A
female
age
41-50,
*hellWigg
writes:I'm about give up. My husband of 11 years( been together 18) with 3 kids,9,7 and 5 left me 3 months ago. He said that he hadn't been happy for 5 years and doesn't love me anymore. He is living in a house of a friend rent free. He has said that he doesn't know what he wants and needs time and space to make a decision. With lots of discussion but none of my questions answered he continuely puts off telling me if it's over. He agreed temporarily to go to marriage counselling. We went twice with him saying he wanted to sort it out until he quit and decided he wasn't ready. I have hassled him to make a decision cause it's not fair to keep me and the kids hanging. He just says I need more time and space cause I haven't given it to him yet.I have decided to completely back off and give him the real time and space that he is asking for. He has agreed to give me a answer on my birthday 16th sept. Since I have backed off things have been heaps better. He says that we haven't argued for weeks and that he hasn't had a negative thought about me in that time. He says that this is the only way to move forward for him and that we have to do this before the next step. I want to believe him but do not trust after breaking my heart so many times. I can't help feeling that he is just stalling while he's off partying with his mates. We have been having sex every couple of weeks since he left and he has even stopped this cause he says he's not comfortable with all that anymore. He is constantly around now spending time with me and the kids and acting like a happy family. My question is should I stick it out tillthe 16th or do I end it now so I don't get hurt all over again? My question is d Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ShellWigg +, writes (31 August 2010):
ShellWigg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who replied. I have no updates on our situation. At this stage I'm still waiting for his decision. I have not initiated discussion with him about our issues. Giving him time and space. Although I have asked him to give me one good reason to stick it out. He said he would think about that and get back to me. No answer yet.
I am still very much in 2 minds bout what to do. One one hand I desperately want to try to save our marriage and would do whatever it takes but the longer time goes on and the less he gives to me it is getting harder. I feel that I'm losing more integrity and self worth every second that this goes on. Am I on the right track and is it worth all this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): although this is a very hard thing to say ShellWigg, i think you are throwing good money after bad. meaning your hb has no good intentions of reconciling, of working things out. yes he may dictate and may call the shots and may say that he doesnt want to argue and work at a relationship but honey, is all his excuses just that.
yes marriage is hard hard work, you need to leave no stone unturned in your attempt to make your marriage work but when it boils down to this emptiness from his side,then what do you have.
he moved out and he is dictating the terms of the marriage. while seperated is he seeing anyone else? he is having an affair on the sly? no sex for how long. what is he doing to satisfy himself, is he only jacking off???why is he only blaming you for the breakdown of the marriage. so you two have 2 different conflict resolutions styles, sowhat. one wants to run away from the issues and the other wants to address it smack on. most of the times couples do this. one avoids and the other addresses. no big deal. are you now going to change YOU to accomodate HIM.
just some food for thought. i know you are scared. you are so panicked and you want your marriage back on track. but here comes a time when you need some self respect. this man is stripping you of all your pride, your dignity and one day you may have to ask yourself why did you allow him this priviledge.
you owe it to love yourself and you owe it to yourself to be respected and loved and cherished and valued. this man who is your hb in name only has not displayed an ounce of the above.
-LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 As you read this, please carefully note that his preception of your feelings may not match your actual feelings. I'll try to be clear which is which.
Your husband is probably extremely wary of telling you exactly what's bothering him because he feels that, rather than understanding, you will lash out and attack him for it. That's why he's kept it bottled up for 5 years. Considering that not arguing for weeks is an accomplishment, he's probably somewhat justified.
The good news is that, by giving him time, you've shown him that you really do care about his feelings. By giving him a time limit, you've demanded the sort of respect he owes you; that's good too.
So, let him know that he can express his feelings without fear of consequence - his actions are what matter. Given that he has been hiding his feeligns for 5 years, letting this particular action go unpunished is probably a good bet. Sit down with him (no marriage counselor, those people are pure evil) and just let him vent. Don't hold any of it against him, just let him work through things.
He hasn't been happy in 5 years, and your youngest is 5 years old. He may not have really wanted a third child, even if he pretended to - although he probably really loves the kid now, it's easy to be apprehensive before they are born. Perhaps he does not feel he has gotten the love, attention, and sex that he needs. Many men feel that the more kids they have, the harder they have to work for less love from their wives.
If that's how he feels, note that even though he may want more love and affection, he almost certainly still cares about you and your children. The idea is not to compare who needs it more, but to figure out how to meet all needs.
For what it's worth, I don't think he's been cheating. It just sounds as though he thinks his feelings will be held against him, regardless of his actions, and he couldn't take it anymore. The is the male equivalent of saying "I'm bored and unfulfilled" - it's a last warning before he actually does something. You can patch this up, but the hardest part will be convincing him that working ont he relationship is actually going to help, *and * benefit him.
Until he feels that his efforts will work, you will have to do most of the hard work. So, convince him (sincerely) that it's worth working on.
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A
female
reader, ShellWigg +, writes (30 August 2010):
ShellWigg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really do want to reconcile. I would do whatever is needed. My husband won't tell me what the big issues are but I know he wants to be in a relationship with no arguments ever. We have very different conflict resolution styles. He has always run from every discussion that he didn't like and I would chase him to get resolution. I know that I'm wrong in dealing with him that way so I don't chase anymore. He also says he doesn't want to be in relationship that he has to work at. I think he is slowly starting to see that this is totally unrealistic and we are communicating better. But he gives me no solid reason to stick it out. I can do all the hard work to rebuild our marriage but I'm scared of rejection and the effect on our kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): When you love someone as much as you do enough to marry someone then you should know by now that he's worth the risk of heartache. He's treated you cruelly but sometimes we can be needy and pushy with guys and expect too much from them and once we give them space and let them have what they want in their own time it makes things much easier, even if we do have to be patient. Don't you agree since he's not argued with you since you gave him space? Just keep that up until you get your answer. Or you could end it now and wonder forever what he would've said. + you have kids together, think of your family too.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 August 2010):
 It depends. Are you ready to tall it quits? Is that what you want or do you want to see if there is potential to reconcile? Marriage is not easy, and it sounds like if you do stay together, more counseling is needed. Why he's not happy is also important. Did the boundaries of your marriage change around that time? Did you fall into a rut of just having a routine marriage, where everyday is the same ole from the last? So, there are factors you need to consider in making your decision.
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A
female
reader, kathmp  +, writes (30 August 2010):
Hi
not easy and I feel for you. making you wait for an answer is a bit cruel really, you must be on tender hooks and living on auto pilot. My response is You should be deciding what you want; do you want someone to stay in your life who says they have not loved you for 5 years and is still keeping you waiting whilst he decides if he loves you or not. He also decided not to have sexual relationship with you, probably not what you hoped. it seems he is keeping that bit of hope but as you put it is living the single life. not sying he is seeing other people but you are his safety net. there are many questions to this, will he come back and leave again in a few years. the decision of his to wait until your birthday seems a bit controlling. I think it is very important you decide what you wantand what will make you happy and give him some sort of deadline.whatever your decision, and it may not be the same as his or what he expects;right or wrong you will have a massive weight lifted from you, and you will be ok. take care look after your family, and be strong.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I found hope when you said that right know, everything has been better, no fights and no negative thoughts about you.
What concerns me and confused me is the fact that he stopped having sex with you. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship and yet, you said that he spends more time with you and the kids like one big happy family again right? I'm sorry to say that this isn't always what it appears.
Sometimes a man can be happy with his family whilst spending time with them but, that doesn't necessarily mean that he loves his family.
I don't mean to take hope away from you, I just want you to be aware of all possibilities.
After eleven years of marriage, I think it is worth it to wait until your birthday for his answer. I have hope because from the way you described it, you're all happy and he seems happy so he might not want to let that go. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, roslyn +, writes (30 August 2010):
I think that your husband is using you and that he probably is seeing another woman or women.
He is stalling for time as you are allowing him to have the best of both worlds. His complete lack of respect by keeping you stringing along will have a devastating impact on you and more importantly your children.
He is a weak man because he is being dishonest.
Please end it with him, tell him he still has to take a part in the parenting of your children. You can do better for your self why are you allowing him to make you second best?
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