A
female
age
51-59,
*oopy
writes:My boyfriend of six months has two children, both boys aged 12 and 10. The younger one is rude and obnoxious, often saying rude things to me.My boyfriend doesn't like it when I say something to the child about his rude behavior, and yet he doesn't insist that the child behaves. He says "he is only a child", i say the boy needs to be made to treat people with respect, with consequences for not practicing basic social ettiquette.His behavior has caused him trouble in school too. My boyfriend wants our relationship to continue getting serious, however i have strong reservations about continuing at all because of this situation. Not being able to say anything to the child when he is rude to me causes a lump of oppression in my throat, and I can't stand it. What should we do? My own two children are grown, btw, and quite polite. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, poopy +, writes (22 July 2007):
poopy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy BF has his kids every other week, for a week at a time. He favors this boy, because he reminds him of himself at that age.The boy is an attention-monger. He is that way with everyone, not just me. He is also quite bright, and can be manipulative. I care about the boy, and want him to grow up to be a decent adult. He has a lot of potential, but his mouth needs to be kept under control.I have personal boundaries about people being rude to me in general. I feel the right and the duty to stand up for myself. This not only lets the little offender know of my personal boundaries, but also sets an example for the child and lets him know he doesnt have to let people verbally abuse him.The problem is that my BF is very protective of his boys and has a problem with someone else correcting them. I think he takes it personally...as if I were somehow saying he isn't a good parent. I don't correct them when he is there if it doesnt pertain directly to me. However, if the boy says something hurtful or rude to me, and my BF doesn't say anything, I feel I have a right to say something. In fact, I would want to do more than say something, --I would want to give him consequences for it, such as give him some chore to do for me to make up for the hurt he caused me with his comments. I think a consistant dose of consequences would go a long way towards correcting the rudeness problem. I am going to talk with him about letting me handle situations with the boy (that directly affect me) in my own way. I think I will tell him he needs to just trust me. I will tell him how I would handle it--by telling the boy that what he just said was offensive or hurtful to me, and give him a chance to apologize. If he doesnt, (which he wont) I will explain that generally when you offend someone and you realize it, saying "I'm sorry" can help make it better if it's sincere.
A
female
reader, Nevalearn  +, writes (21 July 2007):
Do the children live with him, or does he just have them every other weekend? You have to think long term and if you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this guy you have to remember that one day the kids will be off your hands. Do you think its an attention thing, that you are taking time away from them with their father? Whatever the reason, its not really about the kid its about the way your partner treats you, I know we can be a bit blind when it comes to our children so be patient. You need to sort it now though before it becomes so bad you just break up. Don't give him an ultimatum but be pretty firm when you tell him his childs behaviour is unacceptable. Think of the future and good luck.
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A
female
reader, bailys  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 This is a difficult one poppy ! As parents we tend to take critisism of our childrens behavour very personaly. Can you explain to your partner how much this is effecting your feelings about getting serious with the relationship, maybe he is not aware how upsetting this is for you. You just want to be treated with the same respect from his children as he expects you to treat them. They may be 'only children' but if they see that there father thinks their behavior is o.k. than they will continue to treat you in this way. There is no excuse for bad manners no matter what age you are.
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