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male
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*Eman
writes: I have been in an almost 7 year relationship. We have been through a lot this last year from September 2005 to now having moved twice. We met in NYC where neither of us had any real friends since we were both new to that city. Then we moved to a small town in the south and stayed there for less than two years and again, we had almost no friends. We are now back living in the mid Atlantic area in a very large city, the one I grew up in. I have lost touch with former friends but have family close by. A few weeks ago, I sensed my partner pulling away from me, literally, as I snuggled up to him in bed. What came next was an outpouring of issues: how I had not had sex with him in a year (we were living with my sister for almost 7 months of that time), that I put him last on my list, that he then had to find things that brought him some happiness (which in his case is running and training for a marathon). I listened and when the next day I came on to him, he snapped right away and said that in past (two times he brought this subject up), things got better for a while and then fell back so he is not ready to open himself up for that to happen again. He told me is overall happy with me except in this area and then he went on to tell me that sex has never been great with me, even in the beginning! I was devasted. He is also turning 40 soon and is very focused on himself, the gym, running, etc. He has always been in great shape but now even more so. I also work out, etc, but nowhere near as much as he does. I feel very lonely, alone. We do have our usual connection of conversation, etc but I am at a loss as to what to do?? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, davie  +, writes (7 September 2006):
You say that in the past you did try and make changes however I am not sure how many changes or how hard you tried if an entire year passed with no sex.
He is obviously worried about the emotional and physical let down of what has happened in the past happening again.
As long as you are confident it is true keep telling him that you hear him loud and clear and that it won't happen again. You may just have to be patient. You also probably need to be apologetic.
That said he can't expect anything to change if he continues to shut you out. In effect he is now preventing you from making things better!
A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (7 September 2006):
I think he loves you it's obvious, but I think Davie is right in what he said, he's felt unworthy and rejected for a whole year but has still loved you through it, I think he is very hurt and wounded, now you're complaining that he's turned you down - imagine that for a year! He's probably thinking 'why should I??!!' He's obviously very angry about it all now he's gone through all the hurt. I don't mean to make you feel horrid, but I think he's got some deep cuts emotionally now, imagine how he feels as a person. I think you have some grovelling to do!
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male
reader, NEman +, writes (7 September 2006):
NEman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think his point was somewhat valid about how he has brought this point up in the past. I did try and make changes not obviously enough to please him. Now, however, he has shut me out completely when it comes to sex and even just cuddling. In the morning, he gets up without saying good morning or anything else. He seems fine the rest of the day and night, for the most part.
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A
male
reader, davie +, writes (7 September 2006):
The way he told you seems a bit unkind, however it sounds like his points were very valid ones.
I think if my boyfriend didn't have sex with me for a year I would start feeling a bit annoyed as well. You might not have felt like sex much however he might have been really keen - which just makes for frustration and discontentment for him.
You seem to be making excuses, and not very good ones! Living with your sister for seven months doesn't seem like a very good justification for no sex as you could be quiet or could have gone away for a weekend - and what about the other five months in that year?
Don't judge him too harshly. He has told you he is happy with you overall so obviously doesn't want to cause problems or break up. He is just letting you know he isn't very happy with the amount (or absolute lack thereof) of sex in your relationship.
Try and imagine you in each others shoes. How would you feel if you really wanted sex but he just wasn't interested - and it went on like that for an entire year.
When you came onto him and he snapped - did he have a point or was he being unreasonable? Will things stay improved or after time will you just either forget or become uninterested again?
All the best.
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female
reader, joeymac +, writes (6 September 2006):
Hey, maybe your partner resents you for some things in the past and he is just saying nasty things that he doesn't mean. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year now and i know that he loves me more than anything on earth, but because of mistakes iv made and things that have hurt him in the past before we got together (we knew each other but i chose to stay with someone else instead) he's said some really nasty things to me. he's told me that he'd rather be with his ex still, that i'm a fat f**ker, lied about sleeping with lots of people just to hurt me, loads of things. afterwards he says he doesn't mean any of it but he just remembers things that iv done that have hurt him so he lashes out. i duno, maybe this is the same thing with your boyfriend? if it is why not try something special like book a surprise holiday together to spend some special time together and try to mend things? sorry if its no help, good luck xx
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