A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I will try and make this short.My ex boyfriend dumped me 3 months ago but has phoned me regularly (once a week). We caught up a couple of weeks ago, he cooked me a lovely lunch and we had sex, I was at his place for about 4 hours,I feel ok about this well thought I did but after thinking about it, it is a little weird because he seems to have a wall up now and doesn't talk openly to me, well he does more over the phone but making it short and sweet.This Sunday he is coming over to my house to drop a ring off (accidentily left it at his, did not do this on purpose).It is no biggy and feel now as it will be the 2nd time seeing him I will know if I want to continue this ex boyfriend fb (which I have never done before with my exes) or if I am just going to find it all messy and want more from him. At the moment I am ok, yes I do have feelings for him but right now not sure what. When I saw him last we both agreed we are not going into another relationship.So I'm deciding whether I do keep having sex with him or just stop that but keep in-touch by phone occasionally which by the way I have never phoned him.Whatever decision I am not going to be hurt at this stage as I am in a good place. Do you think it is a good idea to keep in-touch and have sex with your ex on the odd occasion without thinking too much into it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Please read my article. I hope it will give you some hope and inspiration.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): You are maintaining a pseudo-relationship with your ex. You have not moved on, and you are allowing him to use you; until he finds himself another woman. Only to drop you again.
You are taking a very foolish regression back to your original place of being dumped. Three months has not really allowed you enough time to actually come to terms with letting go. You resist the truth of your situation.
You have been dumped.
In your mind, you are slyly trying to woo him back. Let me be the first to tell you, it isn't going to work.
If you didn't have a "no contact" period during the past three months, and you still maintain frequent communication; you are in the same place you were three months ago. Pleading for another chance.
I got dumped around the same time. I have not actually laid eyes on my ex since the night of the breakup. I broke contact, accept for two text messages he sent for the entire three months. I've made a lot of progress in detaching. I am presently in full acceptance of the breakup.
You are clinging on and making every convenient excuse you possibly can. You dress-up your back-sliding by giving reasonable and probable explanations. What it comes down to is, you haven't moved on and you are destined to be dumped again. He has a wall up; because he isn't feeling what you're feeling; but he isn't turning down the benefits.
I truly understand and empathize with how you feel. How much have I contemplated doing the same thing. I refuse to do that; because by doing so, my progress of detachment and recovery would be arrested. He has tempted me with a weekend at his summer-place in the country. He has asked to stop by to pick up stuff he left behind. I have declined his invitations, and will have his belongings shipped to him.
You are only prolonging your pain, and setting yourself up by pretending you will get him back. If you do, and you haven't changed over the past three months, you're destined to breakup again. He hasn't shown you any particular signs that he wants you back. Sex is not a good gauge of how a person feels about you.
The odds are highly against you getting him back. The red-flag is the wall between you. He isn't allowing himself any emotional connection with you; accept for the physical gratification he needs to sustain himself until he finds another person to satisfy his sexual needs.
There are a lot of people out there capitalizing on ebooks and publications, feeding on false-hope. They tell people how to win their exes back, and have step-by-step manuals and DVD's that make false claims that have people spending tons of money hoping against hope. Most of the people who dumped them aren't worth the trouble. Most People just can't handle the rejection, or have abandonment issues. It really has nothing to do with love. The love is gone as far as the dumper is concerned.
What good is one-sided love anyway? If they loved you, they'd work it out; and you would still be together.
If someone has come to the decision they don't want you, why do you think you can reverse that decision simply by offering them sex?
Someone dumped me without an argument or any previous indication things weren't working. He even admitted he couldn't think of anything I did. I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out what I did, regardless. I searched for answers that didn't matter. The reality is, he is done with me. There were signs that I ignored in denial.
You can't even talk to him, because he knows the topic of conversation will be your pleading your case to reconcile the relationship; which he clearly does not wish to do.
You are likely to relive that moment from three-months ago. I hope for your sake, that you come to terms with the reality of your situation; and stop allowing this man to exploit your vulnerability.
I wrote an article for dearCupid regarding my personal experience. I went through a very painful withdrawal, and I'm still struggling my way back. I just can't surrender myself to the suffering. I'm not that kind of person. I really cared for the man, but I have to face reality. I know I can find someone as good, and better. I know that life didn't end with that relationship, it's the beginning of a new chapter.
He gave you back your freedom. You refuse to take it.
He will accept no personal responsibility for your crushed feelings when he has to once again reject you.
He would be correct in his thinking.
He dumped you before; but you refused to use that as your opportunity to reclaim your freedom, and rebuild yourself in preparation for life on your own.
There has to be a break between relationships for evolution and enlightenment.
You will find new love again.
You need to work on yourself first. Rebuild your self-esteem and self-confidence.
By learning to survive on your own; you don't depend on others for your happiness and well-being. That's your personal responsibility. Time to put yourself first. You've given him more than he deserves.
Let us know how things progress. I know I'll be standing-by if you need advice. I am working my way through, and still have emotional relapses; but I haven't given in to the urge to allow myself to want him back into my life. It's just going too well without him now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): I say it's a bad idea. I also am one of those people that thinks fwb is a bit cheap, my mom used to remind me that no one pays full price for a library book... too many ppl been using itHOWEVER, just because I think that way, doesnt even mean I act that way, lol, and I don't think you should let my opinion on that affect you.From a more objective point of view, I still think it's a bad idea because too much is at stake. You can't be 100% sure that neither of you will develop those old feelings again. This will sneak up like a shadow in the night, trust me. you wont even realize how you feel until one night when you're looking forward to seein ghim and he announces he has a gf and you just feel sorta left behind and rejectedAlso, you've never phoned him???? ... I really don't understand how you end up with him inside you if he's never given you a call.Do you REALLY need the sex with him that much? ... isn't this going to cripple you as you try to move forward in the dating scene.... not to mention it gives him an opinion of you as easy, and GUYS GOSSIP, even some of the "good guys", even when they don't mean to do any harm, just having guy talk with their buddies.... he's knocking up his EX gf... to me...idk... its like the ultimate insult, you arent relationship material, he doesnt want you like that, he doesnt love you, all he wants is some sex and you're putting out for freeI apologize if my tone is insulting in any way, try to remember that deep down, the only opinion that ever matters is your own!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): "Do you think it is a good idea to keep in-touch and have sex with your ex on the odd occasion without thinking too much into it?"
From a male point-of-view, knowing that I would be free of the commitment and obligation and other demands required of a serious relationship but my ex would still be willing to put out for me would be win-win. In my day back in the Stone Age, the only disadvantage of a guy dumping a girlfriend was that it meant he WOULDN'T be getting laid regularly.
I may be old-fashioned and chauvinistic, but I don't understand why any self-respecting woman would want to sell herself so cheaply. As my long-departed grandmother would have advised me if I had presented her with your scenario, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
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