A
female
age
36-40,
*nfiniteJest
writes:Hello everyone, I would very much appreciate any new toughts and/ or "case studies" on this because my own thoughts just seem to have hit a dead-end and are about to drive me crazy circling useless like that.So I have been single for most of my life, Apart from a few not very serious flings. I have always been shutting people out and pushing them away. I have always struggled really hard to let anyone get close even when I desperatly wanted them to be. At the same time though just the thought of it fills me with sheer panic and makes me want to run as far as I possibly can.There is someone in my life now I really want to let in but I just don't know how. I keep thinking about how I could come up with an excuse, any would do, and run. I keep thinking about what I could tell him that would plausibly explain why I need to get away from him.I honestly just don't know. I know I'd regret it if I pushed him away, as I have done on various occasions in the past, but it is just too much. I really have no idea how to tackle this and would be really grateful for any advice you can share. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): You're at an age in your life where dreams and fantasies transition into realistic, doable goals so it's no wonder you're really starting to take the time to figure out why a relationship just doesn't come natural to you.(research developmental stages for adulthood) It would be nice for you to tell us what you feel or think when you begin pushing them away (ABCDE model in cognitive behavioral therapy) Is it the transition that bothers you?You're going from young adulthood into middle adulthood, so even if you were to have had a few relationships awhile back, rest assured things change between the two life fazes. Just a wild guess, at your age you've held a job or two, paid a few bills, maybe even had some kids or experience with them. You'll date guys in or around their thirties perhaps who also will have done these things. Relationships aren't all butterflies and lust etc. It's about forming an intimate friendship with someone you can grow with. Any guy with a decent head on his shoulders knows the worth a lady who pays even a third of the bills, who's good with kids, keeps the house clean and happy. Especially if he's been single at some point When a guy invests in you, you invest back. I don't just mean money and chores. I mean investing in any manner, a sex life that meets both needs, open communication, respect, all of that. You need to grasp what it is you're looking for, picture it, then build it. Of course you wouldn't do these things during the talking faze.. but you'll never get past the talking faze if you don't start seeing how a healthy relationship could compliment, even change your life as well as what you personally can do to make the relationship it's healthiest on your part. You're throwing probably really nice guys away AGAINST your own will. You're probably VERY used to being on your own as well. I can say that once you invest in someone or something it's much harder to let go of. So it could really hurt these guys to get pushed away once they've earned some feelings from you. You'll know when you're ready for a relationship because you won't spend the whole honeymoon stage of it freaking out and stressed; you'll spend it making it known you appreciate the man's investments as well as taking pride in how you treat his feelings and the relationship in general. You can't be doing this part right if you're feeling so overwhelmed today. You're dooming it to fail just by having that mind frame alone. If you wake up and say "today is going to suck" then you chose to make it suck before you even start it. Same goes for relationships. If you say "I can't do this, this is stressful, I have no need for this, etc" you're making the decision to not invest in the guy nor appreciate his efforts to invest in you. Focus on building a friendship with your partner. Memories are a shared investment for healthy relationships. Take a mid night stroll or go out on a date night regularly. Relationships don't have to be hard. You just have to like the guy and he has to have decent values is all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): The only social disorder I can think of would be in regards to adult attachment styles, where you would probably fall under avoidant type. You avoid relationships with the hope someone will love you enough to stay regardless of you pushing them away.Is life better without the hassle of a relationship? Sometimes it is, but marriage is a common goal and special too.I was like that before too. I tried relationships but they were always bad and eventually I just wanted to be alone and pushed everyone away. I became independent, which really is a good thing. Now I have this attitude " my life was good before you and can be just as good without you if you don't treat me right". Some may say it's shallow, but the opposite extremity from avoidant is needy and someone who can't survive single so don't be that girl. It's all about taking things slow. When you move too fast your emotions can start to go wack and override your logic causing you to trash the relationship. Have your own life, learn to be happy on your own, and don't move in with a guy or promise him forever etc too soon. Just enjoy a guys company, a little at a time with no expectations. Feeling stressed or overwhelmed? Don't take it out on him go for a walk in nature and clear your mind, assuring yourself that life is good and love is important. You're number one priority is you and your emotional stability. It's on you, not him, to assure that you can always provide that to yourself. Return to him stress free and ready to enjoy his company again. You can deal with such triggers without damaging the relationship. Not every guy is long term material so it's common to have break ups even when you're trying your hardest. But like I said, life should be great with or without them. It can't be great however, if you give up on it or doubt it too much though because you'll overwork the guy who's just trying to enjoy your relationship. Why are you wanting to push him away? Red flags? Just not into him? Afraid you'll get hurt? What's your heart telling you whenever you get close to someone? Is it just simply uncomfortable to do so? Emotions are the physical feeling of chemicals being released in the body in response to events. These biological responses are learned throughout childhood etc. Luckily our bodies can adapt to new circumstances and you can see that there are a lot of worthy relationships going on around you beyond the ones you've personally have had. So ignore those sensations and see the new light around you as you begin looking at the happy couples around you who aren't ever breaking up or having issues too big to handle Sometimes the issue isn't just emotional instability when feelings kick off, sometimes it's due to a bunch of failed relationships like mine was and that's often due to the selection of partners or the relationships around you as a child. Educate yourself on what a healthy long term relationship looks like and be the woman who is ready for that before you go searching for it. It's not about how charming or magnetic a guy is. It's about finding someone who wants to build and grow with you and who understands the causal ups and downs expected in a relationship. Not everyone is going to hurt you. But a guy who is long term material has to have the package for long term stages of life. Do they have goals? Take care of themselves? Family oriented? Understanding that same day we all age and our pretty bodies fall apart? A guy who will take care of your heart and is long term material is also going to expect a lady who notices his efforts and keeps the relationship healthy as well. A guy like that deserves it. A guy who cares about you will allow you talk through these things, but a guy like that deserves a chance to help you through it, rather then get his heart broke and told there's nothing he can do to keep you etc. It's worth it to find a good guy so that you can break the cycle without becoming more avoidant later on Don't be afraid to take some time to yourself to process what kind of guy it would take to please you, what you do and do not want, and what kind of partner you want to be. The more you start relationships you're not ready for the more you're hurting your perception on them when they fail. Take some time to build up what you bring to the table. A long lasting relationship requires patience, just like a career or raising kids does.I'm assuming a long term relationship is what you want since you're asking for help with the behavior pattern. If you simply just prefer being single, well make it known early on so that these guys don't get hurt unfairly. Good luck dear
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): "You can't expect things from people that you can't do yourself. If you can't trust, you can't be trusted."So.... if you can't love you can't be loved?If you can't hate, you can't be hated?It's like saying that because an old person has dementia and they can't go to the toilet properly, then no one can help them. People do not bring a lack of trust into the world, other people make it hard to trust.There are some people who find it hard to Love or trust due to life experiences, this poor lady being one of them (you'll be fine nice lady ??)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): Did you have a good childhood, with a stable home environment? It might first help if you could figure out what may of caused this fear. I think this is fairly common, you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and the only way you know to do this is never let anyone get close enough to hurt you. You probably should consider talking to a professional who could help you overcome these fears. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): Over-thinking and looking for guarantees usually will paralyze you, and cause high-anxiety. People aren't expecting you to be perfect; and you can't read their minds about how they see you, or what they are thinking.
Apparently you don't interact with people enough; so you'll feel awkward. You need to push yourself and not get all upset if you falter or stutter. Everyone is nervous around new people, with some exceptions. Very outgoing people have a natural knack for connecting with strangers. Shyer-folk are reserved; but learn that if they don't want to be lonely, they'll have to challenge themselves.
You can't expect things from people that you can't do yourself. If you can't trust, you can't be trusted.
Before attempting relationships, deal with that.
You're an adult, and it's time to grow-up. Trying to anticipate the outcome of events; and figure-out how things will turn-out before they're started, is crippling you. You've let your childish side rule your behavior; and won't let her mature enough to allow romance into your life. She wants you stay a shy kid. If you want an adult-relationship; then let the adult in you takeover. Come what may!
Well, human-nature is like this. If you keep doing something wrong, you won't like getting the same unfavorable results. Common-sense and necessity will eventually force you to stop pushing people away, if you want them to stick around. No one can talk you into it, but yourself.
You now have someone to practice on, and create a new behavior-pattern. Relax and chill. Let him lead the way.
When you feel yourself getting anxious, take hold and steady yourself. Just like you do when you hold back from connecting with people. Do it in reverse.
Instead of backing away from him, ignore that impulse to pull-away and stay put. If he's making the effort to make a romantic-connection with you, experiment and see how long you can just let it happen.
Take one small step at a time. You will not change what has happened throughout your life overnight.
You should seek professional-counseling to see if there is some sort of social disorder that prevents you from connecting with people. Even under therapy, you'll still have to push yourself to reboot your behavior. No one can do it for you.
Somehow I suspect you are already in therapy, just a guess.
The only other option is to be alone, that should be enough motivation.
...............................
|
