sexual attraction. We have so much in common and hugely attracted to each other. In the last month he has started to say he loved me and how he hoped we could have something between us.I have to admit, my feelings have grown a little stronger since then and I haven't stopped thinking about him. The problem is we live in different countries and have very busy lives, plus I have a child who see's his dad locally. Awkward!In any case we have agreed to continue to take things maturely, and will meet for the first time together in a few weeks.We used to email about once or twice a week at the most, but now I can't stop thinking about him and expecting a little more than that. Am I being unreasonable, or too forward, or just struck big time by the love bug?? He spoke to me late into the night five evenings in a row last week, and then the sixth night he wasnt around. I was disappointed, is that ridiculous? I find myself analysing everything he says now, plus checking to see what he's up on his networks. No I'm not the stalker type, but I think I am bit crazily lovestruck at the moment?I don't want to push him away, but I'm not sure how often he is thinking of me. He is very jokey by nature. Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to commit to a mutual schedule to chat? I know he works for himself and so his free time is terribly erratic, but I don't want to spend all my time just 'wondering' when he will be around. Should I just get on with things as we did before and see how it progresses, or should I tell him how I feel? I'm afraid of smothering him at this point.Thanks for any advice out there.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Yeah, sorry, since you posted Anon, I don't really have anything to call you other than Anon or Original Poster (OP). Sometimes we use abreviations around here that we forget others may not know. Sorry about that!
I think there is something to the thrill of the chase. The "getting to know you" stage of a relationship is a lot of fun. Learning where you're compatable, where you aren't, that over the top infatuation. It's real intense and definitely can be fun. My ideal is a bit of a nirvana. It will also never likely happen, but it's nice to think about.
By the way, we don't need a 4th added to our nice little triangle... I could definitely do without any drama. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDB - I was wondering what OP was then I realised it was me lol.
Isn't that of which you speak called Nirvana? hehe I thought that could only be achieved by years of intense naval-gazing under swaying palms? And trust a man to point out the missing genital link lol ;) Though I think, actually, that triangle looks about right if you insert a fourth element into the middle of it. - DRAMA!
Ah, don't people get a little kick from that little number? The uncertainty, the chase, playing with emotions, guessing, pulling and pushing, a constant intensity on a sliding scale of adoration and resentment. It's all very interesting indeed, but if I continue this route I may need my own forum board lol x
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
Thanks for the kind words OP. As for the battle of head vs. heart... I like to think that the pursuit of love is actually the two coming together. I tend to add a third in there though; head, heart, and genitals. ;) That's why I'm a dirtball, LOL. The genitals are rather easy to please, but if they aren't compatable, it causes problems.
Damn you women and your hormones!!! Just kidding, guys get moody too, we're just generally a little better at not letting them control us as much.
I'm an idealist. I think that if you're in love, then Logic and emotion, head and heart, insanity and mundane, passion and boredom, will all come together in one uplifting connection. It never works that way, but it damn well should!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour advice is excellent Dirtball! :) Aha but aren't the trials and tribulations of love a battle of logic versus emotion, head versus heart, insanity versus mundane? hehe Yes, I like to think I am logical, well I am an adult for goodness sake, I should have no excuses! ;)
However, I too also come with those nasty things called 'female hormones,' and they can throw my sensible objectives into turmoil at times :) I am horrified that I am even pining for someone I haven't yet MET, and over the last two years that wasnt happening. It's horrendously ridiculous! Somebody slap me with a cold fish hehe!
Newbie31 thanks and yes, I will play this one out and try not to get hung up on what he is doing. Who cares! If he wants something more let him come find me! :)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
I agree. That's part of why I hate texts or IM chat. You get so much more info with hearing the tone in someone's voice and seeing how they react. Maybe you two could video chat on something like skype. I don't know if it's an option (web cams and all) but it would allow for more real conversation.
He may very well be telling the truth about his friend, so don't assume he's lying all of a sudden becaus you're not sure about your feelings. I'd suggest talking to him.
By the way, you sound sensible to me. Maybe it's because you like my advice, I don't know, but I like that you're taking a logical approach here. ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Dirtball! You make perfect sense, and I am (mostly) a sensible person ;)
Update: I haven't yet decided with this guy. He came online at midnight-ish last night, and we began to chat, then almost immediately he stopped talking, and said some friend had come onto his IM feeling suicidal and he needed to help them out. (I didn't believe him and just left the chat!) THAT is the reason I hate online communication, there is no knowing whats going on either side, and no idea about the sincerity of the exchange!
Right now I have a text full of love messages and an email asking why I left so suddenly. Grr.. time to put a little distance here I think, or maybe I'm just paranoid as hell!
I very much appreciate the feedback, what a great site! xx
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
I'm glad to help out. I'm sorry if my negativity put a bad spin on things for you. I've done the LDR thing and ended up really hurt. I define relationships differently now. After all, how can someone be there for you if you only see eachother 3 or 4 times a year.
Still, taking a step back is healthy. You may have a great thing, so don't write it off, but during the stages when you just want to be together all the time, you tend to do exactly what you are with an LDR, smother yourself with info and web searches because they are all you have to hold onto. I'd prefer holding onto them in person.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you're happy. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 yea. i agree. Just take the relationship as it comes, if it starts working- great, if not just be mature about it so nothing between you two is completely ruined. I've been trying to relax and think of myself first before I start worrying about him. Sometimes I wait for him to text first and if not he's probably busy. We (women- not all). Tend to overthink things and make them out of porportion. And sadly, yes I don't think ldrs ever work but I'm gona try my hardest. Its just like highschool, are u going to stay with ur boyfriend the rest of ur life? No! Of course not, does that mean you are gonna half ass the relationship? No. You work every relationship with the reach for success even if u know it will fail you still grew and gained more experiance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Newbie31, sorry to hear you are going through the same issues. Yes!! Sometimes we can admit to ourselves that we go a bit crazy when it comes to love! As I said to (Dirtball) I'm going to be mature about it and stop killin myself over this guy, aka giving myself some space. I have a gut feeling it's just not going to work out (mainly because of the LDR) problem - (just gut feeling.) Hope your issues get resolved too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball, thanks for your advice and opinion. I appreciate it, and I'm inclined to agree about the LDR thing just becoming more and more frustrating. As it is I feel I am smothering myself with this guy, and I'm not liking being out of control. I'm going to take some 'space' and think it all through. Thanks again!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
I wouldn't suggest a schedule, but if you two are professing love for eachother, then it isn't unreasonable to ask that you at least check in daily, or almost daily.
You do sound a little lovestruck, and some of your behaviors and feelings will likely fade given some time. I would suggest not getting too agressive though, this could drive him away because you may start to smother him like you said.
I'd suggest talking to him about checking in or maybe texting a good time to chat at some point throughout the day. If he can't chat one day, then he can let you know it won't work but at least you'll have had some contact.
LDR's are tough, and I personally don't think they're worth the effort because of issues like you're already having. This may get worse after you've seen eachother. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (14 September 2010):
Well, I dnt really have an answer but wanted to say I feel the same as you. I want to know if he thinks of me as well and I'm constatly checking his facebook and such but I dnt want to smother like you said and ask him to set out time for me. Just know ur feelings aren't riddiculous, I feel the same... unless we are both crazy for which is alright bc at least now we know we aren't alone :). I hope you get good answers that might help us both. Good luck with this man.
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