A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we've hit quite a bump in the road.In the beginning and for the first few years of our relationship, I always made the effort. I think I did it too much to the point where I spoon fed him everything from advice to what to say in arguments (e.g. i'd say something like "I dont like it when you don't listen to me but you'll happily take the same conversation on board from friends" -long pause- me :"aren't you going to say anything?" him:"I don't know what to say." me:"you could say sorry and like listen to me, it hurts when you dont." him:"okay, I'm sorry, I'll try next time" GRGRRRRJSODFJSL!!!!I tell him what upsets me in the relationship as I think you need to be open, but I feel like I'm the only one being open which is clearly causing problems.I feel as though he's running away from situations rather than confronting them, and I'm just so tired of dealing with everything. I love him to bits, I want to be with him but it hurts being inlove with someone and feeling as though they don't love you back.He reassures me that he does love me, and admits to being a d!ck sometimes (only when we argue and he's reminded) but it just feels like it's all talk and no action. Like he just wants the argument over and done with so we can get back to being "normal" where he doesn't have to face it.I want to be with him, but when he's like this which is quite regular, it makes me scared of ever getting married to him or having kids because I don't want to make commitments like that with someone who acts the way he does... but then I also love him completely so you can see my dilemma.Just writing this out is making me frustrated :/ Please help me, I feel so lost, I don't know what to do :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): To the anonymous female reader -No I'm not controlling, I give him free reign to do what he pleases. If you reread my example properly you'll see that I'm not controlling him, I'm spoon feeding him a response because he's just wanting the argument to be over and done with so he doesn't have to face it.I can understand that to you it seems like I am controlling him, but I really am not.I ask him to listen to me more because I feel ignored, like I may aswell be another brick in the wall, and he's like "yeah okay, sorry baby" but then continues to do it. I would say I have been persistent in my pleas with him, but controlling implies a certain amount of "control" on a situation and I have none so.....He is more than himself, he's just gotten too comfortable.From the poster of this question.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): WiseOwlE- Thank you for taking the time to read what I've put and give me amazing advice!! Aside from the marriage part, you're pretty much right :) He's asked me to marry him you see, bought the engagement ring and everything. I just don't want to go that far with him yet when there's clearly no effort or change happening. I mean if he's not willing now, will he ever be? I'm scared to make that big step and take a chance when he isn't.So yeah, taking control of my own life does sound ideal, but do I necessarily have to be single in order to do that? Can't I go for my ambitions and what not whilst with him, just change my approach with him? If so, what could I do differently?As I said in my initial comment, I love him, I'm deeply inlove with him, and yeah he may be taking advantage of that, which is very hurtful, but I don't want to give up, not if there's a chance at working at this. Thank you again :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Have you been controlling? In relationships where one person is controlling, they are the ones creating conflict because they are the ones who want their partner to change or get upset easily. The other partner soon learns that nothing they do is "right" and that the repeated demands get tiresome but the only way to get it over with is to just say OK whatever. In the short term it works wonderfully to appease the controlling partner and make them go away, so this becomes the default pattern of response. The fact that you did everything for him down to telling him what to say, suggests that you have been controlling. Why not invite him to express his opinions - and making it safe for him to do so otherwise he would prefer to keep them to himself? Rather than telling him exactly how to behave and what to say? Why not instead understand him better and then decide if he is really someone you are compatible with? It could be that you aren't compatible but you want to marry him therefore you try to change him to be the kind of person you want rather than allowing him to be his true self even if it means facing the truth that the relationship may not work. I mean it already isn't working as it is from trying to change and control him, so what do you have to lose by changing your approach? Also when you allow someone to be who they are rather than trying to control their behavior, this encourages them to feel more comfortable around you. Feeling more comfortable means they will trust you more. More trust means more opening up to you and more actual dialogue rather than shutting you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): You are in a complacent relationship. He is comfortable and has very little responsibility. You are there to nurture him and keep him company. You are available for sex and affection. You take care of him. So, what do you expect?
You're waiting to get married. You put your life on hold, expecting to be proposed to for your loyalty.
My dear, he is happy with things just as they are. He sits quietly, and lets you blow off steam, until you tire of hearing yourself bitch.
Don't you get it? You're comfortable, like his favorite sweatpants.
He has no plans to marry you. He knows you're stuck. He knows you love him, but he doesn't have to reciprocate; because you love him enough that he doesn't have to.
He knows you're not going anywhere. You don't have the courage. All you do is huff and puff, but you don't have the wind to blow his house down.
If you have an education and a goal in life. Pull your act together, and get out in the world and do something for yourself. You're sitting around in a rut with a guy who treats you like his pet Chihuahua. Barking and growling.
He says something nice, and you settle down.
You've been putting on the same performance for five years!
Let him walk in that door one day and find you packed and gone. That's when guys like that realize what they've lost. In his eyes you're just a girl, and you have no power. You're all talk and no fight.
When you get your walking-legs and the courage. Bid the jerk farewell, and go out into the world and find yourself.
You don't need a man to survive. You don't always have to be in a relationship. You have to enjoy life as a single woman;in order to know who you are, and to get the confidence to stand up for yourself. Not be some guy's bitchy little girlfriend. Be your own woman. You'll be surprised how many guys are attracted to that. I mean a better quality of men.
Life is passing you by. Your future husband is out there; and he can't find you. Because you're in some guy's shoebox with the rest of his little toys and nicknacks.
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