A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years now. It has always been complicated with us because it started with the guy being really interested in me. He was so into me that he was ready to do anything and everything for me. 2 months into the relationship, I decided to end it because of different family background. Though we said we would not be together, we always ended up meeting up. After a few months we did not talk to one another for a month and decided that we cannot get over each other. We got back together again about 6 months ago. (Though we never really broke up completely). Once we got together, I tried to compromise and make changes as I was the stubborn one before. he had changed a lot though. Though he loved me, he was not like he was before. He wanted to spend more time with his friends and wanted me to spend time with them too. We hardly had any alone time, but I thought he would change. 6 months down the road, he is still the same and hardly takes any initiative to see me more than once-twice a week for 1-2 hours. This made us fight ALL the time. 2 days ago, he told me that he could not take the fight anymore and that he really wanted to be with his friends and would like me to join them too. He decided that it was hurting me and he told me that he knew he was not being a good boyfriend. He sugested that we become friends as he did not want to lose me and he still loved me. He thought that we were fighting too much and whenever he is with me, he thinks about what his friends might be doing and vice versa, hence it would not work out. I started crying at this and begged him to not leave me, and he agreed. He said that he would give it another try and see if it works.The problem is.. now I feel so needy and desperate and that he is with me because he pities me. When I told him this he denied it and told me tht he really does want to be with me. I dont know what to do now... i am hurt because he planned to leave me and my ego is hurt because I begged him. I cant leave him but I dont think I can stay with him as I am humiliated. What do you think is in his mind and what do you think I should so??(Sorry about the long post!!)
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female
reader, stuckinthemiddle81 +, writes (14 July 2008):
 It sounds like your on and off boyfriend really is "on and off". I can imagine how you feel, one minute he wants to be with you and the next he wants to hang out with his buddies. The good thing about him wanting to hang out with his friends is he seems comfortable with you around and his friends accept you. The bad thing is, like you said, no privacy and when you do get privacy, he talks about his friends.
It seems like you need to give him an ultimate ultimatum: "See me at least four times a week or its over." If he loves you like he said he did, he would certainly make way more time for you. It seems messed up that he spends the majority of his free time with his peeps and drags you along whenever he hangs out with him. Perhaps he feels that if he takes you with him to hang with the friends that it will satiate your "personal time" with him? Does he interact with you when you are all hanging out or does he completely blow you off to the side as he mingles with his own? Think about it.
The choice is in your hands, my dear. Either stay the way you are now wondering when he's going to grow up and give you the time of day and week or tell him to hit the road because you've got bigger fish to fry and you are worth it.
PS- You're not needy. You just can do better.
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