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female
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*anii
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and i love him to bits, but all we do is fight and it seems like he doesnt care about me. Whenever he has a problem he wont talk to me about it he just takes his anger out on me. We have very little communication between us and i feel that this is the problem. What can i do to bring that comunication back into our relationship? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): communication difficultly i completely understand. you need emotional connection to sustain a long term relationship. physical apperance is for a short term. depends what your looking for in a relationship then you can decide what areas listed above would suit your needs
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (24 October 2006):
 You asking how you get the communcation back says it use to be there and that this is not just the type of person he is as some people can't communcate they need to walk away from the situation and take time out before coming back to face it but this doesn't seem to be the case here.
You may have just hit a bad patch in your relationship and need some time apart or and I know this is going to sound bad but maybe he doesn't want to be with you anymore and the relationship has run its time and this is his way or trying to tell you so you get fed up and leave him rather than him having to be the one to hurt you and break it off.
I remember when I was with my ex everytime the relationship got too much for him he would cause a fight with me and then walk out the door, I wouldn't see him for a week while he took his 'time out' not even considering what I wanted and that this was really hurting me each time he killed off abit more of my security in the relationship and of my love for him until there was nomore there for me to give it wasn't until then that he woke up and realised that he loved me and would do anything to make things work but once the love was gone it was gone and no matter how much I wanted to make it work I just couldn't.
So basically what I'm saying is you need to sit down with him and talk to him and make him see what this is doing to you and the relationship before you get in a situation like this.
Good luck :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): Hi, I hate to be the one to tell you this, please don't hold it against me, but it sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend has the four deadliest relationship fighting style elements going on, you guys are in trouble...they are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and finally stonewalling. Here is how it goes, one or the other of you first starts criticizing the other one, I bet even getting really personal, then you both get defensive, nothing gets resolved so you have contempt for the other and the final phase is stonewalling, which is what your boyfriend is doing to you when he refuses to talk to you about issues....if you are this way BEFORE marriage, you may want to consider trading him in for a new model, however, not before you learn a different style of fighting or rather dealing with issues that come up in all relationships....This is a complex problem, and one that is not easy for me to tell you how to correct in this venue. I suggest that you two seek professional counseling, like a marriage counselr or family therapist or even a behavioural psychologist with a Phd, but if he won't go I am afraid there is not a lot you can do on your own except try to change yourself and see if he follows suit...
Feel confident about yourself first off, then if you must fight stay on issue, not fight about the little things he always does or doesn't do, what is the big issue that you are fighting about, sex, money, family, time together, kids, what is the issue and stick to it. No character assasinations, and don't immediately start defending yourself when your partner talks, listen and try to repeat back what he says to you so that he knows you heard him, then ask him what a solution might be..and then state your concerns and ask him to repeat back what you have just said to him to make sure he understood what you said, and so on......Never ever fight or discuss problems when either of you have been drinking, and if fights occur while drinking, then stop drinking all together..
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