A
female
age
30-35,
*weetheart1nonly
writes:I am seriously in love with a 35 year old man, would be 36 this month and I'll be 19. We've been going out for 5 months now, we really love each other. We know each other's pasts, flaws and everything and this isn't just a sexual relationship, emotional. My fear is the age difference and how to tell my own parents as he wants to settle down soon and I'm ready to settle down with him in two-three years time, I'll be 21-22. But how do I start telling people, my parents and so on, I'm very attractive, he is too but we both fell for each other, Please tell me what to do and if it's right, I think about this everyday. I don't want to lose him-neither does he. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (13 February 2009):
It may help you to understand what will make others (especially parents) concerned about this situation. I'm sure you get some of this, but hopefully spelling it out directly will help you avoid some pitfalls.First of all, when most people see a couple with very different ages, they assume those at more vulnerable ages (teens, maybe early 20s, and to a lesser extent those quite old) and being taken advantage of by those in their prime (mid-late 20s through say their 30s or 40s). The idea is that people in the prime have the maximum balance of relationship skills, resources and physical attractiveness. So as someone in their 30s with no kids, if I imagine my daughter in a situation like yours, my fear would be that someone older and thus skilled at presenting himself well in relationships, wining and dining, conversation, seeming more mature than teenage guys, would have far too large a power advantage in a relationship with a teenage girl. It would be very easy for him, for example, to try to gently separate her from her friends and family without her recognizing the signs, and thus make her dependent on him. Or to have a disproportionate influence in making big life decisions, meaning she gets less of what makes her happy than she would in a more equal relationship.I would also wonder why a man in his 30s would not want a woman in his 30s (or at least 20s). The same relationship, conversational, emotional skills that a man learns in his 20s and 30s, women learn as well. Younger women tend to be more optimistic, enthusiastic, and innocent, which is lovely, but is something that tends to mature (like grape juice to wine, say) into womanhood. I'd assume a guy in his 30s would know this, and yet was choosing to not date a grown woman (of whom he'd know many), but rather a "young woman". I'd worry whether, when my daughter got to her mid-30s, if he would still have a preference for young innocence.I'd also wonder whether my daughter understood these risks. Whether she recognized that he was not a boy, but a man, and that she could not therefore be a girl, but had to grow up quickly to be a woman who's his equal (and thus have an equal voice on work, children, finances, where to live, etc). I'd want to know she wasn't just going to defer to him. I'd also probably still see her as my little girl, only making things worse.So, with that in mind, what would I need to see in the two of them together, and her alone, to feel comfortable with such a relationship?First, I'd need to see my daughter as capable and mature. She can drive herself around, understands money and budgets, doesn't need to borrow money, can hold down a job. Is serious about her studies, has clear plans for her future that she would not give up for someone else. Recognizes common relationship land mines and knows how to negotiate them.Especially, most especially, knows what she wants out of life and isn't afraid to say so. Does she want kids? Does she want a career? What does she expect from a husband in terms of childcare, or paying for childcare/housecleaning? Is she willing to move to follow a partner's career? Does she expect the same from him? Is she too shy to stand up for herself, or does she have fight in her? Is she dependent on other people for her sense of self-worth? Such that if she disappointed her father or mother or husband, she would be sad but not full of self-doubt?Can she talk about challenges of relationships like an adult, or does she think that two people feeling love for each other will somehow keep problems away? Does she have a history of seeing her boyfriends as perfect, or excusing their faults, or is she clear-eyed? And then seeing the two of them together: Does she act like a girl around him, or a woman his equal? Is he respectful of her? Can I see what it is that he admires in her? (That's probably the first question in the man-to-man talk ... "tell me what you see in my daughter")Basically what I am looking for is the confidence that, if things went bad, that my little girl would be able to hold her own against the guy who turned against her."But he isn't going to turn against me"In which case I'll be pleased. But my job is to make sure that if the phone rings at 3am and something bad went down, that she knew how to protect herself physically/emotionally/financially, knew how to keep her support network of friends intact, and that she had not given away pieces of herself to shape her life to his wishes, rather than him shaping his life for her.I need to see a grown capable wise woman where before I saw a little girl, and I need to see a guy who is as devoted to the well-being of this woman as I was to the girl, and as I am to my wife.If you go into any discussion with your parents understanding these things, having thought carefully about them, and being able to discuss them adult-to-adult, you are likely to be in a much better position.Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, Sympathetic mind  +, writes (13 February 2009):
All I can say is I have a 16 year old girl who really wants to be with me. I feel the same, but I really really can't because people would make HER life difficult.So we both have massive heart ache, and we both miss each other. But you know what SHE is the important one not me.Man this hurts. So thanks for being understanding society. She can't stand guys her age, and I have never met anyone so kind or mature. However we have to be apart for the rest of the world sleep well at night.
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A
female
reader, orc4me +, writes (29 December 2008):
hi... i know how you feel I am 19 and I'm in love with a 35 year old.... and I have a son that's yr n a half.... well when I started dating this guy... about a year ago... I was honest from the start with my mom... but the problem is my brothers started threatening him and my mom was really hurt... who knows why... so I tried to stop talking to him bcuz I couldn't hurt my mom... and well I couldn't stop and now I love him... and he loves me... so he said.. now he asked me to move in with him.... and well so I decided I need to talk to my mom bcuz that's not fair to him... I think part of their problem with it is... I was molested as a child by my father... and they say that's not what scares them but.. I think it is... I understand that but it has nothing at all to do with it.... if you'd like to contact me maybe we could help eac hother... get in touch with me by email here at Dear Cupid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I wouldn't say it's wrong.You are over the legal age of
going out with someone who is over 18.If you love him,then
stay with him.The worse that could happen is that he'd
break up with you.But if he loves you,then that's most
likely never going to happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): i am 19 years old and in love with a 36 year old man who is living with another woman so i can relate i dont think age really matters when your older but my relationship is also a secret and im looking for answers myself we have been seeing each other for months on a physical level but of course i have a young fragile heart which i have been trying to block him out emotionally and now i think about him more than i should
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): i am 19 years old and in love with a 36 year old man who is living with another woman so i can relate i dont think age really matters when your older but my relationship is also a secret and im looking for answers myself we have been seeing each other for months on a physical level but of course i have a young fragile heart which i have been trying to block him out emotionally and now i think about him more than i should
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female
reader, sweetheart1nonly +, writes (13 March 2008):
sweetheart1nonly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks girl, you made my day.
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female
reader, Tarak426 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Hey I was in the same situation. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is also 35years old. We have been together for almost 2 years and my parents just met him recently. I have been living wiht him all this time too. I thought my parents would freak out. We finally went out to eat with them and they loved him. You just need to let everything fall into place. There is nothing wrong with being inlove with a 35year old :)
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female
reader, sweetheart1nonly +, writes (12 March 2008):
sweetheart1nonly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I would definitely tell them but the truth is I love him and that is what matters. What is life if You cant be happy. Is there any law that says you cannot love an older person. I'll just wait and see what happens. Thanks guys for your help and more would be appreciated though.
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female
reader, hammymanda +, writes (11 March 2008):
 hey well im sorta in the same predicamant and well my man is 29 as well and im 19 to. the only differance is that i dont have a parents to tell. i basically do what i want, if you guys dont want to lose eachother then tell your parents, but the thing is, you might lose you parents, now the question is.. are you willing to jeoperdise the risk of losing your parents, cuz for a fact your parents will absolutley dissaprove of you two guys staying together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): we are 19 and 36 and veryyyy happy. only thing is.. my parents dont know. Good luck x
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female
reader, sweetheart1nonly +, writes (2 March 2008):
sweetheart1nonly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot guys, That's what I'm thinking but it's still very hard. I mean amongst all the guys I've met, young, my age and so on, It's just this guy I love. Love is really crazy
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female
reader, babewithbrains12 +, writes (2 March 2008):
i think its fine, if you too genuinely really like eachother and if your both single and want to be together. im 16 and me and this 36 year old guy had feelingas for each other but he said there was no way we could ever be together in public blah blah because of what people would think...but as long as your guy is fine with people knowing(and theres nothing wrong with your age gap)...if he is making you so happy you shouldnt be afraid to tell your parents they hopefully will be happy that you've found the right person. x
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 March 2008):
 There was a recent case in UK, of a 16 year old girl marrying a 36 year old man and their parents invited him to move in with them.
According to the parents, it is better to do that then to lose their teenage daughter forever.
In love, there is no right or wrong. You do what is best for the both of you.
Others can have their thoughts and in all finality, it is the two of you who will decide what you want to do.
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female
reader, velvetluv21 +, writes (1 March 2008):
Its all up to you. I always tell people to make life decisions based on what you would do if you didn't have to care about anyone else's opinion but your own. Even though you love each other is this a relationship you won't regret if you settle down. Do you want to be 30 with 3 kids and hate that you never got to be experiancing life in your 20's? or would it be worse to be 30, having those life experiances and wishing you were with him? Always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't a person you will ever grow old with. you will most likely be a widow in your 50's and faced with spending the next 30+ years alone or finding new love at an older age. No one's life is ever predictable but with such a big age difference it isn't a question of what other people think but the probability of what could happen. If he wasn't around... how would you picture your ideal life? If you really love him and do want to be with him, the initial reaction of age will most likely be followed by support when people see that you are happiest with him.
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male
reader, UnderstandingDude12 +, writes (1 March 2008):
 Okay im 12 but i can tell you this - I know because of my sister, age is nothing but a number and if you two love each other so much you should not let anything stand in your way because it's true love and you have something special so don't worry about anybody
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