A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Just about a month ago, she broke up with me, ending a two year long, healthy relationship for another guy. As unfair and broken as I felt, I was a bit too emotional to come out and tell her how badly she treated me, so instead I just ended things with, "I will always love you/be here for you; hope you have a nice life, etc."It all happened so fast that I barely had time to think, let alone express my true feelings. So I'm basically wondering, will I regret taking the "nice guy" approach to our break up? Ever since then I've been feeling I need to write her a letter or something along those lines, articulating how terribly she hurt me and how her actions were cruel, petty and cowardly. I sense this will give me a bit more closure than I was allowed when it all happened.As bad as this sounds, she honestly deserves to be told off; as far as I know she's just going on with her new life like nothing happened, like our two year relationship (and 6 year friendship) never mattered to her and that her actions to up and leave with another random guy were justified by some extent. Is this a bad idea? To finally tell her what I should have expressed during our break up? Or do I just take her approach and pretend the whole thing never happened?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Yep, moving on is the only thing you can do really.The best time to let someone know how terrible their behaviour is is immediately after they do it. But when someone breaks your heart, your thoughts aren't clear enough to do it. Heart wins over head. It's a bitter irony.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice everyone. Just to clarify, I was not intending to send the letter to "get her back." I simply feel she got away with being a terrible person and if I don't tell her, she'll just keep acting as entitled as she has.
But I really enjoyed the comment about keeping my dignity. That is true, I left that in tact, and as long as I've moved on I'm better off leaving the past alone.
Its a terrible thing when the person you'd do anything for crushes your heart and feels nothing for it, but overall I deserve much better and will find it. Thanks again for the support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Dont bother she obviously did not want you and has moved on,i also got dumped and wanted closure but decided against it ihave since met a wonderful guy who i gave a hard time to at the begining but now we are getting engaged on christmas day and my ex has no reason to know as its none of his buisness forget the past and start enjoying a future
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): I know how you feel about wanting to let your ex know how 'out of order' their behaviour was. It's galling to think that they escaped guilt-free.
I did pretty much the same as you when my ex dumped me (in a very cowardly way). Initially I was so stunned and hurt - and blaming myself - that all I could do was say "If you ever need me, I'll be there for you. All my love..." etc. Two months on, and now that the dust has settled I'm angry at her for her selfish behaviour.
But I agree that sending a letter will ultimately achieve nothing.
The problem with telling your ex these things now (a month after the breakup) is that may just look like sour grapes/bitterness. Plus, someone capable of ending a relationship so callously is probably too emotionally selfish to take your words to heart and reflect on their actions. And if she's with someone aleady it more than likely means that she's moved on, and won't want to think about the past.
I agree with Patientlywaiting, take heart from the fact that you retained your dignity. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she affected you this much.
If your ex tries to contact you one day in the future - perhaps if/when her current relatioship ends - that's the time to deliver some of these home truths. It will have more imoact then. But hopefully by then you will have moved on to the point when it doesn't matter any more.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (3 December 2010):
 If you were to write her a letter expressing your hurt and disappointment, what would you hope to accomplish? Do you want her to write back and say how sorry she is??
She'll probably read it, but not reply. How would you feel about that?
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female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (3 December 2010):
I would not recommend you do that. If you want her back you can try to get her back but if you just want to put your emotional misery on her...dont. It is none of her business. Look at it this way..would you have wanted her to stay with you knowing she had feelings for someone else? Be happy for her, yes I know it hurts like hell but this is what dating is for, dating does not always turn into forever. If it has been a month of basically not contact on either end, you not nagging her, or complaining or begging her to take you back and you want her back then try to get her back. Of not, move on and forget her. She does not deserve to hear you tell her off or to read a long letter from you. In all honesty that will make you look very bad. You left with your dignity, that was good. Keep your dignity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Hi there. My boyfriend recently dumped me and I am in the process of moving out....actually, I was the one who posted "Just been dumped and it's so hard to let go. Help!". I can relate somewhat to what you are saying about getting it all out. In my case, I did. I feel better, but still somewhat helpless. Again, our situation is a little different. I guess what you have to decide is WHY you want to send a letter and WHAT will it accomplish? If you honestly want to send a letter/email and lay out what you need to say in order for closure, then I say go for it. If she responds, I wouldn't even bother answering her. She will most likely be shocked and/or angry. Just my guess. Now, if you want to send the letter because you are thinking of her, because you want some form of contact, I would say no. In this situation you may get hurt and move backwards instead of forward. It sounds like you have done a good job recovering, so I wouldn't want you to feel bad all over again. And don't worry about the "nice guy" approach. You handled it very well. Good luck to you.
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