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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have two best friends, "Sara" and "Emily."Sara has a boyfriend, Emily is single. We’ve all known one another since high school. Sara and Emily have always been fiercely competitive with one another. In college, they would brag and try to out do one another when it came to guys. If Sara was dating someone, Emily would talk about a guy that she was seeing. Sara has always had a boyfriend and told Emily how happy she is to have one because she isn’t lonely. Emily said she likes being single, but she called me crying before about the conversation and told me how Sara was “bragging and making her feel bad for being single.” They’re always trying to out do one another. I thought this drama would have ended, but it’s still going on even though we’re in our mid 20’s! I know this is between them, but Emily will call me upset and tell me what happened. I don’t know what to do anymore- how should I handle this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Oh dear! Your friends are behaving in an incredibly childish way - it's almost like they're trapped in some kind of high school mentality, unable to accept new, broader and more supportive roles in their friendship as they are getting older. This must be hugely difficult for you, to be stuck in the middle of their immature one-upmanship, always having to smooth things over!
On the upside, both of your friends clearly rely on you to be sympathetic, understanding, and kind to them. Emily is even treating you as the moral arbiter of the situation. This gives you considerable leverage and authority! Have you thought about using it to get them to think twice about the way they are behaving?
One plan would be to meet with each of them separately. Explain that you're increasingly uncomfortable being stuck in the middle of this odd, competitive dynamic between them. (At this point, both of them will probably get defensive and blame the other!) You can agree that there are faults on both sides, but try to get each to feel some compassion for the other. Tell Sara that Emily is very sensitive to ideas about relationships and loneliness, and ask her to avoid those subjects with her as a matter of basic human kindness. Tell Emily that you think it's crazy that Sara's personal dealings bother her so much - that she and Sara are very different people, and that comparing is like weighing apples and oranges. Point out that Sara's life isn't a bed of roses, and that she needs good friends around her. Make it clear to both - as kindly as you can - that the one-upmanship looks increasingly odd and a bit childish as they get older, and that they BOTH risk looking bad.
You also need to draw a line to protect yourself - because you, too, have rights to be treated as a human being, and not merely as the arbiter of their disputes! If they continue their behaviour, despite your having given them a warning, make it clear that you won't listen to either of them bitch or moan about the other. Draw a line in the sand and politely but firmly refuse to discuss or in any way involve yourself with their feud. Move to close down that subject of conversation as soon as it arises, and move on to more neutral topics of conversation. I suspect that if you provide some moral leadership on the issue, they will both fall into line as they clearly respect your opinion and views.
Good luck!
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