A
female
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:I am from India, 16 years and am brought up in a strict Muslim family. My parents have already planned my future for me, get my degree and get married soon after that. But the thing is that I don't want that. I want to continue with my career and do a Ph.D (I will most probably do Journalism). I tried explaining them about this and reasoning with them too but they won't budge and I have been trying this for the past two years.They think that it's not proper that a single female (I stress on female, they wouldn't have cared if it was my brother) should go on with her career and not get married. It just frustrates me that they will not see this from any different angle.So I am thinking about leaving home after I finish my degree and shift to some other city. There's no love lost between me and my parents and they are also verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. But the thing is that, what can they do to me if they find me, either by law or religion. I have nothing against the religion but I just want to live my life my own way and not according to my parents. Am I right in this? If yes, then how do I go on about this? If no, what do I do?All help and comments will be much appreciated.
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emotionally abusive, muslim Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, katyayni  + ♥, writes (9 November 2009):
 HiHoney, your cause is so close to my heart that I want you to succeed. I am sitting here, rooting for you. I want you to fight and win this battle. It will be the vindication I seek for every single one of my friends who was married before they passed college, against their will. I will tell you about my friend Tarrannum, She hailed from a very poor family but she was extremely intelligent, and when she was 9, her family sold her off to an Arabian man, as his wife. We were told that she was down with some disease, and found the truth six months later. So, count your blessings my dear. As for confusion, it is normal. When you feel that you are alone and there is no one to turn to, it is but natural to doubt yourself, given your age and your background, naturally you feel less than confident about it. The worst part is that anger that runs through, for having to fight tooth and nail for something that is naturally your's, something as vital as that, and if it is something that you are passionate about, well, the rage just gets stronger. Don't worry dearest, all this will pass. Fortunately you are in India, where there are too many opportunities for you, especially if you are good in studies. Journalism is good career. It has prospects and offers you a chance at earning early, unlike a lot of fields. Have you thought of getting a writing job? Being an above average student will not help you be a better writer. If you are convinced that this is indeed your chosen field then practice writing. Read a lot. It will broaden your horizons and also improve your intellect. Now, as for your parents, right now, the less you think about them, the better. And while I understand that your cousins have had a very bad deal, I think that you should tell yourself that you are not them and that you will make it. I cannot advise you on the next five years. I can't make that plan for you, and neither can you. All I can tell you is about your present, and I will do that. First thing you need is focus. Second you need determination. Now, support, well, it is best that you don't look for it. It is better that way. Some battles need to be fought alone ,and we all have our own dragons to slay. Right now, there are only three things that you can do:1. Focus on getting excellent results.2. Improve your reading and writing abilities. 3. Stay calm and strong. Forget about your parents, they will not understand at the moment, but who knows what the future has in store. It is just you and your studies. After all, they haven't exactly lined up eligible bachelors for you, right? And, remember, it is not over till its over. This is not the beginning of the end, it is only the end of the beginning. You have only just begun. Don't even think of surrendering now. Whenever doubt knocks on your door, you come to me. I will help you. That is a promise. Love : )
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ katyayni
I am really serious about the career that I have chosen that’s why I am doing this. I am an above average student so I have no problems with my academics. I have been fighting for it for the past two years and I will continue with it. When I said that my dad’s liberal than my other relatives, I meant that he’s fine with me to study up to my degree level. The others don’t even have that.
Thanks for your advise, I think that it has helped me and now I know that ‘every man is on his own’ or in this case woman : ). But I am confused now, do you think that I should try to go with my parents, trying to change their minds or should I steer clear of them, if there is such a thing.
@ thenotsogreat
That would have been easy to do if they even value a little of our opinion. Here, they don’t ask a girl whether she likes a guy or not. The right is reserved only to the guys and if he has no problems with it then the parents go ahead with it. The girl isn’t even asked once. She just has to go with it.
@ baby duck
Thanks for that optimistic piece of advise, I am normally an optimistic person and it made me smile to think optimistic for once. I don’t think I can get that inner peace till I am free but I will try to find it. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (8 November 2009):
 Please don't give up hope.
I don't pretend to have a viable solution. However, I have learned that as long as I follow my gut, keep an open heart and mind, opportunities are presented.
They're never what I imagined, and sometimes they hardly seem useful ... but I trust my intuition and follow ... and slowly, options unfold.
Don't write me off as stupidly optimistic. What have you got to lose? Take one day at a time ... learn your lessons, in the structured curriculum of academics ... but also in the way that the higher frequency of positive vibrations invite more of the same. That is not hippy talk but ancient metaphysics of realm dynamics.
Go outside and get some fresh air. Exercise and get those endorphins in your blood stream to move your thoughts and feelings in a postive, productive direction.
I wish the very best for you ... create your peace
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A
male
reader, thenotsogreat  + ♥, writes (8 November 2009):
 Thats why you dont tell them about it. You do it all on the side and let no one know.
When it comes to it cant you tell them you dont want to be married and refuse to meet any man they bring for you?
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A
female
reader, katyayni + ♥, writes (8 November 2009):
Hi
Well, I realize that you are venting and this is a much needed thing for you at the moment.. but remember, you are stronger than your cousins and you did say that your parents are a little more liberal than others. Well, I am also a first in my family to do what I am doing (lets not elaborate on that)... since I hail from a very distinct background yet my lifestyle is a total break away from that. These years, the class X and the Class XII results, they have a lot to do with your future, and if you don't do well, the struggle will be that much harder. This career that you keep talking about.. well, are you serious about it? Do you really want it bad enough?
If you do, then you will fight for it. Simple. It makes a lot more sense to do what I am suggesting, well, because I have been there, and so I am telling you.
Read the advice given by thenotsogreat! Does he mention anywhere that you have to tell your parents about your job? You live in Bangalore, for crying out loud, and you cannot think of a way to hoodwink your parents? Have you thought of a writing job that you could do on your PC? Your parents will never suspect.
Look, either you are serious about changing your life, or you are simply a spoilt little girl who is only complaining and is too weak to do anything about it. If you really do want to live your life, you will have to learn to survive. The heroes die in the battelfield, it is the resourceful sidekicks that return.
Remember that. Your parents are the way they are. There is nothing you can do about it. The first step is to accept it. Now stop expecting anyone to 'save' you from the situation. It is a hard life out there, and you need to toughen up. Use your brains. You have seen water? When water is flowing it changes its direction, flowing around the rocks and with its steady flow, it slowly erodes the rocks. It survives, it does its duty, it reaches its goal. Be flexible, like water and learn to work your way around the obstacles. Don't tell us that it can't be done, because nothing is impossible, difficult, yes. But not impossible. Look out for opportunities and be wise. (talking about it won't help if you won't put it into action and then learn to find your own ways, ok)
Take Care
and lots of love : )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I know that it would sound more practical to do what you said but the problem here is that what I want has never been done before in our extended family, and my parents are the liberal ones. Every older cousin sister that I know has gotten married as soon as she finishes her degree, hell some have even gotten married as soon as they are 18.
A few of them had thoughts like mine and they have tried the way you said but all of them have ended up married. They have lost all hope in their lives. I don't want to be like that.
As for getting a part time job, I stay in Bangalore and my parents wouldn't even hear of it. It's a taboo for the women to work according to my parents. They think that they are doing a great favor letting me study so working while staying with them is a far away thing. They are just narrow minded people who live according to how they had lived before. They have no space in their minds for newer things.
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A
female
reader, katyayni + ♥, writes (8 November 2009):
HiI read your update.. and at this point all your worry is pure conjecture! Now about the future... if you work hard at improving your present.. the future will work out. It is called Beginner's Luck and I have firm belief in it. Now, the matter of your parents not letting you go... well, perhaps they think that it is just a fancy... and that with time you will outgrow it. Prove them wrong. As simple as that. Your independence will not fall under the Muslim Sha'ria law, it will fall under the Indian Independence law and according to that you will have full power of attorney over your life, provided you are an adult. There are plenty of NGOs that will help you in your objective. However, your parents are your best link in this whole thing. You have to prove your worth to them! Try to stick to your goals and get great marks. This is India and parents there do like their kids to scoring high. Practice your writing, enter into competitions, focus on your goal. Get a part time job right now... there are plenty of magazines that will hire interns. Where do you stay btw? In Metro it is a lot easier, but if you live in one of those small cities, then hit the library. Read and write as much as you can! Hone your skills. And, really, leave the rest... don't worry about it too much. We none of us knows what is going to happen next and time is a great teacher. Perhaps your parents will see that you are serious and will manage to at least accept you? Running away from them to another country will be useless... because, well, if they want to track you down and... they can. It is very much possible. However, if you manage to fight your battle and win your parent's respect... that will be the best solution, don't you think? There are plenty of scholarship schemes available for Muslim women throughout India. Find out about them and then apply to one of the colleges... plan your career well, and stay away from falling for any boy at the moment... we both know how that could complicate the whole scenario. Don't do any thing drastic.. just focus on your goals. Keep us posted. Looking forward to your update. Of course you are free to PM me any time, darling. Love
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A
female
reader, katyayni + ♥, writes (8 November 2009):
HiHoney, I am a Hindu, and so when I talk of the 'pheras' I meant that in a 'shaadi', but of course, it is also meant for a 'nikaah'. I hope that you won't categorize me for slipping up! I haven't interacted with a single muslim girl since I finished school, where I had a multitude of friends from various ethnicity and religion and I remember enjoying Id a lot. I hope you realize that I never meant to offend you... I am a little rusty. Take Care Darling
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had realized that getting my degree somewhere out of India would be the best plan but when I asked my dad he said that in our community/religion, girls cannot be sent out anywhere. They are supposed to stay in the house and act proper as said by everyone. Then they don’t allow any contact with guys for me. I thought about leaving home after I finish my degree. But the one think that I am really scared about is my parent’s reactions after they find out. My family is full of those really influential and rich kind of people. I don’t know what lengths they might go to just to find me. It’s considered a shame for parents who have lost control on their children and this leaving home part is almost a taboo, it’s unheard of. Seriously, thanks for all your help; they gave at least a bit of courage to move on with my life. I know that I am too young to be thinking so much about the future but it’s scary to just sit around and let all my nightmares come true. Of course, more help is always appreciated.
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A
female
reader, katyayni + ♥, writes (8 November 2009):
HiOk. I have faced this situation. And I have gone through a battle exactly like your. Much worst in my case, since I am an only GIRL (I stress on girl) child. No brothers, no sisters. And I did it exactly the way thenotsogreat tells you. In life, one needs to be diplomatic. Why? Well, it helps you stay sane for starters. Second, born in India you cannot escape the whole 'debt to your parents' philosophy. And then there is the truth that you CANNOT change your parent's attitude. And if you think that the occasional beating and the whole scolding is enough.. wait till you grow up and they start lining up good 'rishtas' for you! Oh, honey, you can kick and scream and yell and cry and threaten suicide all the way to the 'feras' and no one is going to listen to you!They will just say that the girl is sad on leaving her home and term it modesty.Now, do it as thenotsogreat says. I did it, and it helped me live my life exactly as I want and yes, I am unmarried at the ripe old age of 24yrs, and living it the way I want. At their heart, your parents have good intentions, and they will never understand you. So, stop expecting. Even fighting is done in the hopes that maybe if you scream loud enough or with enough passion, perhaps they will understand. They won't! So, you got brains, use them. Next, well, yeah, you do know in your heart that your parents do care about you? Well, they do. And this whole abuse thing is as much target as your 'unruliness' as at their own frustration of not knowing how to deal with you. You must understand that for them you are like an alien... they just don't and will never get you. But, if you do manage to be independent and live your own life, they will learn to respect you. That should be your target. SO, I reassert... listen to thenotsogreat! That is some wonderful advice right there. And don't spend any time brooding over your parents and your lot in life... utter waste of time and energy. Besides our life is what we make it! In your case, it is what you make it! Best of LuckLove : )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): Have you considered applying to universities in another country? If you're educated in the West, your parents may actually be willing to let you leave home. This will give you time to REALLY figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life.
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A
female
reader, marieclaire  +, writes (7 November 2009):
 move away from them, they'll always want to control your life and you can't let them. go do your degree far from home and just don't go back after you finish. i don't mean cut all contact with them (although considering you say they're abusive maybe you might want to) i just mean that you can't let them tell you what to do with your life and you'll never change their minds.
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A
male
reader, thenotsogreat + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
Oh dear... Your parents are just doing what they think is best for you. Sadly its probably the worst thing that can happen. Cant you just refuse the men they introduce to you?Im going to teach you a very important lession about how to live. You have a brain so use it. You can get what you want by being a bit clever.Ok first thing you do is stop arguing wioth your parents. This way they think they have won. And this ay you can concerntrate on your studies. Just play along with them and everyone will be happy. let no one kow what your real plans are.Find a part time job. Dont tell your parents, just say your studying. When your old enough then find a place of your own and move away. Then they will have to accept who you are.They may throw a hissy fit, but in time they will see you are right. If you stay as you are you will be a wife and mother far too young looking out the window wondering what might have been. Do you think that will make a good wife or mother? Definately not
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A
female
reader, Anonymous_NF  + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
 It will be hard, very hard but you should fight for that what you want or you might regret that for the rest of your life. Talk to them, you must, tell them how you feel, fight for your dreams!
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A
female
reader, Miss Karma Louise  +, writes (7 November 2009):
well i belive everybody has the right for freedom.
every human deserves to do what they want to do.
you sound like a very intelligent girl.
i have no idea what the law is with you religion but if i was you i would just keep doing well in shcool and try chatting again to them when they see you more in a mature perspective.
you dont have to listen to them,look into your rights with the link above xx
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A
male
reader, Coolguy +, writes (7 November 2009):
Hi,I understand a little bit how you feel as my parents wanted me to study a particular lucrative profession which i did not like. You are still young. I think you are thinking too much about the future. You should focus on starting or finishing your bachelors degree and then maybe a masters and then phD. A masters degree is all what most employers look for if you are looking for work. A phD enables you to lecture although you may stand a greater chance of getting a job with a phD.For now, try and concentrate on your studies.You may even meet someone you like in school who is ready for you to wait till you finish your academic dream. You can then tell your parents that you are engaged to this person who is ready for you to wait. I think they may be afraid that you get all these degrees and be too educated or classy for anyone to want to marry. It may be difficult but try not to cross your bridges until you get there. When the time reaches, things will fall into place. Take care and all the best.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
I am sorry ... I have no experience or knowledge with this. Best wishes to you ... I do believe all should have the freedom to live their own lives as they wish, as long as they don't infringe on others.
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A
female
reader, countrygal462 +, writes (7 November 2009):
 i think that if ur parents wont budge on what they say, than you should take matters to your own hands. when you're 18, or when you finish your degree you should leave. i know you love your parents, but they dont understand that you need to live your life the way it will make YOU happy. NOT theirs. they cant do anythingwhen u are over 18 because you are an adult. you are very right for wanting to live your life the way you want. i say go for it. get married right of school isnt for some people. i hope all goes well. :) good luck
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (7 November 2009):
 Here is a link for some legal information in India. Hopefully you'll find somethign useful there.http://www.legalserviceindia.com/helpline/helpline_HOME.htm
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