A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it ever ok to be in a relationship with a man who uses and sells drugs? Or torments your daughter with names?Or is signed on at many dating sites with pics you took of him on vaca even though he doesnt log in often?Why do I need validity for this? I know the answers to the questions seem obvious and I know that in three years time that if he really loved me he would not want these things to be between us either - right?Who looks at porn but withholds sex and the type you like and only has sex when he wants to in his way?I dont see how someone could say they loved you if they didnt want the best of them for you - right?I tried to ask him about these things again and he said he had nothng to say - Three years together but the last three months I have been really trying to decide whether to stay or not - He wouldnt talk so I left - I just want to know I did what should have - He would have destroyed me I think Comments Please? I am feeling so sick
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Please leave him for good and never look back! He has all the ingredients it takes to make a loser not to mention he "torments your daughter." Not only are you suffering, but so is she! It is a mother's job to protect her children, and you're ALLOWING some loser you torment your child. I mean seriously, it's all on you. I know at first in a relationship you always want to give a guy the benefit of the doubt, but come on, you know it's time to say "goodbye" for good.
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (12 May 2008):
 No it is not right or OK to be in a relationship with a man who uses and sells drugs.
First it is illegal, and why would you want to subject yourself let alone your daughter to incarceration, as you could be arrested along with him if caught with enough drugs in your car for instance.
Not only that he has a substance abuse problem, you aren't in a relationship with him you are in a relationship with the drug.
Drug abuse and alchoholism is a progressive disease, it is going to get worse before it gets better and it may never get bettter just will go from bad to worse to death.
It causes a destruction of the personality, he doesn't care about you or your daughter, he is in love with his addiction.
You are enabling him by staying, you are actually keeping him from recovery just be tolerating him, get out and get out now. Save yourself and your daughter. No one deserves to be dragged into addiction when you are not the one with the addiction.
It is not your responsibility to change him, he can only decide that for himself.
Your first step was to leave, your second step is to forgive him for failing you, your third step is to forgive yourself for not being able to effect a change in him, your fourth step is to be grateful for what you have, and you you will find strength in the knowledge that this is beyond your control to fix...your last step is to never have contact with him again.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Of course there are always exceptions, but think about what your daughter is learning about men and this guy is her role model for future relationships, do you want that for her? Sometimes it's a simple answer that will force us to stay strong even though we are so confused and miserable and everything else feels so unclear. At some point, your bottom line was crossed and that's why you left. I don't think it was because of questioning his love, I think it was the treatment of your daughter. The rest of the stuff you are needing validity for like the dating sites and his selfishness towards you are almost ways to convince yourself that if he truly loved you, it's okay that your daughter is treated this way because what's more important than love, right? Well, you know your daughter is more important and all she's been exposed to thus far is abuse. Your head is in the right place and your relationship with your daughter should be the priority right now so feel good about yourself that now you are showing her that this kind of abuse is unacceptable for her and you. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy daughter is 14 and he calls her T-bone because she is vegan - He likes to invite her over to his house for cook-outs - He has offered to cook things just for her and she has eaten there but she doesnt like him.
She knows and has told me he doesnt treat me well - I was in an abusive marriage with her father before this so this is actually better than before but not right - I see now
She and I are getting along fine so that is the important thing - Thanks for your support - Please more comments - I am not it a healthy frame of mind - Thanks
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Good job with leaving him, you have so much strength and whether it matters or not to you, I am very proud! The fact alone that he uses and sells drugs is not a safe environment for your daughter to be in. Ok and that he torments her with names...??? This man is no good. You are right, he should not even have a dating site if he is in a loving relationship. Sometimes we all need validity or support in decisions we made. Part of you is probably scared and that you should have stayed. The largest part knows it is not how you should be treated, you want agreement and you need other people to tell you how wrong he is and how bad the relationship is for you. Again, good job leaving him. It is most likely that he would have destroyed you mentally. Good luck with everything.
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